Behind the Lies: Fear, Recovery and Hope

Where do we go from here?

2010-10-15T11:09:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday night, I was angry with D for no particular reason. Even now, I can't pinpoint exactly what was going on in my head, but I came home in a bad mood from a difficult day at work and felt unattractive and upset and just generally icky. D and I argued briefly about him not doing some housework we had agreed upon, resolved the issue, and I went to change my clothes. In the bedroom, my hand uncontrollably drifted to his cell phone, and before I knew it the texts were up.

And there was one to a female friend saying something about how that friend should come over to our house and relax and get a massage.

The good: For the first time possibly ever, I immediately confronted D about it. I didn't try to hide my feelings, didn't try to beat around the bush or get him to admit that he'd done something--just straight up told him that I found the text and that it was NOT. OK. I told him in plain English that this crossed the line, and that I wanted him to tell me anything and everything else that had occurred. He claims there was nothing--that he hadn't meant anything by it, that he simply had been chatting with a friend who was stressed and had no flirtatious intentions, simply wanted her to know that she should go get a massage (i.e., wasn't implying that she should get one from him). He also admitted that it looked bad, and that if I had a problem with it then it didn't matter what he meant. We discussed that perception is reality, and I asked him to please not speak to any females by text or get on the internet while I'm not at home until we re-evaluate the situation. I also informed him that I would be checking in more frequently in the next few days.

The bad: I'm not sure how to feel at this point. We had a good conversation that was completely different from how anything would have gone before. I was honest about my feelings without fear of reprisal or consequence in a way that was totally new. But still--it happened. And whether he had intent or not doesn't really matter...the fact that he would have said something like that without even thinking that it might come off badly is disturbing enough. Where do we go from here? Should I demand meetings or therapy or some other tool? Or should I live in a state of caution, checking in and keeping a watchful eye toward the phone?

Right now my goal is to take things one day at a time and push for more frequent conversations with the other options in reserve. Surprisingly, I'm not freaking out--I just feel unsure of what steps to take in the near future. But then, perhaps that's what "one day at a time" actually means.

Two

2010-09-22T12:17:00.000-07:00

Today marks two years of sobriety for D, two years of recovery for me, and two days since the start of my favorite season.

Happy fall, all.

Memories

2010-08-27T11:38:00.001-07:00

I've been feeling antsy lately. Feeling old behaviors creep up and surprise me at odd moments--wanting to check D's phone, worried about the fact that he can get on the computer when I'm not home now, rampant what-if type thoughts about facebook chat and the like. I'm trying to check my gut against reality and trust it, even though there seems to not be anything really wrong (although granted, how do you ever really know?). I was trying to figure out what, exactly, was triggering these thoughts when I realized that the last time I felt this way, this uncomfortable and strange, was at the end of February of this year. Late February 3 years ago was my initial discovery date. Suddenly, the connection clicked.

Today is the one-year anniversary of D's release from probation. One year ago today, we got to be Normal (whatever that is) again. But it's also been two years (or close enough) since what should have been his final day of probation--the point at which I realized that after almost a year and a half of therapy and meetings and dealing with serious legal problems, D was still lying to me (and everyone else) about his behavior. I think it was actually in early September that I really realized that he had still been so active with his acting out (especially with texting and online sex chatting) the entire time that we planned our wedding and got married, but it was late August when he first failed his polygraph test that sparked it all.

I am grateful for my husband's sobriety (almost two years now!). I am grateful to see him become the man I fell in love with all over again, and to watch the changes that have occurred over the past two years as we rebuilt our relationship from the ground up. But those memories, and the times surrounding them, of the worst days of this process are still raw and painful. Apparently to the point that just drawing near to the date without realizing it can trigger me. The human brain is a confusing thing.

I have a plan to talk to D and let him know what I've been feeling lately, and see if there's anything we need to change or do differently, but sometimes I worry that I'll be old and gray and still having flashbacks on the first week of school.

Letting Go (Again!)

2010-07-18T17:25:00.000-07:00

Wow--2 months since my last post? Really? I swear I haven't disappeared into the abyss. Just into the depths of more than a month of massive studying for a qualification exam (which I just discovered that I passed! Hooray!), then a month of vacations and travel and house projects and then back into the next round of school. Life has been busy, but good. Even D has begun a new project--he's taking a class that will be the first step (hopefully) toward having the pre-qualifications he needs to go on to graduate school in another few years. Which, of course, brings us to the topic of today's post.

The aforementioned class (which is a very Good Thing by all accounts) contains a good deal of online work. Most of the assignments are posted online, and D has to turn in a great deal of work by uploading it to the professor. Our original plan was for him to write out the assignments on his computer, save them to a drive, and then we could upload them to the website when I was around (backstory: currently the only computer in the house with internet capabilities is mine, which is password protected and can only be opened by me). Unfortunately, my new work schedule is incredibly strange and changes a lot, and D is often home working on homework when I'm gone. It became, simply put, too inefficient to continue if he was going to finish the class in less than a year.

And so, the other day, for the first time in 2 years, I told D my password and he got on the internet when I wasn't around and wasn't even home. It's been a huge and somewhat strange step, even if it only happened once and really only will happen seldom in the future. It's an odd mix of emotions for me--on the one hand, D is quickly approaching two years of sobriety and slowly but surely, we have worked to this point where I do trust him to let me know if anything is bothering him. On the other hand, there is still the tiniest of jolts to my stomach knowing that with this trust comes the possibility for him to easily slip back into old behaviors. We're taking things one day at a time, but for me, letting go of the "what ifs" is still hard.

Running

2010-05-14T11:41:00.000-07:00

So I'm currently studying for a rather massive certification exam and have essentially been holing up at local libraries/coffee shops/anywhere with a quiet table and plug for my laptop for the past 2 weeks, hardly emerging to check my e-mail, let alone blog. What I have emerged for, however, is my newly found hobby of running.

I've never been fond of running, but I have always been fond of exercise and there has just come a point where there's not much else that I have time for (in terms of getting a decent cardio work out in as little time as possible, anyway). So a couple of months ago I heard about a friend who was doing what is called the Couch to 5K plan (check it out at www.c25k.com), which was supposedly going to turn her from a complete non-runner to 5K ready in about two months. I took up the challenge too, and I'm currently in my 7th week.

So here's the thing I've learned about running--while I'm doing it, I absolutely despise it. I tend to get bored, and I just want to be done as soon as I've started. But I also feel 100% better afterward--even to the point that now I get a little restless when it's that time of the afternoon and I even (gasp!) want to go to the gym. The biggest change came the other day, when I did my first round of 25 straight minutes of running. After about 5 minutes, all I could think about was how much it sucked. How much I'd rather be sitting at home watching TV or really just doing anything else. But then suddenly it hit me. Somewhere in the back of my brain came a little voice telling me to just go with it. Instead of wishing it were better, to acknowledge that it did hurt and I was tired but that was all ok and to just let the run be what it was. All of a sudden, my body relaxed, I wasn't fighting myself anymore, and the entire workout became that much easier. Time went by a lot faster, and I felt strong and refreshed at the end. It was such a strong reminder that I tend to fight where I am rather than just letting myself be there and experience the present for what it is that I've been feeling all zen and uplifted ever since.

Now if only I could make it apply to studying...

Frustration

2010-04-20T14:32:00.000-07:00

The house is dirty...

Dog fur rolls across the floor like tumbleweeds

and the grass is too high

and the dishes need washed.

So many projects are running around in my head--

ideas of painting the kitchen and staining the deck and powerwashing the siding

and replacing the old and broken down and worn out

but then the car needs brakes

and the dog needs medicine

and I have to buy books for next year before the loan money arrives.

Do you ever just get frustrated?

So many things I'd like--a new tub that isn't chipped, a car that's not more than a decade old, shoes that will get me through my next year's internship (lots of standing for long hours and such). But it's not going to happen because little things come up, over and over again and suck away what little money was set aside.

So today I take time to at least make the house look good

and myself feel better

and mow the grass

even though I have a quiz tomorrow

but when will there ever be time otherwise?

And you say you will help but when my part is done you aren't ready

and the frustration grows because you do not run on my schedule.

And then we fight.

It will get done--it always does.

But sometimes it takes a while to unlearn old expectations

and remember that I do not have to get frustrated

because now you actually keep your promises.

Gratitude

2010-04-16T10:47:00.000-07:00

Each spring, my school has a big end-of-the-year dance/party/celebration for all of the graduate students. Each department tends to have their own small-ish affairs as well, but the larger event is always very much looked forward to by all. I don't tend to go out much with my peers (partly because I'm not much into the crazy college-kid-type bar scene, partly because my closer friends aren't into it either, and partially because I'm married and sometimes just want the chance to sit at home being lazy with my husband), but last year I really looked forward to the chance to let loose with friends and introduce D to everyone that had only heard me talk about him. The night of the party, D had been at work but got home in plenty of time--we ate and he watched some tv while I got all dressed up and ready. But when the time came that I was ready to leave, he was still there parked in front of the tv in sweats. Of course, when I asked him to get ready he only did so grudgingly, complaining that he only rarely got time to do what he wanted and relax and didn't feel like getting up to go somewhere until he was ready. We eventually made it to the party (later than I had planned) and ended up having a pretty good time, but we didn't stay long, and I was frustrated by the fact that it had been such a hassle.

This used to be the pattern, you see. Throughout D's addicty years and even early on in recovery, if there was something he just didn't want to do (for whatever reason), he either didn't do it or moved at the speed of molasses to get it done, complaining all the while about his precious lost "me time." Even things that he knew were incredibly important to me would end up getting tossed by the wayside simply because he didn't feel like getting up for another hour. All the prodding and poking and dragging and nagging and pleading I could do weren't enough--we were constantly late, and I was often let down.

Today is the annual end-of year celebration again. My friend Sue invited D and I to join her at her house for dinner beforehand, but unfortunately D will not get off work until right when the party is set to begin. Knowing this, I told Sue that I would be there, but might be going stag because I didn't know if D would want to come after work, if he would be able to leave in time, etc....really just covering up for the fact that I didn't want a repeat of last year. I pictured the same scenario--D getting off of work, going home, not wanting to put on different clothes and head back out again. I was prepared to simply go alone with friends and not worry about dealing with the same kind of attitude I had gotten last year.

A week ago, D commented that he would come straight from work to Sue's house for dinner, or possibly meet us at the party if we were finished or he ended up stuck at work later. Two days ago, he turned down his boss's request to have him work a later shift this evening because he had already committed to my school function. This morning, he asked me which tie he should take with to work to wear tonight. And the most amazing thing is that none of it was said grudgingly or with annoyance. I get the feeling D is actually excited to be able to go tonight.

Of course, there is always room for disappointment later, but it's these little changes in attitude that have truly marked the biggest differences in our lives over the past year--and for those, I am eternally and overwhelmingly grateful.

Edit: We had a fabulous time. :-)

My Kingdom for a Pillow

2010-04-08T11:46:00.001-07:00

Today is one of those days where I know what I need.

What I need, today, is some self-care. The good news is that I'm aware of it and not just letting myself get flurried into a dozen different activities and directions until I've completely lost myself. The bad news is, it's a very difficult day to practice any kind of self-care at all.

The biggest thing is, I'm really tired. D's car is in the shop (to the tune of many hundreds of dollars, oh joy), and in effort to save money, we chose not to rent a car but simply share mine for a few days until his is fixed. Really this isn't a bad thing, especially considering that this week in particular is a very light week at school and on the days where I need the car I am able to simply drop him off and pick him up. The problem is that last night D worked the closing shift, and though he called me to come get him at around midnight (not so far from my usual bedtime), when I arrived there had been some sort of crazy last minute issue and we ended up not getting home until almost 2:00 am. And then, of course, I had to be at class at 9 (well, really 8, but I chalked that one up to Not Dying). So anyway...tired. Usually my lack-of-sleep MO is to just take a little nap the next afternoon and go about my life, but unfortunately today I am stuck awake waiting on the plumber. Because of course we needed something else to spend our money on, the dishwasher decided to start backing up into the sink last night and spraying dirty, disgusting water all about the kitchen. It was a party. I also have a quiz tomorrow, so I originally thought that I would just force myself through the waiting-on-the-plumbers time period by getting that done so that then I could nap, but that's not feeling so productive either.

Sing it with me folks---You cain't...always get...what you waaaaaaa-aaant. Ah, well. My goal is, by the end of the day, to get what I need.

In My Mirror

2010-03-28T11:57:00.001-07:00

Last night, D's sister (we'll call her...Anna) called late. She's been having a lot of trouble in her life recently and I think she just wanted to chat...she's currently going through a divorce, having trouble with her job, unhappy with where she's living and just in general in a really negative place. I feel for her, because I know what it is like to grieve a relationship (although in my case, it was obviously not a divorce but the process of working through addiction), and to feel stuck in a position you don't want to be in. I've never been extremely close with Anna, so I don't often feel that I am in a position to offer her advice, but she said something last night that I found myself extremely touched by.

As D and Anna chatted (with me close enough to the phone to hear), Anna shared that she was frustrated by the fact that she will probably have to take on a second job in order to pay off the rather extensive debt that she and her ex have built up. She was even more concerned because the ex apparently just got a DUI a few days ago, and is looking at several thousand dollars in fines, fees, etc. that will land a more significant chunk of the credit card bill on Anna's shoulders in the coming months. Of course, D said (and I thought to myself) that she should let the blame rest squarely on her ex's shoulders--he got himself into trouble, and she should not have to pay extra bills because of his mistake. "You don't understand," Anna said. "The bills have to get paid one way or the other, and I want the debt gone. Besides, this wouldn't have happened if we were still together--I would have been able to stop him or drive him home."

In those words--in Anna's attempts to take on her ex's problems as her own, to shoulder more than her fair share of the burden, in her ardent belief that had she been there, she could have controlled him and his actions and the situation to a more positive end--I felt more kin to her than I ever have. Here in her own life, I saw a mirror to my own past codependent mess. No! I wanted to shout through the phone line (or somehow teleport myself through it to shake her into sense). Nothing you do can control what he does. His behavior is his, his bad choices are his, and the consequences of those choices do not have to make your life worse if you don't let them. I wanted to tell her how this used to be me--how I honestly believed that if I were present all the time, constantly watching the phone bill and computer and D's social life, none of the horrible addicty problems would have ever arisen. But of course, I couldn't do that. Because I can't fix her either--and she will have to come to realize all this in her own time.

In the meantime, my heart goes out to her. And I am grateful for the fact that I, at least, can now realize that someone else's drunken mistake is not of my own doing, and not something I can fix, or need to feel guilty about, or take on the consequences for if I don't choose to do so.

Slaving Away

2010-03-11T13:32:00.001-08:00

Do you ever get frustrated on behalf of someone else? I have a bad habit of that with D. Today's example: one of D's employees is basically a crappy worker. Shows up late, leaves early, often disappears throughout the workday, acts misogynistically toward other women that he works with, and (best of all) blames his poor performance on D and his coworker M because they "set a bad example" and "don't support him." When D and M try to correct his behavior, the employee complains to other bosses that D and M are too hard on him, don't like him, and then D and M get in trouble for being too harsh and not good managers D and M work evenings and weekends, and their other co-workers and bosses who are not there at the same time have no problems with this employee. Recently, the employee (let's call him "Bob") sexually harassed a customer of the company to the point that she made a complaint to D and M, who forwarded her information to their head of human resources. D and M were both relieved that there was finally some legitimate evidence about Bob's wrong-doings and hopeful that he would be reprimanded at least, if not fired.

Today D called me from work because he was incredibly frustrated that the head of HR had been unable to reach the woman who filed the complaint, and therefore nothing would be done about Bob's behavior. In fact, a previous write-up for other issues was also being removed because Bob had complained that the only reason this issue had been brought to HR was because D and M "had it out for him."

I hate this, because D basically works a really crappy middle-management job while I finish up school. We can't afford for both of us to be in graduate school at the same time, and D's true "dream career" requires a lot of extra education. And so he goes in every week to a job he hates in order to support me and my ability to pursue my career. And when things go badly at his job as a result, I feel bad and frustrated for him, sometimes to the point that I feel as though it's my fault he's in this situation--if I had not chosen to pursue graduate work, he might be able to quit his job for a while in order to either go back to school or at least find another/better position elsewhere.

I know (intellectually) that it's not my fault. I didn't cause it, can't control it. But I hate hate hate hearing every day about how awful it is, especially when there is nothing in my bottomless well of codependent helpfulness that I can bring up to say or do to help make things better.

God in 100 Words Or Less

2010-03-07T17:11:00.000-08:00

Do you know MPJ? If not, you should. Her blog is awesome--amazingly written, interesting topics, and one of the first and best sources of SA recovery-related material I found when I first got into this blogging experience. She recently wrote a post entitled "God in 100 words or less," in which (as you might imagine), she challenged others to explore their idea of a Higher Power. I've been thinking about this for a while, and as I'm right now in the midst of doing some shuffling about in my spiritual life, it seemed a good time to sort through some of my own ideas about God. And so....

God is Love. Truth. Beauty. All with Capital Letters.

My God connects us all because He is within us all--a divine spark in our deepest soul.

My God has no religion but reveals herself in all of them, sending messengers like Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed to show us his compassion.

He is my guide and strength. A very real presence in a sometimes unreal world.

God reveals Godself daily in kindness, laughter, music, sunsets.

My God cannot condemn because she cannot help but love us.

My God cannot be defined, but compels us to search for words anyway.

Out of the Dumps

2010-03-03T19:10:00.000-08:00

It felt good to get that last post out, but since then I feel like I've been spending way too much time focusing on D and his life and his recovery and his actions and behavior. I've just been having one of those weeks when I want to ask every day, multiple times a day, if everything is going ok with him and if he is sober. I know it's not healthy, and I'm trying to kick the habit once again and get the focus back to me, but it's been more difficult this time for some reason. We did end up talking a bit more about the moving situation, and it was a calmer discussion but when it comes to this kind of thing, we often seem to come to the same conclusions over and over again. It's not that the conclusions aren't satisfying--they're just difficult to pin down.

Basically what always happens is D does everything in his power to reassure me that he is fine, nothing is wrong, he is not acting out or thinking of acting out, and then he gets hurt that I am once again suspicious when nothing is wrong and that he cannot go a (insert here: day, week, however long it's been since our last discussion) without me bringing up the past or assuming something is wrong with him. He doesn't like to think about it because he's trying to just be a good, normal, non-sex addicty person. My problem is that while he tries his damnedest to avoid thinking about it, I often cannot escape thinking about it. It follows me. I mean, things are wonderful in our life right now--D has been sober almost 18 months, school is going very well, we are planning a lovely and well-deserved vacation, etc. etc. etc. There's really no reasons for me to be worried or suspicious, but every now and then I'll just be driving down the road on my way to somewhere innocuous like the grocery and all of a sudden I just have a random flashback to a really bad point in our history. Those kinds of things have been happening more recently lately, and I think it's contributing to my not-so-fabulous state of being, even in the face of the outer fabulous that life seems to be at the moment.

Maybe it's the weather--I've long said that I feel I really do suffer from seasonal affective disorder, especially in this time of year when spring seems so close and yet so damn far away. I want to start wearing skirts and tank tops again, and find myself wishing I could will it to be warm just so I wouldn't have to bundle up so much on my way to class and work. Either way, though, I'm sick of being here, and while I know that sometimes you just have to accept where you are for the moment and know that "this too shall pass," I also know that sometimes I can't get better if I don't do something about it. And so I'm setting a goal this week to start doing a few little things to help me concentrate more on me and what I can do to stay healthy, rather than focusing so much on D. Goals for this week are to spend more time with my higher power each day, exercise at least 3 days (that's another thing the cold weather does to me--I'm not motivated to exercise, which just makes me feel worse which makes me not want to exercise...it's a vicious cycle), and make a gratitude list each day. Starting now.

Today, I am grateful for the excitement that my next school year will bring as I move into more career-oriented work. I am grateful for my wonderful family. I am grateful for the new items I recently bought for the house that make it feel so much more homey. And I am as always grateful for this blog, its readers, and all my other wonderful recovery friends and resources who are such a help when things get difficult.

Anger

2010-02-28T13:00:00.000-08:00

I'm still working through the issue that arose yesterday with D helping his friend move. Sadly, I didn't handle the whole situation all too well--he ended up coming home a little later than expected, and when he called to let me know he was returning, I pretty much blew up. Of course, expressing my discomfort with the situation was not made better by my own screaming, but sometimes I feel that I just can't express exactly how I'm feeling otherwise. And that realization, along with Bernadine's most recent post, helped me realize that one of the issues I still have (and have never really worked on) is the anger I have felt (and still feel) toward D for this whole situation.

I have never really, fully admitted to just how angry D's behavior has made me. I mean yes, when disclosure first happened and as we worked through his probation and counseling we discussed the fact that he had hurt me and made me angry, but I've never really examined that anger, gotten to the core of it. At heart, I have to admit that this whole experience has, indeed, made me incredibly angry. I am angry that I had to waste so much time and money driving to counseling and PO appointments, angry that because of his criminal record we will always be limited in terms of D's career options, angry that my partner and best friend lied to my face for years about behavior that was painfully obvious. I am angry with myself for believing all of it, angry that I somehow became the kind of person who accepted that kind of mistreatment in exchange for security. I am angry that someone I love so completely was capable of mistreating me so horribly. Angry that D spent so much time with other women--either chatting online, texting, talking, or being together face-to-face instead of building time with me.

But more than anything I am angry that I cannot get back the trust that was broken. Angry that almost every day of my life, no matter how normal life seems to be, I am in some way reminded of the innocence I can't get back. I am angry that I cannot kiss my husband goodbye in the morning without saying a prayer that he will stay sober that day. Angry that I cannot simply be glad when my husband goes to help a friend move, but instead can't help but think through his motives and actions with a fine-tooth comb. Angry that I feel silly for getting upset about such a normal activity, yet also know that my reaction is justified. Angry, in short, that my world can never just be the simple, happy life I had before sex addiction found its place in our lives.

I'm still trying to figure out exactly what made yesterday so triggering, so that I can possibly set a new boundary or at least discuss it with D. Yesterday evening when we talked/fought about it, D offered to let me call the people who were there (both girls and guys) to confirm that nothing bad had happened, but it didn't make me feel better. He offered to not agree to something like this again without checking with me first, but that didn't help either--after all, I don't want to be the horrible wife who prevents my own husband from being a good person. I think that all this points to the ultimate problem being my inability to confirm his motives. Sure, nothing may have happened. There were many times when nothing happened with women he was seeking out before. My problem is, I will obviously never be able to truly know his intentions, thoughts, motives for almost anything, so I'm not sure if there are really any ways to make this better or prevent it in the future. But maybe just talking about it and admitting that some of this still makes me really, really angry is a start.

Backsliding

2010-02-27T06:46:00.001-08:00

D informed me last night that he was going to spend a couple hours after work today helping a (female) friend move. Now, when I work through things, I tend to love making lists. So, without further ado...

Pros:

He told me about this apparently as soon as he knew about it.
I know the friend. She's a pretty nice girl who has hung out with us several times.
D promised he had only agreed to help for an hour or two because we haven't seen each other very much lately and he wanted to make sure we got to spend an evening together.
I have no reason to believe D has any interest in this girl or is doing anything other than being a nice, helpful person to her/her roommate/her family/her dogs.

Cons:

This kind of shit still makes me get nervous. Still.

I wish, oh but I wish I could just hear something like that and not react. But I can't yet. Maybe I never will. When he first told me, I stayed calm and asked for details, but inside I was shaking and my bottom was dropping out. And then, of course, come the little niggling voices... "What if he's only doing this because he's trying to flirt with her?" "What if she asked him to do this because she's interested in him?" "What if they've been texting or e-mailing under the radar this whole time and the moving thing is just a front to hook up?" "Last time he helped a female friend move it was many years ago when he was still acting out and he was being too flirtatious and manipulative with her." And on and on.

Like I said above, I have no reason to think D isn't sober. I openly explained to him this morning how I was feeling--that I didn't mind the idea of him helping his friend move, but situations like these still sometimes stir up old, bad feelings. I even explained the fact that the last time he helped someone move it was a person with whom he had an inappropriate relationship (albeit not physical, but emotional infidelity hurts too). But somehow it still doesn't feel like enough. I still don't feel right about it. I'm still worried that somewhere somehow something bad is going to happen (or already has). I just wish there were a way to make the thoughts and worries and stomach lurches go away so I can have a nice, normal, non-sex-addiction day.

God-talk

2010-02-15T08:25:00.001-08:00

We have (yet another) snow day today as nature continues to inundate the midwest and east coast. I enjoy how pretty the snow can make things, but honestly at this point I'm just tired of it and ready for some warm. The chance to kick back and have nothing on the docket does, however, give me the opportunity to do some much-needed thinking and writing.

I've been thinking a lot about religion lately. I was raised in a Christian church by a decidedly liberal family--raised to question the authority of the capital-c Church, to understand the historical aspects behind the Bible and those who wrote it. I never grew up thinking that the bible was infallible or that the world was literally created in 6 days. And I like that. I've always appreciated my parents' efforts to make my siblings and I educated, thoughtful, and non-complacent when it came to religion. At the same time, however, we have always attended church. The same church, in fact--always in our same pew, every Sunday. And recently, that church has started to chafe me a bit. I suppose it's been a growing problem for a long time, but has recently started coming to a head as I've spent more time thinking about what it is I really believe (and also just how much I can't stand the current pastor).

This newfound soul-searching has coincided with the fact that my friend Sue has recently begun attending a new church with her boyfriend and thoroughly enjoying it. This church is what is known as unitarian, which essentially means that as a church, they welcome people from all religious backgrounds and encourage members to seek their own Truth while affirming the inherent dignity and worth of all peoples and beliefs. That one sentence was enough to get me hooked, and further research into the idea basically showed me that this concept (at least on paper) is exactly what I have been looking for in a church all my life. I do consider myself somewhat more Christian-based than the unitarian church as a whole, but what I love about it is that I can be Christian and find my Truth in that way, while respecting that the person next to me may find the same Truth via Hindu scriptures or Humanism or Paganism or anything else. This, for me personally, is a huge revelation--I have always felt within myself that there is truth to be found in all the major religions of the world, and here is a religion that affirms that fact.

And so, with this exciting new knowledge, D and I joined Sue and her boyfriend John for church on Sunday. And we both really, really enjoyed it (which is relatively shocking, because D has always been an ardent non-supporter of organized religion) and wanted to return.

Hooray, right? The only problem is that while I feel such a draw to this practice, I have a feeling that my family may not be as supportive. It's probably a stupid fear--my mom in particular I don't think will mind too much, although she will probably be happier if I at least continue also attending our family church at least until my grandmother dies. My dad, on the other hand, is another matter. Not that he disapproves directly, but he tends to be very set about his traditions and life, and would probably be generally upset if I were to stop attending church with the rest of the family. In fact, when D and I broached the subject at family lunch on Sunday following the service, my dad's initial reaction was, "Wait, WHAT kind of church was this?!!?" Even though he may agree with may of the tenets, he just can't wrap his head around the idea that I would choose this path.

My problem is that I'm just not sure how to deal with this. Obviously I want to do what makes me happy and what I feel is right for me, but I also don't want to cause strife with my parents. Especially with my parents, my people-pleasing properties tend to be especially strong and problematic, and so part of me wants to just say they can get over it, and part of me wants to avoid confrontation. I'm obviously hopeful that they'll just come to accept my choices, but even if they don't, I hope that I'll find the courage to stand up for myself.

Thoughts of Spring

2010-02-03T12:48:00.000-08:00

There were fresh tulips at the grocery yesterday. Now there are fresh tulips on my kitchen table.

This morning I was awoken by birds chirping outside my window.

We may have 6 more weeks of cold and snow, but it's the tiny signals that there will be a spring that are the highlight of my Winter.

Sharing (Or Not)

2010-01-21T17:46:00.001-08:00

My school sent me an e-mail today informing me that there will soon be a session for incoming grad students about dealing with addiction--both in the people we serve and in ourselves, as we work in an often busy and stressful environment that can often lead to higher percentages of such problems. There will be various community panelists who have battled addiction coming in to work with small groups, to let these new students know about the harrows of addiction and recovery from various substances and behaviors. In the e-mail, one of our professors asked for any of us who might have had experience with addiction (either on our own, or family/friends etc.) and would be willing to share to join in the small groups as panelists, were we comfortable doing so at this point in our recovery.

I think, first of all, that this is a fabulous idea. Too many professionals (in most fields, not just my own) don't realize just how prevalent addiction is among us, and knowing that some of your fellow students have dealt intimately with the subject could be incredibly helpful to those who might otherwise be too afraid or proud or ashamed to step forward and seek help otherwise. In fact, I think it's such a great idea that I'd love to step forward and help out as a panelist. The problem is, I'm not sure if either my husband or I would be prepared to take such a huge step in "outing ourselves."

I have gained a great deal from others as I have worked through my own recovery from this crazy disease that is SA. Without other bloggers, online meetings and support groups, and real-life counselors, I don't think I would be where I am today--let alone my husband or my marriage. And it is one of the major points of most recovery groups that the ultimate in giving back is to share the message with others. But yet, there is something incredibly private about sex addiction, especially given the stigma that it carries in the media and society in general. If my husband were a recovering alcoholic, this would seem to be a much simpler answer, but sharing with a group of colleagues, some of whom I know relatively well and some who will be my superiors as I continue in school and career, is much more difficult a prospect given the sensitivity of the subject. I know first of all that D may not approve, and his privacy is equally as important as mine. Even if he approves, however, I am not sure that I would feel comfortable being so open to these people I work so closely with.

I have some time to make a decision, but I find myself intrigued by the prospect of doing so. What do you think? If you had to chance to share your experience with co-workers and colleagues in a setting like this, would you take it or protect your anonymity?

Empathy and Its Downfalls

2010-01-12T21:06:00.000-08:00

A close friend of mine (let's call him/her J) recently discovered that an immediate family member has a life-threatening illness (it's so terribly difficult to share things like this and maintain anonymity, so you'll have to forgive the vagueness). This particular disease, once diagnosed, has a very short life expectancy--a year, perhaps, maybe a bit more or less. Obviously, I feel terrible for J. I cannot fathom what it must be to be going about life minding your own business and suddenly be facing the imminent death of someone you so dearly love. There are always the survivors, of course, those who defy the odds, but the odds are still not good. As a result, I find myself trying to do and be what J needs right now, to help facilitate the maintenance of as normal a life as possible given the circumstances. But I just can't help but feel that I'm running into trouble.

It's not that I'm over-extending myself trying to care for J. In fact, J is almost as stubborn as I am in refusing to ask for help if it's needed, or at least is still in shock and just unsure of how to feel and act--and as a result, I honestly haven't found much that J will actually allow me to do to help at all. Where I'm finding trouble is that I think I'm just transferring way too much of J's emotional climate to myself in an effort to be empathetic. I've always cared very much for people and naturally do feel like I am more in tune with others' feelings than most, and I know that it can be a detriment as much as an asset at times. Right now with J I can't seem to stop thinking about how awful I would feel if this were my mother/sister/father/spouse, and what in the world I would do without one of them, and what if one of them was going to die--and then I actually start feeling scared as though it were happening to me, or at least sick with worry that it could happen to me and mine. Much of this grows from my love for J, from whom I would spare this pain if I could--but it's not my burden, and I am growing tired of these feelings of fear and anxiety for J and for my own family.

Yet another thing I can't control but can't seem to stop stressing over.

In which I don't ask for what I want, but get what I need

2009-12-16T14:59:00.001-08:00

Cue the Rolling Stones. This morning, D and I slept in--well, D slept in, and I woke up early to study because it's finals week in the graduate school world. He woke up when one of his co-workers called to remind him about the pot luck lunch that was happening today at his job, to which he was supposed to bring a relatively substantial dish.

When he informed me of the imminent need to cook something, I went into freak out mode. I have more studying to do today than any day this week, and I was incredibly concerned that any time devoted to buying ingredients, cooking a dish, and/or driving to D's place of business to drop it off would absolutely kill my study plans and cause me to crash and burn on my exam on Friday. (Perhaps this is a bit of an exaggeration, but I was annoyed, to say the very least.) D was, of course, non-plussed and took more of the attitude that things would get done when they got done and everything would work out fine. I'm not sure why I'm always suspicious of this attitude, even though it's pretty much always right.

So I spent most of the morning fretting--what if I didn't finish this outline, or that study guide? How was I going to have time to cook and read that chapter? Why was D so careless to forget this when he knew how precious my time was this week? Should I put my foot down and tell him that I could not do this, that what I needed was to sit down and do nothing but study all afternoon without stopping (even though, to be honest, I would much rather just spend some quality time relaxing with him)? That plan was what seemed best--to simply tell D that I would have to hunker down and couldn't help. I was *this close* to saying it when D asked me to let him give me a neck massage. And then take the dog out with him. And then go to the store and cook the dish and take it to work and have some lunch. When the neck massage started and we left the house, I was almost livid--both at D, for ruining my study plans for the day, and at myself, for not asking for what I needed. But then something magical happened--on the drive to the grocery, D and I got to talk and laugh and spend a little time together. Then he quizzed me on a few questions while we cooked. On the drive to his work, we relaxed together a bit more. We enjoyed our lunch. And by the time we got home, several hours of lost studying time later, I was relaxed and comfortable and no longer irritable, and sat down to knock out some of the most productive work I've had all week.

I know I say it to myself over and over again, but sometimes I think I just need a reminder that things do tend to work out, and letting go and doing what I want can actually be exactly what I need after all.

BFF

2009-11-22T18:21:00.000-08:00

I'm going to put this out there--I have issues with friendship. Seeing my past through the lens of my present life (that is, at least somewhat through a lens of recovery), I realize that a lot of the issues I've had with friends over the years have arisen from how some pretty ridiculous codependent tendencies. I never would have said so at the time. I always thought that my self-sacrificing, caring, tag-a-long ways were an asset--I could be counted upon, I could listen like a champ, I could pick you up from a bar and pay your tab and drive you home only to have you forget to pay me back. Multiple times. (Wait--I did mention I was terribly, blindly codependent, right?)

And so, looking back on my so-called "best friends" through the years, I realize just how f***ed-up some of those relationships really were. My best friend in high school and into college was someone I thought would be there for me forever. Until the day I called to invite her to my birthday party, and she informed me that she had moved months ago and thought my birthday had already happened (without bothering to call, mind you). At that point, I realized that I had been giving much more than my fair share to the relationship and getting nothing in return. Of course, I realize now that a great deal of that problem was my own failure to set boundaries, my own inability to ask for what I needed, and my own introvertedness preventing me from seeing that there were lots of other people with whom I could spend my time. The person with whom I became close next is still a very good friend to me, but even then, I can see now that I was always giving a little more than I got. Not that my friend L was a bad friend, but she was very needy--a trait that my inner codie couldn't help but love. And so the pattern went, with me getting close to someone who turned out to drain me in some way, whether financially, physically, or emotionally.

I mention this because D and I were having fun discussing our friends a few days ago, and I realized that the person I would currently call my best friend (a lovely lady that I'll call Sue) is none of the things that I have found in best friends past. Sue is supportive and kind and caring. She calls me when she has problems (but does not expect me to fix them all for her), and is open for me when I have problems. Just last week, she came with me to an awards night because she was truly pleased that I had done well on a recent assignment. More than that, I feel that I am capable of doing things with her and for her without over-extending myself or drifting into dangerous codie territory. She is the best friend I have always wanted and never found, and I am incredibly grateful to have had her stumble into my life.

The cool thing about it is that I knew Sue was an amazing, wonderful friend before this--but only the other day in our discussion did I realize that I probably wouldn't have been able to have this friendship without a little solid recovery under my belt. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I'm sure something in my Helpful, Fix-it nature probably would have either allowed even this friendship to become unhealthy or would have just kept me from forming such a bond so quickly and easily. And that is just another reason, this Thanksgiving week, that I am so grateful for this blog, the people who read it, and all the other awesome recovery resources I've found since I started it.

Happy Thanksgiving, all! May you be pleasantly stuffed and may the tryptophan kick in before anyone mentions the healthcare debate (or maybe that's just my family--oh,well). :-D

Moving On

2009-10-15T12:31:00.000-07:00

Over the course of the past month or so, I have slowly realized that I am beginning to reach a new stage in life. More and more each week, I am realizing just how sick and tired I am of dealing with sex addiction--not necessarily D's addiction in particular, nor his recovery or our recovery or my recovery individually--just the whole topic. I have gradually grown weary of focusing so much time and energy on this "thing" that was once such a central issue in my life. I am ready in many ways to simply move on from what has happened in our past, but I find myself at a loss to explain how best to do so. It's an interesting conundrum.

At first, I was a little scared of the idea of this change (how very codependent of me) because I was concerned that being ready to move on meant that I didn't want to face my own reality. After all, if I just start acting like none of this ever happened, won't it all just happen again? Wasn't that what got me into trouble in the first place, ignoring all the bad things that were going on for the sake of keeping the peace? But I don't think that's it, really--I still react to things like D's computer use and phone as I did before, and check in as I feel is necessary. But in this readiness to move forward beyond SA I feel like (without any major impetus or conscious decision on my part) I am suddenly more ok with the idea that I do not have to police D's behavior, and with the knowledge that I will be ok whether he does or does not act out in the future.

Part of me also worries that I'm deluding myself--isn't recovery a life-long process that requires going to meetings and/or counseling forever to stay healthy? Is it possible for people to simply move on and use what they've learned on a daily basis, gradually detaching from the stringent programs that helped them get well like a drug addict weaning off meds? I suppose many people would disagree with me, but I feel like I've been integrating my program much more into my daily life, and the more I do so the less I feel the need to utilize the same resources I desperately required in the early stages of this process. Witness this: D and I are taking a trip next spring on our own, and when we booked the tickets my first fear was that my mother would somehow be upset--upset that we weren't taking her, upset that we would be gone during a time that other family members will be in town, etc. Luckily, while the guilty feeling in my stomach didn't go away immediately, my brain kicked into gear and reminded me that I am an adult, allowed to take a trip if I so choose without having to worry about others' responses or happiness. It was a liberating feeling to utilize a healthy behavior so quickly and naturally--I didn't think I had it in me. And yet, there it was right when I needed it.

And so I find myself at a crossroads, more interested in the solution--in practicing my spirituality, in taking care of myself, etc.--than the problem, and it's a little scary to find myself turning my back on something that has always seemed like a hulking monster barely kept at bay with my utmost effort. I worry that maybe this is dangerous, that I will lull myself into comfort and complacency only to get burned again, but it just feels so darn right that I can't help but run with it.

I'd be interested to hear if anyone else out there has had this experience of just not wanting to think/hear/feel about SA any more (in a good way). What thoughts have you, world?

Good News, Bad News

2009-09-23T06:13:00.001-07:00

The good news: after careful review of the phone records, I realized there was nothing there that D hadn't already told me about, with the exception of a mass text that he sent on Saturday night to a bunch of people (including me) that simply said "Hello, how are you doing?"

The bad news: due to the insane nature of yesterday (long story--it involved an intense amount of work to be done by me and the added fun of putting together a pretty extensive last-minute work project for him, which was finished and uploaded to a 24 hour copy shop at around 1:00 this morning) I didn't really get a chance to bring up the idea that we should set boundaries around how to avoid a situation like this in the future, and to establish/make clear my own boundaries around his drinking and other behavior. Now resolved to do that tonight and to insist that it gets done.

The good news: The friends that D went out with on Monday night confirmed that everything had been very fine and normal, that he didn't seem intoxicated at all, and that there were no issues with women. So it seems that he was telling the truth after all.

The bad news (or, considering my own recovery, perhaps good news): That still doesn't change the fact that I feel like I trusted him to know his limits and he violated that trust. It may have all been just a mistake, like he said, but it doesn't change how I felt about the situation.

The good news: Assuming there really have been no phone issues, today marks one year sobriety for D. And while we (quite obviously) still have a lot of issues to continue working through, that fact is still pretty darn cool when I consider how differently we both probably would have handled this situation a year ago.

Warning: Rant Ahead.

2009-09-22T07:33:00.000-07:00

D made plans to go out with friends last night for Margarita Monday at a local Mexican place. Originally he kept asking if I wanted to go or if I would drive or whatnot, but then he came home last night explaining that a his friend J had just broken up with his girlfriend, so they were going to make it a guys' night. No problem, I needed to get some work done anyway. He promises to be careful, to be responsible, because he has to finish a work project when he comes home anyway.

He got home around midnight, laid down on the couch for 5 minutes, and then proceeded to spend the next hour or two going back and forth to the bathroom to throw up. I left and slept in the guest room because I was so angry I almost couldn't breathe, but I didn't want to explode right then and there. This morning we discussed what happened--and he claimed that he was totally in control all night, had only had 4 drinks--it was just that since he hasn't had anything to drink in the past year his tolerance is much lower than he expected. He wasn't impaired to drive, he just all of a sudden got home and felt sick. He was, of course, upset when I expressed my disappointment in the whole situation.

I basically told him that what upset me was not the drinking--or even the driving, though I had a hard time believing that he was totally fine to drive if he was that sick afterward. My problem was that I trusted him to go out with friends--without me, even though when he made his relapse plan he originally said that he thought only drinking when I was around was a good idea--I trusted him to go out, be responsible, and do what he said he'd do. Especially since he made a big show out of talking about the need to be responsible. Instead, he comes home piss drunk, having spent money he said he wouldn't buying his friend's food and drinks. And if I can't trust him to do the simple task of doing what he said he would at the beginning of the night, then how am I supposed to trust that he can go out and not flirt with other women? Not text other women? Not relapse? In short, I trusted him to do the right thing and instead he put himself in a very dangerous situation, both recovery-wise and not.

His response was to admit that he made a mistake as far as the drinking--he misjudged what he could take and he paid for that. But he wasn't impaired and he took precautions to make sure nothing sexually inappropriate happened throughout the night, even talking about me first thing when a woman came up to the table. He was upset that, as he put it, I saw him as "broken," as someone with a sexual disease, and that those were the first things I thought of when he was sick over the toilet.

My problem now--I asked him this morning what he thought we should do about it, and he didn't really answer. When he gets home tonight, I'm going to outline the possibilities that work within my boundaries--but the even bigger issue is this: the whole time he was talking this morning, I felt very much like I did when he was in active addiction and making up very convincing stories. I have no real reason not to believe what he said about the night--but I don't. Or rather, I believe what he said about the night was true, but there's something in the defensiveness that puts me on edge and thinks that something else is going on behind the scenes, even if it has nothing to do with last night. And so, being the horrible codie I am, I checked the phone records for the first time in almost a year today. And of course, there are lots of things that are highly questionable, especially from the last couple of days. So now tonight I have to figure out if he's relapsing with his phone, or even just relapsing in terms of being incredibly secretive, but either way it's messed up. I'm so tired of his attitude that just because he's done with his mandatory counseling, he's free of addiction. Like he never has to worry about it again, it's never going to be a problem. It scares me that he might so easily fall back into thinking the way he used to, even though not a month ago he promised so many beautiful things.

Empty promises are the worst thing in the world, especially when you realize you might have been a sucker enough to believe them.

Relapse

2009-09-10T14:48:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a wake up call about my own very real need to stay involved in recovery even though D is finished with his counseling, etc. D went over to a friend's house to watch a game (a very dear friend, with whom I'm also close) and I stayed home to study. He left when he said he would, came home when he said he would, had a lovely time, etc. I got a little work done and then accidentally fell asleep on the couch until he walked back in the door. Oops, but oh well. Nothing so much to speak of.

The "problem" arose when I asked if D wanted a snack or anything before bed, and said no, he had had some chips and a beer at friend's house. One beer. One beer not out a bar or in a restaurant or on his own but in the home of a very close friend who is responsible and caring and fabulous. The problem? When D made his relapse plan several weeks ago, one of his listed plans to avoid any relapse problem was to only drink if I was with him. When he made the rule, I suggested that I wouldn't mind him drinking with certain friends, in certain situations, but he was the one who was adamant that if he made this rule this way, it would prevent any loopholes that could cause problems.

So when he came home and had one beer, I yelled and screamed and got angry and basically completely lost all good progress I could have made had I simply stated the problem and asked to discuss it. The big mistakes: first of all, I broke every single HALT rule--I was exhausted, had been alone studying all night, and hadn't had much to eat. Then I got mad at myself first and foremost because I felt like, given the situation, this shouldn't be a big deal. Just one beer. But that was denying my feelings. Instead of just putting it out there, I brooded because I worried about what he would think or if he would get mad. Essentially I did all the things that I have worked oh-so-hard to correct over the course of my recovery (keeping to my boundaries, speaking up if there's a problem, staying calm, etc. etc. etc.)

Today I apologized and we agreed to have a brief discussion on the matter when he gets home from work, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like since he's been out of counseling, I've been the one to relapse. Just goes to show that staying well is something that should always be in my focus--it's just too easy to fall back to where I used to be.

2009-09-03T19:12:00.001-07:00

After my last, rather depressing post, I thought I'd post some things that remind of the fact that there remains good in the world, even when things get crummy.

We finished D's probation last week and had a fabulous weekend that involved doing several of the things we haven't done for the past year--including a night out at our favorite restaurant with friends and a glass of wine. It was lovely and just what I needed to get my mind off of all of the funeral-related festivities of the previous few days. Today was our first Thursday that we didn't have to worry about leaving work/school early, driving to PO appointments or class, etc. It feels normal, which is nice.

I was reminded that good things do come out of even the worst of situations--while the reasons were unpleasant, it was wonderful to have my entire extended family all in one place last weekend. We really are a wonderful, fun, loving group, and the love and support we hold for each other is obvious and real, for which I am incredibly grateful.

Finally, I was privileged enough to attend a community meeting at a local clinic/shelter for the homeless, alcoholics, addicts, etc. The organization was linked up with my school as a volunteer opportunity, and for our first visit we were given a tour of the facility (which includes a detox center, homeless shelter, soup kitchen, and long-term housing for addicts in the process of recovery) and a chance to sit in on a community AA meeting. I was nervous at first, since the place was in a not-so-fabulous area of town, but the men in the meeting were incredible--welcoming, open, humble, grateful for their chance at recovery. The peer mentor who showed us around was an incredible person who shared his story of being addicted to almost every drug possible from the age of 15, entered the center at 18 and spent 10 months going through the rigorous life and demands placed on those who would commit to complete recovery through this center--the men and women who choose to stay are given free food and basic housing for the entirety of their stay--as long as it takes to work through the 12 steps. Most have a wait of 2-3 months before they can even begin step work, not only because of the motivational track they are first put through to ensure their commitment to sobriety but because there are so many people involved. He was so grateful for his newfound life that he chose to stay and work, helping others through the program while he returned to school to pursue his dream of becoming a doctor. It was a beautiful reminder of just how awesome recovery is, and of just how similar seemingly completely different people can be. At the end of the community meeting, we were invited to stand with the group as they said the serenity prayer, and it was truly a humbling and happy experience to join in.

Home

2009-08-25T10:06:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to write, so I'll simply write the truth.

My grandfather passed away. He was simply one of the single best people I've ever known, and watching as his ravaged body began to breathe more and more slowly and finally just stopped has left me with a hole in my heart that only he can really fill. The good part is that my entire family--all of his children, their spouses, my grandmother, and me--was there with him to the end, cheering him on.

The infection had just spread too much--there was simply nothing more to do. We all felt it was best to just remove the medications except for pain control. He was more peaceful throughout the entire day than he has been in the past few, and looked comfortable even as he passed. Yet still, when it came down to it, my grandmother--the strongest woman I have ever seen, who spoke to him throughout the day to tell him it would all be fine, whose voice didn't even crack until the very end--broke down and wept. She broke my heart more than anything else. She is bereft--her best friend and husband of almost sixty years, gone after this incredibly exhausting struggle.

The most painful thing was knowing that just a week ago, when the infection came back after a few weeks of relief, he looked at my mom and told her, "I was almost there." He was so close to being able to just go home. That was everyone's greatest regret. He hadn't been home in several months, between different hospitals and rehab facilities, and it was his single greatest wish. All he wanted was to be able to go home, and he never got to.

And yet. Yesterday, when it was finally over, I texted D to let him know. My phone has a technology that allows it to predict words based on what numbers you punch in--and the message I typed was, "He's gone." The numbers that spell the word "gone" are 4663. Incidentally, the first word that the phone recognized--spelled with the same numbers in the same order--was "home." He's home. He's finally home, free of all this pain and disease and fear and frustration, and I truly believe (as he did, so simply and passionately) that he is in a much, much better place, and that he is truly happy.

That's what gets me through, but it still hurts like hell.

Promises

2009-08-23T18:01:00.000-07:00

D promised to me today, in the car, on the way to his polygraph appointment (he has to complete and pass a poly in order to finish his probation) that he had disclosed everything to me, and that he had been sober since he said he had been sober (11 months yesterday). He promised that he had been honest throughout the past year and had nothing to hide going into the polygraph.

He passed the test. Thursday is his official last day of probation.

On the way home, he promised me that on Friday, his first act in being probation-free will be to take me to the city (which is across state lines, and had for the past two years been verboten without express permission from the PO) to eat dinner wherever I want.

For the first time in longer than I can think, I actually believe that he will keep his promises.

As I told him last Thursday, I do not believe he will never relapse--and he didn't promise that. I do, however, expect that if he does relapse, he will tell me in a reasonable amount of time--and he promised to do so. As of now, though with the honest understanding that anything could change at any moment, I believe that he will keep that promise, too.

I'm also making some promises to myself. I promise that I will never again allow someone to treat me in a way that is unacceptable. I promise to stand up for myself when my gut tells me something is amiss, and not to sit back and accept obvious lies even if they are comforting. I promise that I will be strong enough to set clear boundaries and keep them (fyi: anything illegal is a Deal Breaker, acting out with a real live person is a Deal Breaker). I promise to keep working on me, and to remember just how far I (and we) have come if things seem over my head. I promise to be myself, take care of myself, and love myself as much as possible. And most of all, I promise to believe I can keep those promises.

The many faces of self-care

2009-08-21T15:40:00.000-07:00

Today, I feel strong.

I spoke up for myself yesterday and set clear boundaries surrounding D's relapse plan and our continuing relationship post-probation.

I paid my bills and am carrying no credit card debt.

I started pre-studying for when classes begin next week, and I feel ahead of the game and ready to go.

I think I might finally be getting the hang of what this whole "self-care" thing really means.

Ch Ch Ch Changes

2009-08-19T19:11:00.000-07:00

As of tomorrow, we officially have one week left in D's probation. Part of me is thrilled. We have survived this mess not only intact, but stronger, both individually and together thanks to the recovery it sparked over the past year. D has almost a year's sobriety. We will finally be able to travel where we want, when we want, without asking permission weeks in advance. We will be more financially stable, not having to spend significant money each week for his mandatory counseling classes and the gas it takes to get there (as to the PO meetings). I no longer have to stress over D's requirement to turn down the occasional glass of wine at a dinner party or family gathering. We won't have to worry about him losing his job because of his need to leave work early once a week, and we won't have to spend the significant amount of time in the car each week worrying about arriving everywhere on time.

And yet. We won't have to take so much time out of our week to drive--but we won't get that awesome few hours in the car alone together to just talk. We won't have to pay for counseling, but we won't have the impetus to have open, honest conversation about our progress in recovery and any issues we're having. We have made a lot of amazing progress in the past year, and now...what happens next? This feels like such a huge turning point, such a wonderful occasion, and yet I feel some trepidation as I wait for the next week to pass.

I know that next Friday will most likely come without fanfare, and that life will probably continue just fine. But there comes with this new, exciting, progress-laden change just that--change. I feel like I have become comfortable with the status quo over the past 2 1/2 years. 2 years, spent dealing with the probation requirements and the counseling and the homework and the driving. It feels odd that it will just...end. And with that strange new sense that comes with change, comes just a little bit of fear. It's not fear because something bad might happen--it's just fear that this will be new again. I have always hated change. Change has usually been very, very bad in my life.

And so as we head into this last, frightening, exciting, wonderful/terrible week, here's hoping that this change--as seems very probable--will be a good one. That we will ride off into the proverbial sunset, if not to a world free of addiction and its ravages, at least to one where we (and especially I) can take each day as it comes, accept what I cannot change, and continue every day to work on the bettering of me.

Or maybe the world will just explode next Friday. You never know. :-)

His, Mine, and Ours

2009-08-14T15:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday evening, D and I made the trek to his counseling class for what was almost the last time. He has two weeks to go--two more classes, one more PO visit, and then we are "off paper." For the next two weeks, he is focusing on finalizing his relapse plan. As we were driving home, he offered up of his own accord that he thought we should sit down and write out the final version together, so that I could be involved in knowing exactly what the plan was so that I could help him remain accountable after the end of his class. I was thrilled with this idea, not least because it shows just how far we have come to feel comfortable being that open and vulnerable with each other. In the past, D was never comfortable talking to me about what he was going through, and in my codependent state I did not have strong enough boundaries or confidence to say things like "I want X as we move forward." At least, not without making it a controlling, demanding set-up for a fight.

Yet as we drove home, he offered up that he was a little scared about all the new things that were coming. He asked if I would help him avoid his biggest triggers by disconnecting any computer he has in the future (his has been on lock-down for the past year) from the capability of getting on the internet. And I was able to tell him that, while I thought that was a great idea, I needed any computer he has in the future to be a new one--the old one is just too triggering for me, too symbolic of all the crap that has gone on in the past.

With all this honesty and communication going on, everything seemed to be going just swimmingly, but the biggest sign of progress that I noted was my own response later that evening--everything we had discussed earlier had centered around him--writing out his relapse plan, me helping him stay sober, etc--when really, the biggest changes that I have seen in me have come through my own recovery and focusing more on myself. And so I resolved to make my own "relapse plan" of sorts, and when we sit down to discuss his, to include my own recovery goals and plans for the future. After all--it really is the combination of our individual recovery efforts that has contributed so much to our current (and, with the help of our HPs, future) success as a couple.

MBTI

2009-08-11T09:10:00.000-07:00

I recently took a Myers-Briggs personality test, which is supposed to be one of the more accurate ways of describing one's personality type. The test involved a ridiculous number of questions, but at the end, the description I got was SO spot on it was scary. There are 16 MB personality types, consisting of 4 different categories: E or I (extrovered or introverted), N or S (intuitive or sensing), F or T (feeling or thinking), and J or P (judging or perception). I'm an ISFJ, and as I read the description, not only did it fit my personality EXACTLY, it also showed in full light a lot of codie behavior and a lot of issues that I have (see: People Pleasing and Difficulty Expressing Emotions). I'd be interested if any other codies out there were ISFJs, too.

ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their "need to be needed." In extreme cases, this need is so strong that standard give-and-take relationships are deeply unsatisfying to them; however, most ISFJs find more than enough with which to occupy themselves within the framework of a normal life. (Since ISFJs, like all SJs, are very much bound by the prevailing social conventions, their form of "service" is likely to exclude any elements of moral or political controversy; they specialize in the local, the personal, and the practical.)

ISFJs are often unappreciated, at work, home, and play. Ironically, because they prove over and over that they can be relied on for their loyalty and unstinting, high-quality work, those around them often take them for granted--even take advantage of them. Admittedly, the problem is sometimes aggravated by the ISFJs themselves; for instance, they are notoriously bad at delegating ("If you want it done right, do it yourself"). And although they're hurt by being treated like doormats, they are often unwilling to toot their own horns about their accomplishments because they feel that although they deserve more credit than they're getting, it's somehow wrong to want any sort of reward for doing work (which is supposed to be a virtue in itself). (And as low-profile Is, their actions don't call attention to themselves as with charismatic Es.) Because of all of this, ISFJs are often overworked, and as a result may suffer from psychosomatic illnesses.

In the workplace, ISFJs are methodical and accurate workers, often with very good memories and unexpected analytic abilities; they are also good with people in small-group or one-on-one situations because of their patient and genuinely sympathetic approach to dealing with others. ISFJs make pleasant and reliable co-workers and exemplary employees, but tend to be harried and uncomfortable in supervisory roles. They are capable of forming strong loyalties, but these are personal rather thaninstitutional loyalties; if someone they've bonded with in this way leaves the company, the ISFJ will leave with them, if given the option. Traditional careers for an ISFJ include: teaching, social work, most religious work, nursing, medicine (general practice only), clerical and and secretarial work of any kind, and some kinds of administrative careers.

While their work ethic is high on the ISFJ priority list, their families are the centers of their lives. ISFJs are extremely warm and demonstrative within the family circle--and often possessive of their loved ones, as well. When these include Es who want to socialize with the rest of the world, or self-contained ITs, the ISFJ must learn to adjust to these behaviors and not interpret them as rejection. Being SJs, they place a strong emphasis on conventional behavior (although, unlike STJs, they are usually as concerned with being "nice" as with strict propriety); if any of their nearest and dearest depart from the straight-and-narrow, it causes the ISFJ major embarrassment: the closer the relationship and the more public the act, the more intense the embarrassment (a fact which many of their teenage children take gleeful advantage of). Over time, however, ISFJs usually mellow, and learn to regard the culprits as harmless eccentrics :-). Needless to say, ISFJs take infinite trouble over meals, gifts, celebrations, etc., for their loved ones--although strong Js may tend to focus more on what the recipient should want rather than what they do want.

Like most Is, ISFJs have a few, close friends. They are extremely loyal to these, and are ready to provide emotional and practical support at a moment's notice. (However, like most Fs they hate confrontation; if you get into a fight, don't expect them to jump in after you. You can count on them, however, run and get the nearest authority figure.) Unlike with EPs, the older the friendship is, the more an ISFJ will value it. One ISFJ trait that is easily misunderstood by those who haven't known them long is that they are often unable to either hide or articulate any distress they may be feeling. For instance, an ISFJ child may be reproved for "sulking," the actual cause of which is a combination of physical illness plus misguided "good manners." An adult ISFJ may drive a (later ashamed) friend or SO into a fit of temper over the ISFJ's unexplained moodiness, only afterwards to explain about a death in the family they "didn't want to burden anyone with." Those close to ISFJs should learn to watch for the warning signs in these situations and take the initiative themselves to uncover the problem.

All of the above from this website.

Monday Musings

2009-08-03T07:37:00.001-07:00

There are several things I want to write about today, but each would take so long that I doubt I will be able to get them out. Instead, I'll start with snippets and expand them, perhaps, in the next few days.

D went running with one of his good friends last night. We have been concerned for some time that V might have some tendencies toward alcoholism, which were recently highlighted when he got a DUI. He is currently taking mandatory alcohol classes and nonchalantly mentioned last night that on the "tolerance scale" he completed in class, his tolerance was an extremely high number--which means he has a very low/easy trigger for alcoholism. D and I both worry about the way he brushes these things off. The bigger feelings I have surrounding the situation, however, is that I can't help but get this nudge every time V is around or brings up alcohol that D should share some of his story with V. I haven't mentioned it to D yet, because I'm not sure how comfortable he would be sharing anything with anyone, but if the nudging keeps up I will have to eventually. My gut is almost never wrong.

I have recently begun delving (somewhat unwillingly) into the issues I have surrounding my mother. I love my mom. She is a fantastic woman who raised my family extremely well and has never been anything but supportive, loving, and caring. But yet there is something about her that makes both my sister and I absolutely terrified of making her angry and/or disappointed. We are both incredibly concerned with keeping her happy, and I'm honestly not sure where that reaction comes from, other than an innate codependent sense that I can control my own environment by controlling everyone else's feelings. I have conquered a lot of this response with other people in my life--especially with D--but when it comes to my mother my automatic response is to do whatever it takes to make her happy at the expense of almost anyone else, including myself, my friends, other family, D. I know it's a bad thing, I know it's a huge roadblock on my recovery path, but it happens like a reflex. And figuring out why it happens and how to solve the problem is going to be a huge, huge hurdle.

In addition to my mom, I am working on figuring out what boundaries I want to set surrounding the end of D's probation and counseling. We have had some great communication surrounding this recently, but I am trying to work on writing down a few things so that they become more concrete.

I'm getting ready to go back to school in a few weeks and currently experiencing those mixed feelings of excited anticipation of all the new things that will be coming and dread that the summer is coming to a close.

The birthday party Friday was a blast--I am incredibly glad I went, as I got to catch up with good friends and relax and just generally enjoy a beautiful afternoon with good company. My fears that D would be upset about my going were unfounded; he got home not long before I did that evening and was excited to hear about the goings-on in our old town. Just another little thing that marks the progression of recovery.

Invitation

2009-07-29T07:07:00.000-07:00

A good friend of mine, who lives a couple hours away and whom I see very little, recently sent me an e-mail inviting me to join her soon for her birthday party. My initial response was an enthusiastic Of Course! I Can't Wait!, but almost as soon as I'd typed the words I erased them. Not because I changed my mind, or didn't want to go, or realized some urgent plans that had already been made that day--simply because D couldn't go and I needed to check with him first. Now, it's certainly not a bad thing to check with my husband in order to ensure that there is nothing important in our respective lives on the date in question that I am forgetting, prior to sending my RSVP. I think, however, it is probably a bad thing that the main reasons behind my desire to check-in with him before committing are fear of him being angry that I'm gone, and worry that he will act out either as a result of that anger or a result of being all alone on a Friday night.

This is where my people-pleasing is at its worst--in these gut reactions to simple things, like invitations to birthday parties. In my effort to please others and thereby control them and my environment (because if I can keep D happy, of course, he won't act out and I won't have to deal with all that craziness) I have once again discounted myself. This kind of thing used to happen all the time, and cost me some friendships along with my sanity. Luckily, now I have my recovery tools and while those deep-seated fears haven't exactly gone away, I can at least remind myself (again) that I cannot control D's reactions. It is not my job to ensure his happiness 100% of the time, and even if he is alone and/or angry about my absence, he is perfectly capable to drawing on his own recovery tools to get through it. I can leave him to his Higher Power and focus on--gasp!--me. And if I focus on me, and self-care, and what I really want to do, the answer to her question comes easily.

Of course! I can't wait!

Mac-N-Cheese

2009-07-23T11:46:00.000-07:00

This week has been a bit of an onslaught, trigger-wise. I managed--with the help of this blog, my recovery toolbox, my HP, and some other select friends--to ride the wave on Tuesday night and come out better for it. I didn't have a meltdown, didn't freak out about what anyone else was feeling, managed to keep the Need To Please (and appease) in check. And then came Wednesday.

Background story: For D's birthday, I (along with other family and friends) went in purchasing him a new video game system. He's wanted one for a while, especially for the social aspect of playing with his friends, so he was thrilled. The system came with a game he hadn't played before, and we've both actually really enjoyed it so far. Even I'll admit that it's a little difficult to put down once you get into it. This past weekend, D spent an inordinate amount of time playing the game, which frustrated me because I felt like we didn't see each other much as a result. We discussed my feelings about it and basically agreed that while the game itself wasn't an issue, we'd both be careful not to spend quite so much time with it as opposed to with each other.

Last night started out well--D got home from work pretty early, he played for a little while while I made dinner, and then we ate together and watched tv for a while (including the presidential address, which was really important for me). Once the press conference was over, he asked if it was alright with me if he played for just a little bit more before bed. I had no problem with it, figuring that we typically go to bed at the same time each night and he'd play for a brief while and then bedtime would commence as usual.

But then the system locked up and he needed some extra time to just get to the end of something he was trying to do. And then he was almost there, and would have been done half an hour ago if this one thing hadn't gotten screwed up, so just a bit more. Come midnight (a good 1 1/2 hours after we usually head to bed), I got up and went to the bedroom. I mentally filed my actions under self-care, telling myself that I needed to take care of me no matter what he chose and that it was his own business and problem if he was tired at work the next day from staying up too late. But then the brooding began, and I have to admit, I was incredibly annoyed and angry about his actions. Hadn't we just discussed not letting things go too far with this stupid game? Wasn't it ridiculous to stay up way past your normal bedtime, sacrificing self-care in lieu of some new quest? This was absolutely outrageous!

As I lay there in bed stewing away, I asked my HP to help me let go of this stupid situation, to help me remember that his choices were his choices, etc. But what I couldn't figure out for the longest time was exactly why this whole situation was so bothersome to me--until it hit me. I was letting my codie get the best of me (again). When that happens, there's almost always a trigger of some sort happening, so I set out trying to put my finger on what was so triggering about this whole scenario. What I eventually figured out was that I was not annoyed by the fact that D was staying up late. I was not even really annoyed with the fact that he was playing his game, because we had had a good compromise earlier and spent plenty of good quality time together earlier in the evening. What was really the problem was that his behavior was reminding me of how he used to use his computer when he was acting out.

When D was in active addiction, he would stay on the computer late into the night, even though I begged, borrowed, and pleaded for him to come to bed. Back then, I would struggle to stay awake with him, going so far as to get on a different computer in a different room to talk to him on IM, just to keep my eyes open. I'm not sure why I thought I needed to stay up with him--perhaps out of fear that he would be angry, perhaps because I wanted to know exactly when he came to bed--but I know that it was an incredibly self-destructive behavior. And now, this whole video game thing was frightening me, because it felt very similar to the old computer days when D would stay up til 3 in the morning looking at porn and chatting with various women online. I was scared that he was unable to put the game down and come to bed (a replacement addiction?), but more than that I was experiencing a visceral sort of fear that was simply a throw-back to those times when I knew in my gut that his words of "yes, I'll come to bed in just a minute" meant nothing but a long, sleepless night for me. I knew, then, that something was Not Right, and this video game thing was so similar that it was putting me through similar reactions even though the situation was different.

It's kind of like when you're a kid, and you eat macaroni and cheese the same day you happen to get the flu, and you end up throwing up the macaroni and cheese the whole rest of the night. You just can't bring yourself to eat macaroni and cheese for a long, long time after that without wanting to run to a toilet. This situation was similar enough to those old scenarios that my mind had that same gagging sensation in response. The good news: I was able to recognize that I wasn't really sick. There was no flu this time, and I didn't need to stock up for a week of illness. I was even able to explain the passing sensation to D, and we can both now work toward a solution wherein I either avoid mac-n-cheese or work my way back up to eating it again.

I am not responsible

2009-07-21T20:44:00.000-07:00

I am struggling a little tonight with the conflict that arises when I know my inner codie is acting up--I am aware of the cycle's beginnings, can see the horrible patterns of thinking starting up--but nothing I am doing currently is helping to stem the tide. And so I write, hoping to sort out the craziness on "paper" before it boils over. (Wow. How's that for enough metaphors in one paragraph.)

D is upset tonight. He is tired from working two 12-13 hour days in a row, cranky from not having any time to just relax, sick of feeling like he has to please and take care of everyone else to the exclusion of himself. He is irritable and frustrated and unpleasant, and has been a little short-tempered in his ranting about it. Of course, the codie who lives in my head immediately decided to poke her nose out to see what was causing so much noise.

What? she says. Someone's upset? What part did I play and what must I do so that no one is mad or upset with me? D informed me that part of his frustration stems from the fact that after getting home late from work the past two nights, he has had no time to do something just for him--although last night I met him at the door (practically) with dinner and we spent the evening watching TV together and snuggling like we have done many nights so far this summer, to his delight. What's different? she wants to know. Why was last night's routine of snuggling and TV watching not ok when it has been fine on many other occasions? Did I do something different? Are you withdrawing? Is something wrong? Did something happen? Do I need to go away so you can be happy? What can I do to fix your mood?

Whoa. Slow down there, sister.

I know--I have read so many times in so many recovery resources--that I am NOT responsible for D's (or anyone else's) feelings. I cannot control the fact that he is angry, upset, or irritable. I am not responsible for "making him happy." I am responsible for me, and my feelings, and my actions/reactions. I can leave him to his higher power and trust in mine to take care of me. But the fact that I know these things in principle does not make the codie go away. My ultimate Need To Please keeps me wondering what to do to diffuse the situation. The answer, of course is nothing, and so I will simply keep repeating the Serenity Prayer to myself--that I must accept that I cannot change his mood or do much of anything different in terms of our daily schedule, that the only thing I can change is my attitude toward the situation, and I will commit myself to doing so (or at the very least, faking it til I make it).

Spirituality

2009-07-17T19:32:00.001-07:00

This wasn't on my list of things I'm currently making an effort to journal about, but I ran across this quote today and it so perfectly resonated with my efforts to seek spirituality (especially in recovery) that I just had to share.

"Spirituality is not about perfection; it is about connection. The way of the spiritual life begins where we are NOW in the mess of our lives. Accepting the reality of our broken, flawed lives is the beginning of spirituality not because the spiritual life will remove our flaws but because we LET GO of seeking perfection and, instead, seek God, the one who is present in the tangledness of our lives. Spirituality is not about being fixed; it is about God's being present in the mess of our unfixedness."

- Michael Yaconelli from the book "Messy Spirituality"

I was so touched by this description of accepting our flaws, letting go of a search for perfection, and seeking God (or a Higher Power) in the mess of my life. I was raised in the church my entire life, but found the dogma and stringent requirements extremely difficult to balance with my worldview. When I began recovery in earnest, I began striving to find a new sort of faith that would allow me to connect with God on terms that were more my own, and less dictated by two thousand years of bureaucracy. I feel like I have developed a wonderful relationship with my God as I walk this path and work on myself, but I still find myself struggling--daily--with the idea of letting go and/or needing to chase perfection. If I fail to be gentle with myself, if I find myself attempting to control everyone and everything around me, surely I must be failing not only in my recovery efforts but spiritually, since I am supposed to be more reliant on God in those situations and less on myself. Instead, this quote reminds me that being a mess, being broken and flawed and imperfect is not only acceptable but inevitable, and that seeking God is much more important than seeking perfection in myself--and thank God for that, because I am pretty much perfectly imperfect.

Home Again

2009-07-11T20:04:00.001-07:00

We (more than) survived a lovely week of vacation in a beautiful place. It was glorious to wake up every morning when we wanted and do whatever we wanted--reading, lounging by a pool, walking on the beach. I so love the beach--every time I go, I feel renewed. As I sat watching the waves as the sun sank on our final night, I felt (as I do each time) that some small part of my life--the vacation, the past year, or something greater, perhaps--was drawing to a close, and something new and exciting was waiting just over that horizon. The beach, for me, is possibility personified. More than New Year's, it represents a new beginning.

I have been keeping up with blogs and recovery stuff sporadically while I was gone, but now that I'm back and feeling all new and potential-filled, I have ideas for several posts roiling around in my head. Some upcoming attractions:

My relationship with my mother, or "possibly the most difficult hurdle in my search for serenity"
Setting boundaries as we approach the end of D's probation
Communication issues
To share or not to share
The perennial issue of my inner codie control freak

Be back soon.

Update

2009-07-03T17:25:00.001-07:00

My grandfather is doing better, though still not out of the woods yet. On Monday, we were all legitimately concerned that he wasn't going to make it, and today things are definitely looking at up at the least. Now I am heading out for a week of vacation, and looking forward to some rest and good times with family. I'll probably not be posting much this week, but I'll be sure to catch up when we return! Happy 4th of July!

Death and Recovery

2009-06-29T11:59:00.001-07:00

My mind is swirling with ideas of death lately. My dearly beloved grandfather, champion of my childhood, kindest person I've ever known, who performed my christening and my wedding ceremony, has been ill for several weeks now. He has been in and out of the hospital, and every time something seems to improve, something else starts to fall apart. He is currently being kept sedated and having a little difficulty breathing as he fights off yet another infection. The majority of my family is on vacation, and D and I are supposed to meet them on Saturday--which leaves me in town to drive my grandmother around and sit with her at the hospital during the day. It is painful to watch as they both struggle--he with getting well, she with the possibilities of what may happen. It is painful to think of the idea that he will probably not come home as doctors discuss the idea of placing him on a ventilator, and it is hard to balance keeping my family up to date vs. keeping their vacation as worry-free as possible.

I came home from the hospital this afternoon grateful for the chance to recharge, but even more so for the fact that things I have learned in my recovery are guiding me through this experience. Before, I would probably have been panicking by now, but today I am simply focused on the fact that what will happen, will happen, and I must accept that I cannot change that. Part of me wants to skip through this nasty stage and either hurry to a point where he is better or to the point that his death is past and we can move on from this waiting game--but through recovery, I know that all I can do is be here, where I am, and all I can do is all I can do both for myself and my family.

I am--we are--taking things one day at a time. And that fact is as great a gift of recovery as any.

A moment of gratitude

2009-06-25T04:24:00.001-07:00

As a follow-up, our anniversary was lovely. We exchanged gifts, played a board game (which I gave to D--he loves board games), and went out to a lovely dinner. We drove around shopping (fantasizing) for expensive cars we can't afford and talking a lot about where we are and where we've come and where we're going--perhaps to a future where I can drive a BMW, perhaps not, but certainly to a future I look forward to. Sometimes I am so amazed by this gift we have found in remaking ourselves and our relationship that I can't fully grasp it.

Sometimes it is easy to look past all the little things, the tiny everyday experiences that are so utterly changed since we both started recovery. This past week, since those lovely anniversary conversations, I have noticed more and I am practically brimming over with gratitude. It really is just the tiniest, silliest things that make the biggest differences and are the lasting mark of health in our lives--things like the fact that D is on time to work every day. In active addiction, he was late everywhere he went, usually because he could not physically pry himself away from his computer without great effort. Now we are on time--even early--almost everywhere we go. Things like the fact that I was able to communicate my needs about household chores, and D agreed, and I am committed to working on loosening my expectations about other people's timelines in exchange for a little mental health and relaxation for myself. On Monday, D came home from work and with no complaint we went outside together and did yard work. The grass is still tall and un-mowed because my dad wanted to take us out to dinner, but it will get done and I am ok with its imperfection for the moment. Things like the fact that I haven't checked the phone records in months and have no urge to do so.

Life is not perfect. I still have my moments (lots of them) of codie craziness, and I still battle with my incessant need for control and perfection, but those feelings seem to have taken a backseat position instead of hogging the wheel all the time. At the very least, when they pop up I am (mostly) able to talk myself back out of them long enough to tell someone, and I have a best friend in D who understands and can often help me see reason. It is moments like these when--though I cannot say I am happy about going through this pain of addiction--I am so, so thankful for everything we have gone through that has brought me to this point.

Celebrating

2009-06-20T07:08:00.000-07:00

We are celebrating our first wedding anniversary today. It's not actually our anniversary--that's later in the week--but since we are both off work today we are taking the time to go out to a nice dinner tonight and be together all day.

It's been a good year. Last September I wasn't sure if we would make it. Today I could not be happier about the results of almost 9 months of recovery and the people we are both becoming. It hasn't been easy--in fact, at times it has been maddening--but I look at where we are today and I am grateful for everything that has happened, for the relationship we are building that is finally the one I thought we would have from the beginning. I am grateful for my higher power who has helped me become the person I envisioned myself to be.

Happy anniversary to us.

Thinking

2009-06-13T07:55:00.000-07:00

It's a lazy Saturday morning, D is at work, and I am sitting around in bed thinking about various things. First on the list: gifts. Next weekend marks our first wedding anniversary, and the day after will be 9 months of sobriety for D. This past year has been one of the craziest of our lives, but also one of the best, because it has brought us so much closer and happier and saner since we started our roads of recovery back in September. I want to get him something more than just a book or a game like I would for a typical birthday or Christmas. Additionally, not two weeks later is D's birthday, and buying gifts in succession like that has never been my forte. I'm currently trying to conspire with my family and his family for all of us to chip in on a larger present that I know he'll enjoy--a new game system. He loves video games and has especially gotten into them since he no longer uses a home computer for entertainment. We'll see how that one works out.

Other thoughts: I am currently working on improving my communication skills, including being a better listener, but also (and more importantly for my own recovery) being less afraid to voice my wants and needs--even if they might make someone else upset. One of the most pressing issues where this particular point has become a problem lately is the area of household chores. I do them. Honestly, I do most things around the house--grocery shop, cook, clean, vacuum, pick things up, laundry, mow the lawn, do the yardwork. I do them, mainly because if I don't they simply don't get done in a timely fashion. It isn't entirely D's fault--when you work 60-80 hours a week like he has been lately, there just isn't much time when you get home at 8:00 at night to do things like this. What has become more and more annoying, however, is the fact that when D does have free time--on the weekend or when he has a day off--he wants that time to be free time for him to do what he wants. On the whole, I don't have a problem with that idea, since he works much more than I do and therefore has much less time to himself, but I am becoming frustrated by the fact that when I have time off, I do the work, even if I don't feel like it at the moment. I do it because the lawn cannot go another day without being mowed due to impending rain, or because there is no more clean underwear available without my doing the laundry, or because my anal-retentive self just cannot stomach the dog fur on the floor for one more second. D always tells me he will help and do things, that I should sit down and rest and he will get to it later--but later just doesn't happen as fast as I want it to, and so I end up doing everything anyway.

Seeing this pattern, I realize that part of the problem is my own expectations--I define when his "later" should be, and when his definition doesn't meet my expectations, I give up on the idea and my codie self just takes charge. On the other hand, he is also (for the most part) unaware of my needs in this area because I have not been good about communicating them. And so that is my goal for today--to communicate the fact that I need him to help out a little more so that I am not stuck doing everything, and to accept that just because he may not do everything to my standards does not mean he cannot do it all just fine.

Good Day

2009-06-07T14:00:00.001-07:00

You know it's a good day when you find a pair of shoes you've been eyeing forever for 1/5 of their normal price at a discount store.

For those who may not know (read: everyone), I am obsessed with the quest for the perfect shoes. I'm on my feet a lot, have horrible joints, and generally resign myself to the idea of wearing tennis shoes with dress pants if I'm ever going to live to the age of 50 without a hip replacement. Enter Cole Haan, which has teamed up with Nike to make some heels. Like the bastard child of comfort and beauty, they are a fabulous pair of shoes that look like your typical high heel, but feel like a running shoe when you put them on. Seriously, this was a pair of shoes I was planning on splurging on when I got my first "real-life" paycheck after I graduate from grad school and have a real job--and rather than paying the upwards of almost $300 they're charging at the department store, I paid $50. I think I'll wear them around for the rest of forever.

In which I catch up on the past weeks

2009-06-05T15:09:00.001-07:00

Wow, I haven't written since when?? Oops. Things got uber-busy the past few weeks.

The drug test situation ended up working out fine, as I knew in my heart of hearts it would--D got hold of the office, spoke with the appropriate people, and got it rescheduled for a day when he is normally able to leave work early with no problems. I took away from this situation a deeper realization of my need to trust my HP and leave D's stuff for D to worry about. Which is nice, because when I have such realizations, I usually do a lot better not only in those scenarios, but in others as well. Right now I'm focusing more on communication (my biggest weakness) and spirituality--making meditation time more of a priority. Recovery is going well, and a beautiful thing. I think one of the greatest gifts I have taken from my recovery thus far is the fact that there are still very rough times (see previous posts)--but they seem to pass so much more quickly now, rather than being a source of obsessive worry for so long. It's easier now to remind myself that the hard times will pass just as the good ones do.

The reason for the lack of posting has been that my littlest sibling graduated from high school a week (or so) ago, and I was called in to help support the family in all of the craziness that accompanied the final week--including, but not limited to: awards day, awards night, other sibling's other graduation from tech school, littlest sibling's birthday, graduation, and graduation party. Then, the day after all that finally wrapped up, I started my internship and have been busy with that all week this week. Good news: I love the job so far. I was nervous at first, unsure of my exact responsibility and requirements, but now things are feeling very natural and I feel like I'm doing a good job. I'm learning a lot, and I enjoy my days (which fly by!)--it's nice to experience the feeling of something being right, being something I was meant to do. I feel empowered when I come home each day, and I can't wait to actually work in this field in another short while. I'm also able to get up when D does, which gives me extra time to get ready, relax, eat breakfast, meditate, etc. before leaving, which makes me feel more balanced overall, and I get home at a decent hour with time to spend on my own and with D in the evening.

Wishing you all a happy weekend and a positive start to the summer!

Fear and Letting Go

2009-05-26T07:57:00.001-07:00

I've felt much better the past couple of days--we got home very late on Sunday ad things worked out where D didn't have to come pick me up from the airport, which alleviated a great deal of stress. I'm still dealing with some residual fear about the fact that he has not yet reached his PO to discuss the "mandatory" drug test that is supposed to take place Wednesday, but to which he cannot go because, since Monday was a holiday, his company will not let anyone leave early any day this week. This whole situation is scary because if he can't get hold of the office today, and he cannot go to the appointment tomorrow, I worry that they will consider him in violation of his probation, when for the past 9 months he has so perfectly followed every minute detail of his terms.

And yet as I sit here thinking about it and allowing myself to wallow in fear and doubt and trepidation about the future, I realize that I am focusing solely on him and what is going on with his recovery and how he will deal with this situation and wanting to check in and make sure he has called the office this morning--etc. I made a promise to myself, back when I really got serious about my own recovery, that I would stop that. That I would focus on me. That I would let go of the things I couldn't control. This is certainly something I can't control, but all this weekend that thought alone has been unsatisfying. This morning, however, a stopover at MPJ's blog led to some insight about some of the other meanings of the oft-repeated recovery phrase, "Let go and Let God." I think the one she described that hit home the most for me was, "Let go of fear and let God soothe." I cannot control this situation, but that very fact only makes me more afraid of it. What I need to do today is let go of this fear and allow God to take care of not only the situation, but also of me.

Frustration

2009-05-22T19:59:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in a hotel room in a tiny, tiny town far away from home--and far away from anything, awaiting my cousin's wedding tomorrow. Some of the family is here or arriving tomorrow, but I am on my own tonight because D could not come along and my mom and sister do not arrive until tomorrow. The place we are all staying is very small and has frustratingly little to do or see. I am tired, out of my normal time zone, my joints ache from the plane ride and I am annoyed that I was essentially forced into coming here and stewing in anger and frustration at the whole scenario.

Add to this the fact that late Thursday evening my mother sprung on me the idea that D would need to pick me up from the airport on Sunday when we return because she' not sure everyone's luggage will fit in her car on the way home. Not that this seems like a big deal, except that the airport we flew through is in a neighboring state, and D is not allowed to cross state lines without permission from his PO. Which left him Friday to try to call and get hold of someone to give him permission. No one returned his call, and now I am even more angry and frustrated because of all the poor planning that now leads to an incredibly difficult situation--the decision of either a) coming up with some story about why D can't pick me up and either forcing my family to cram us and our luggage into one car against their wishes, b) coming up with a story and trying to find a friend to pick me up, or c) having D technically break his probation and then call first thing Tuesday morning to explain and "get permission."

Oh--also, D randomly got a letter in the mail on Thursday evening informing him of a mandatory drug test with his probation department (which is 2 hours away from our home) the following Wednesday--a test that was in no way mentioned by the PO at the last meeting (in which he was very congenial and simply said he'd see us in a month) and a test that falls on a day that the PO knows full well that D cannot ask off work without two weeks' notice. While random drug/alcohol screens are not outside the realm of possibility for the terms of his probation, he has not had to have one except the initial test they gave when he began this process 9 1/2 months ago, so it is doubly frustrating to have them pull this now, in a week where he cannot ask off work (because of the holiday weekend) and when there is no one answering the phone until the day before he is supposed to show up (and, if history repeats itself, no one will probably answer Tuesday either unless he calls multiple times, which is difficult to do at work).

As though I wasn't stressed about this trip already. Now I am a giant ball of AAGGGGHHHHH!!!!! waiting to escape.

I am trying to keep a positive attitude. I know that these things are--all of them--beyond my control. I know that nothing I can do will change things, and that they will work out one way or the other. I know that focusing on everything that seems to be going wrong only makes it worse and I know that I tend to blow little problems majorly out of proportion. I know these things intellectually, but I cannot seem to find a way to commit them to myself in a real way. I am going to bed recounting to myself the good things that I have going right now, thanking my HP for them, and asking for help for tomorrow--and hopefully, when I wake up in the morning, HP will have worked some magic...because that's what it feels like it will take for me to warp out of this funk.

Out of Town

2009-05-20T07:05:00.000-07:00

I am going out of town this weekend for a wedding. I'll be leaving Friday, coming home Sunday. I don't really want to go, because D can't go with, but it's a family thing and I essentially don't have the choice. Setting boundaries is hardest with my family.

If it was just the wedding, I honestly don't mind going. I mean, I hate to be somewhere with music and dancing and have no one to dance with, but I can handle that part. The main reason I don't want to go is because it leaves D alone for the entire weekend, which is a huge trigger for him. When he gets lonely, angry, frustrated, tired, and feels powerless in a situation--these are his biggest triggers, and each of them will be exacerbated by this trip. He feels angry and frustrated that I was basically made to go and did not stand up for myself better, but powerless because there is nothing he can do to change it. And of course, without me there, he will probably be lonely and of course there will be times when he is tired. It's just one big ball of triggers. And so I am scared that I will leave and he will not set up enough activities or things to do to prevent something from happening. I know that he has plans for Saturday--he works that morning, and has a friend's graduation party to attend in the afternoon. But I'm still scared. I am trying desperately to let go of my fear and repeating to myself over and over that I cannot control what happens to him, but as of now it's not helping much.

I see the progress he has made, hear him talk to his PO about making changes to his underlying thought processes rather than just stopping behaviors, and I feel encouraged. It's just that it will be so easy to pick up the phone on Saturday night or Sunday afternoon and find an old number to text or call--and so my brain is running rampant with the theoretical possibilities, even as I try to convince it that theory is not reality.

El Fin

2009-05-08T15:52:00.000-07:00

Is anyone else out there a Scrubs fan? Anyone watch the finale the other night?

I finally watched it last night, and it was so perfectly beautiful. Just wanted to see if anyone else was an emotional wreck about it along with me. :-)

Rearranging

2009-05-04T08:08:00.001-07:00

My mom purchased some new living room furniture recently and had it delivered this past Saturday, which meant that D and I "inherited" a new couch, recliner, and chest. They were all welcome additions, as our living room was woefully lacking in seating, and now our sunroom has a place to sit as well. With the new additions, however, we also found the motivation to rearrange our living room furniture and put up the sunroom decorations that have been languishing in storage since we bought this house a year ago. We both commented on how much more "homey" our house feels now--more inviting and real, rather than continuing to look like a randomly-arranged college apartment.

We celebrated by having a few good friends over and grilling out so as to utilize the porch and sunroom, playing board games, and watching a movie. It was the first weekend since D started his new job (which means it was the first weekend in almost a year that he was actually home both days of the weekend), and it was a wonderful way to kick it off. We both looked at each other when everyone left and pointed out that this was the kind of weekend we envisioned when we bought a house.

It's strange the things that make me feel satisfied and accomplished in life, but if a little rearranged hand-me-down furniture does the trick, I'll take it and smile.

Super Spy

2009-04-29T04:12:00.001-07:00

Today is one of those days when I have to remind myself how much happier I am when I don't try to control everyone's life. Some days it comes so much easier than others and unfortunately I don't think I get an easy day today.

I don't know what made me do it, because I wasn't feeling suspicious or angry or really anything at all the other night, but a couple nights ago I did the old codie-check of D's phone and found a couple of texts he'd sent to a (girl) friend discussing a trip she wanted to take to France to go mountain biking. Nothing strange or odd--I know this girl, she's a very old friend of D's, and this is something she'd want to do. Until the one where he said something about the beaches being awkward. And then she replied that nude beaches were gross. And then he said something about topless ones not being so bad but old men in speedos being gross. (Cue freakout here.)

I confronted him about it immediately, and pretty calmly too actually. I just asked him what was up with it, showed him the message. He said that it wasn't anything, that he had just been joking with her about the gross old men in speedos, hadn't meant anything by anything. I asked him about it again this morning because it's been niggling around in the back of my head and bugging me since then, wondering if he really, really could have said something like that without even one iota of him meaning it in a suggestive way. He still claims it was nothing. I still don't feel satisfied. Maybe he really was just saying that it wouldn't be bad for her, as a girl. Maybe it was just a harmless joke and I'm overreacting. But I don't know, and that's the rub. Now I'm struggling with the fine line between maintaining my boundaries and not trying to control him and his recovery.

I need to just learn to quit with the super-spy work.

Perfection

2009-04-24T13:55:00.000-07:00

My online COSA group has lately been having a lot of meetings that center on perfection--talking about the fact that many in the groups are perfectionists to the extent that it hurts us, causes us to pick apart our every waking moment and find all that is wrong with it, then feel ashamed that we aren't doing better. Couldn't sum me up much better--I am a total perfectionist, and it has often brought me to really bad places when I turn that magnifying glass on myself.

In conjunction with the perfection topic, another recent meeting focused on something similar, but far more difficult--loving ourselves. Rethinking "perfection" as accepting who we are and where we are right now. And in a recent meeting this spread into a topic of listing 5 things you liked about yourself. Now for me, the ultimate perfectionist, I have an incredibly easy time telling you every single thing that's wrong with me--my flaws, imperfections, problems, qualities I lack. Coming up with 5 things I like was actually more of a challenge than I thought it would be...but here they are.

I love my eyes. I love their color, their depth, and I think they really are (more than for others) a window to my soul.
I love my intelligence and the places it's taking me.
I love my athleticism and the fact that I can still do a lot of my old moves.
I love the attitude I get when I dress up in heels and mascara and walk confidently into a room--for whatever reason.
I love the part of me that is developing into a more confident and content person.

It is so warm today that I'm not going to waste one more minute sitting inside on a computer--heading out to the deck for some sunshine. Happy Friday, everyone!

Not waiting any more...

2009-04-22T13:29:00.000-07:00

HE GOT THE JOB!!!!!

YAY!!!!!

Seriously, so excited. We both are. Thanks for all your prayers, good thoughts, and crossed fingers.

Waiting

2009-04-22T12:16:00.000-07:00

We are waiting today to find out if D will get the promotion he interviewed for yesterday. Every time the phone rings both of us are jumpy. This is his third shot since February, and he is nervous because the past two times he has been told that he had the best qualifications, the best interview, but he was not offered the position. Each time this has happened, my heart breaks for him because he is trying so hard--it's one of the most significantly noticable changes that have taken place in him since he started recovery. He is on time, motivated, hard working, and brilliantly creative--and has turned each previous rejection into a way for him to improve so that he has a better shot next time. I know that things will work out the way they are meant to, but I can't help but hope that this is his shot--not only for us (because we could use the extra money) but for him--to give him a sense that all this hard work is not for nothing.

Grateful Today

2009-04-17T10:21:00.000-07:00

I read an e-mail from my online COSA group last night that outlined the topic of an upcoming meeting. The discussion was going to be based on staying in the moment and appreciating the present for what it is, even if we are unsatisfied--to be at peace with the idea that at every moment, we are exactly where we need to be right then.

I have for a long time had issues with this concept--I am, at my heart, a planner. I plan things in my head eons in advance and have been known amongst certain circles as a "list goddess." My life has been meticulously crafted in these lists and plans and ideas for as long as I can remember. I would sit in high school making lists of all the colleges I was applying to and all the scholarships I needed to finish and what homework was due on what day. In college, I made lists of volunteer work that I had done and research projects that I was pursuing in order to apply to graduate school. When I planned my wedding, I had lists on lists on lists of everything--caterer's options, things to be done that week, guests, gifts, thank you notes written, appointments. Even now, I have a plan for pretty much exactly what will happen to me as I journey through grad school, what steps need to be taken in which years in order to apply for positions at the end. I plan for "what will I do on Saturday" with as much voracity as I worry about "what will happen to D and I in the future." I didn't really think about it until yesterday, but I tend to live in the future. A lot.

Today, I am grateful for the opportunity to wake up a little and enjoy exactly where I am. I have so much to be grateful for right here, right now, after all. Today, I am in a good place. I am working on myself and seeing progress. I spoke up last night about my feelings without beating around the bush and D and I had a legitimate dialogue that left us both satisfied, so I am grateful for where I am, and where we are in our recovery as a couple. D is sober and happy. The sun has finally come out and warm weather looks like it is here to stay. I am working away like the good little research assistant I am, and I am deeply, deeply satisfied with my work. Every day that I pursue this career I am more sure of its rightness for me. I feel with utmost conviction that that e-mail was right--with no worries about what tomorrow has in store, I am, right now, exactly where I need to be.

Request

2009-04-14T16:03:00.001-07:00

As of today, D has the opportunity to "throw" for a promotion within his company. He has applied for, interviewed for, and been rejected for such a promotion twice now. He is more optimistic about his chances for this one because the manager for this particular department knows him, they get along well, and she has spoken very highly of him in the past.

The past two promotions he applied for seemed perfect fits--down to the fact that at the first one, the manager wanted D to take "admin days" every Thursday where he would be able to leave early. This was incredibly advantageous because Thursday is the day when, each week, D goes to his counseling class and (every other week) his PO appointments. His current job allows him to customize his schedule and work weekend days in exchange for Thursdays. This promotion, however, may not allow him to take off Thursdays. He's pretty sure that going to his specific class on Thursday is a non-negotiable part of his probation, and so he is discouraged that he may not be able to take a position that could be offered, thus black-listing himself for future promotions in the company. He has decided to speak to the manager about the possibility before interviewing, but I know he is still worried (and I am, too) about all the possible negative outcomes. And so, we are praying for the positives and the peace to accept whatever comes, but I would ask that anyone out there send their prayers, positive thoughts, good karma, etc. his way (our way), because letting go of the future is still one of the hardest things to do.

Looking for Reasons

2009-04-14T13:13:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling suspicious the last couple of days. It's not because of anything that's happened, necessarily, it's just there. I've been trying to be introspective and figure out what feelings are behind this, but I'm having trouble, so of course I turn to writing to see if there's anything lurking in my brain that my subconscious is hiding from me but that my fingers might unwittingly be aware of.

Part of it, I think, is that things have been going well lately. Yes, you read that right, but remember I'm a crazy person--I think part of the discomfort I'm feeling is because I am not used to things going this well for this long without something being hidden beneath the surface, making it all a farce. If things feel good, there must be something terribly wrong going on that I just haven't brought to light yet. I don't know if this is true or not, but I think my brain almost doesn't know what to do without some form of upheaval or tension brewing. The sad thing is that I don't think anything sinister is happening, but I am having to use everything in my power to prevent myself from completely backsliding. I've been checking the e-mail more, recently. It makes me uncomfortable because I know that I will always find something if I look hard enough, even if nothing is there at all. The one good thing is that I've kept myself from checking the phone records, which are my biggest and baddest trigger.

I pray every morning and every night for help to let go, but in between my brain and my codie self remind me that if I am keeping on top of things and making sure D's recovery goes well, then no one else will and it will fail and things will spiral out of control and back into madness. Except it doesn't work that way--and the rational part of me remembers how poorly things go when I try to control everything. And so I take to simply repeating my newfound mantras in my head, over and over, until the fears and suspicions and compulsions are drowned out or go away--there are no what ifs, I cannot control others, I am a strong and valid person. Now if I could just convince myself it was all true, I'd be golden.

Back from the asylum

2009-04-05T19:28:00.000-07:00

And...another exam week has come and gone. Thank God that one's over. This was possibly the roughest two weeks of my graduate career--I studied more information in more detail and longer than I think I ever have, and it culminated with eight hours of exams on Friday. I have never in my life been physically tired from a test, even from the hardest ones--but yesterday and today I have slept like my life depended on it. Now I feel refreshed and--if not quite ready to go back to classes--at least no longer completely depressed about the idea of arriving nice and early tomorrow.

In between the long (and much needed) episodes of sleep, the weekend has managed to be extremely fun and productive. My school had a party for the graduate students after our exams Friday night, and D and I were both able to go and dance and enjoy ourselves for a bit. It was so pleasant--events like this are not D's thing, and in the past whenever I'd ask him to go he would agree but then (often) make my night completely unenjoyable because he clearly did not want to be there. He would purposely make us late, be visibly annoyed or upset, and I would inevitably let it ruin my evening. Friday night I was determined to utilize some of the tools I'm learning in recovery and have a good night for myself no matter what he did/said/felt/looked like. Keeping his mood from affecting mine, as it were, which is a big project for me right now. As it turned out, the evening was wonderful. I had a great time with my colleagues and enjoyed the night for myself. While D probably wasn't the most thrilled person in the world to be dressed up and introduced to dozens of people in a loud room, he was polite and enthusiastic and lovely, and the best part was I think I would have enjoyed myself even if he weren't (though it was certainly an added bonus).

Yesterday I took advantage of my study-free day and found some new professional-wear for my internship this summer (what I had was beginning to get too small or had moth holes). It's amazing what a good pencil skirt and heels can do for my mood. Tomorrow it's back to the grindstone, but for now I'm just going to sit back and enjoy my momentarily un-scheduled life.

2009-03-30T04:47:00.001-07:00

An interesting situation arose for us on Saturday night. We went out with friends, had a lovely dinner and watched a movie at someone's home, enjoying the company and some homemade wine. Afterward, we ended up having to drive one of D's closest friends home because he'd had too much. I normally wouldn't have thought much of this--we've all been there at one point or another, and sometimes time gets away from you. However, there were several things said on the drive home that led both D and I to believe that our good friend V may be (or may be becoming) an alcoholic. D spent a great deal of the drive talking to V, and ended up trying to give some general advice without specifically mentioning addiction. As I sat in the backseat, it was more than a little uncomfortable to see D in a position I am all too familiar with--the helper/savior/friend who tries to reason an addict out of addictive behavior. Honestly, he did a pretty good job dealing with the situation, but it was incredibly hard for me not to just step in and scream that nothing he was saying would do any good if V doesn't want to stop drinking for himself. I asked D later to be careful--because I'd been there. I know now that helping is not always possible. And I don't want to see D get burned. And then I remembered the things I've been working on, and took a step back.

And so I sit back and remember that it's not my job to control anyone's behavior--D's with regard to SA, V's with regard to alcohol, or even D's with regard to helping/codependence. I'm finding more strength every day in working my own recovery, and so whatever happens to my friend I leave to my (and his) higher power (but any prayer/good thoughts/karma you might have to send his way would, of course, be appreciated).

Rain

2009-03-27T12:16:00.000-07:00

It's raining here. It started a couple of days ago and is supposed to continue through the weekend, with more due later next week. It feels so good. I told a good friend the other day how excited I was that it was raining, and she looked at me like I was nuts. "But you hate rain!" she exclaimed.

That's not entirely true--I only hate rain sometimes. There's such a difference, you see, between winter rain and summer rain. This is the first good summer rain we've had this season. Winter rain is a slap in the face, the exclamation point at the end of the nasty weather sentence. I hate rain in the winter because I hate the cold. When it's cold, rain only makes it colder. It makes it impossible to ever get warm. You walk around outside for even a minute and your pants are soaked and it would take an inferno to get you thawed out. Rain in the winter also freezes and makes it hard to get anywhere. It's sinister, malevolent, and reminds me (who loves the heat) just how far I am from feeling comfortable and cozy and happy.

Summer rain is a different beast. I love summer. I love the heat and the long days and the flowers and the smell of cut grass. I love the beach and the pool, grilling out and stopping for ice cream. I even love the rain. Rain in the summer is fresh--it has purpose and potential, renewing the landscape and relieving the awful burden of heat and drought. Rain in the summer feels like relief. In the winter, rain makes everything so gray--in the summer and spring it seems to only make the greens even greener, colors brighter against the darker backdrop. It is benevolent and reminds me to slow down and just listen to the drops. It feels good as it splashes on my bare legs and flip-flops. It makes me feel alive.

This week has been the first summer rain of this season. Things are automatically turning greener, and that fabulous smell that just says "spring" is in the air. I can pop open my umbrella without shivering and there is so much potential in the air for the summer that it feels like the clouds are going to explode with it. It's a good, clean, content feeling.

I always feel my best in the summer. For this one, my plans are set and I feel like I'm moving forward in a lot of good ways. This year especially I am more than ready.

Summer

2009-03-24T06:00:00.001-07:00

Just wanted to post that I got the internship I was hoping for for this summer! I'm very, very excited...I would post more details but just about anything I say about it would probably be unwise for anonymity's sake. Let's just say I'll be getting a lot of hands-on experience for my future career much earlier than I usually would and working with some really awesome people.

Hooray!

Taking Action

2009-03-23T08:18:00.000-07:00

After my last post, I decided it was time to get my butt into gear and stop sitting around worrying about all my problems and actually do something about them. I went through my old e-mails and realized just how long it had been since I'd attended an online meeting. Reading through all of the "topic" emails, I realized how much even just reading those little topics gives me something to focus on and work toward for a week. I also signed onto the JWC for the first time in a long while, and it was like fate was waiting for me. A long time ago, several people on the SA Codies board had been discussing starting a group and working through the Recovery Nation program together. I had been interested, but in the absence of my computer and my general lack of participation over the past few months, I had all but forgotten about it. When I signed in, there was an invitation just waiting for me. I decided to give it a shot, and so far I've worked through the first couple of exercises. I think this is going to be an incredibly good thing for me--just reading through the introduction to the partner's program got me really excited, mainly because it felt like it was literally written for me and my situation and my very own personal issues.

The exercise the group is currently working on is a simple one, but far more difficult than I initially thought it would be. The idea is to create a vision for your life, in any aspects that you can imagine. To sit back and picture what values you used to have that drove your life and how you want to use those values in the future, how you want to put little things into practice to make your life the life you want. I've written a lot down about it, but keep going back and revising as I think more about who I am and what I want. It's the most liberating feeling--ever since D and I both started down this recovery road, I've been focusing on and off (or rather, trying to focus on, then forgetting, slipping, etc. and then trying to remember to focus) on the idea of "what I want." As the world's biggest people pleaser, this has never been easy, but writing it out this way is pretty empowering. It makes me feel much more directed and motivated and ready to tackle myself again.

Two Steps Back

2009-03-20T07:45:00.000-07:00

Ugh. Here we are again. D had a PO appointment yesterday and I drove along, being on spring break and all. Usually when I go, I look at it as a rare opportunity to spend some quality time together in the car since it essentially takes all day, between driving to the PO's office (which is about 2 hours away from where we live now), then driving to his counseling class (which is an hour away from there), then home. Normally I rush out of class, skipping lectures sometimes to get home in time to leave with him. Yesterday, I was almost sick at the thought of going.

I'm not sure why I was so upset about it--maybe because the past several times I've gone, I've convinced myself that there's just no way I have time to go in to the meeting with D. I tell him each time that I'll have to use that time to study. Usually, he asks me to go in with him once we arrive and by then I accede, knowing that he values the support so much. The PO likes me, and likes when I come because he sees it as proof that D is establishing a support system and being held to honesty about what's happened in his past week, proof that we are tackling this problem together rather than (like on the last go-round) D just skipping along without tackling his problems at all. So I usually go in, but I don't usually think about it until right at the moment when it comes time to go in. I think that makes it easier because then I don't have time to concentrate so much on the fears--fear of being seen in the courthouse of my old city by someone who knows me, fear of the judgment that I'm sure people in the probation office make of me (the crazy wife who stayed with the sex addict, what an idiot/mental case she must be), fear of D being judged too harshly. Yesterday I was feeling all of those fears from the get-go.

D knew something was up because I cannot hide my feelings well. For once, I was up front about my feelings, but that of course upset him because he was actually feeling really good about the day, with nothing negative to report to the PO. We talked most of the way to the meeting about how lately I've just been feeling myself slip a little bit at a time. In general, things have been going really well--I'm on break, I feel refreshed and happy, life is good--but in between those things I have been cracking a bit. I have been negative, angry, reactive, and I have been falling back into that place where my worries and insecurities control me and I in turn become a control freak. The insecurities have been hanging on my back whispering sweet-nothings in my ear for a month or two now, and for the most part I've been ignoring their presence but it's building and getting harder. I've gotten frustrated with the lack of progress that's been going on for me--especially in light of D, who seems to be the model of progress lately. It's obvious that he has a new outlook on life, that his reactions and thought processes have legitimately changed from his old way of thinking. For a while, I felt that that was also true for me, but lately it's just been one step forward, two steps back.

He encouraged me to think positively, like he'd been trying to do. He gave some examples of things that have helped him change his thought processes. He saw into the heart of the problem and encouraged me to let go of all the fears that I live in daily and just live. I listened--but yet here I sit today feeling better but still not better. And I know that all of this craziness is really making life worse for me and for D, because it's starting to get to the point where I'm just acting out again, trying to control everyone and everything around me and freaking out if any tiny thing upsets the perfect balance of what I've put in place. I've tried praying, meditating, asking my higher power to help me let go of all this and find some means of crawling my way back to the peace I had a pretty good hand on a while back, but then the horrible negative thoughts creep their way back into my brain and here I am. I'm going to try going back to my online COSA meetings, which I'd been neglecting for a while because of workload, but maybe that's what I need to get myself straight again. At the very least, it can't hurt.

Picture-rama

2009-03-18T10:47:00.000-07:00

One of the greatest joys I've found in having some financial stability again is that I have a little extra money to pursue one of my all-time favorite hobbies--scrapbooking. I used to scrapbook like crazy In high school, I documented everything in pictures and spent oodles of cash at the local scrapbook store finding the perfect papers and stickers and cutouts. In college, I didn't have the time or money to really keep up with it anymore, and so my lovely little "University" scrapbook has sat empty for nigh on these many years. I have pictures from a trip to Europe several years ago that have languished on my computer along with shots from my wedding, honeymoon, family vacations, and random nights out. When my computer died a few weeks ago and the retrieval of my hard-drive's contents was unsure, I felt almost sick about all this--that I might lose all these precious pictures that were the tactile reminders of happy memories, never having had the chance to print them and document them appropriately. When the hard drive was saved, I promised that one of the first things I would do when we got our tax refund was to start printing pictures.

It's now spring break, we have our money, and I have my computer back. A few days ago, I sat with my external hard drive where things were backed up and transferred over 4,000 pictures back to my mac. When iPhoto opened, each picture flashed in front of me from a split second as they loaded, and it was a surreal experience--my life, quite literally flashing before my eyes. And as I watched each moment go by, I thought about how if life really does flash before your eyes when you die, that I would be ok if it looked like this, with all of these pictures--my little sister smiling on her graduation day, me in front of the Trevi fountain, my former teammates laughing, my entire family crammed together for an impromptu beach shot, the close-ups of stupid-happy giddy smiles that mark self-portrait pictures taken the moment after D and I got engaged, my first view of the flowers on my wedding day, our first dance, our honeymoon hikes, my dog and parents and grandparents and family and friends. Christmases, vacations, school. All of them happy. All of them smiling.

Sometimes it's so easy to get bogged down in a dreary moment, or day, or week. There are times I let myself get so hung up on the little (or big) things that just aren't going right that it's hard to see the big picture. But the big picture is really just a series of small ones--all those happy moments that remind me that even in the darkest of days my life has been pretty darn amazing so far and stands to continue in that direction if I just relax and let it happen and find the picture-perfect memories still interwoven with everything else.

GiST

2009-03-16T07:03:00.000-07:00

1. Spending an entire day yesterday with D, in which neither of us had to study/work/be anywhere or do anything other than what we came up with on the spot.

2. Ending that day with a fabulous talk in bed, in which we candidly discussed the good things in our lives, and encouraged each other with ideas to deal with the bad ones.

3. A new best friend who balances out my insecurities perfectly and helps me feel brave enough to overcome them.

4. A week off and an all-day shopping spree.

5. Government money that has paid off our car and credit card debt.

I feel refreshed today, and I think it's partially because it's Spring Break, but also from a bunch of other things. A friend looked at me on Saturday and pointed out that he could tell I was on break, because I was happy. He could tell I was not worrying about the next study session or test or whatnot. I guess sometimes you don't realize just how stressed you are until you aren't. As a result, I'm going to fully indulge in these few days off and plan out some fun activities for the next few weeks (especially now that it's legitimately becoming spring!) to help stave off that level of stress from creeping up on me again.

Tulips.

2009-03-09T13:04:00.000-07:00

I have become re-obsessed with decorating. There are so many things I want to do to make my house look "finished"--most of them small, but all the small things seem to add up pretty quickly into a lot. But yesterday, after I cleaned up the place, I ran to the grocery store to pick up a couple of things, and they had bouquets of tulips on sale for $5. I bought a bouquet of orange ones, and they are now enshrined in the middle of my kitchen table, and they make me happier than should probably be allowed.

Maybe it's just that spring is finally here. :-)

Getting Fit

2009-03-07T09:37:00.001-08:00

One of the myriad things that happened in my last months hiatus was my acquisition (finally!) of a Wii Fit, thanks to a dear friend who was insane enough to be driving around out in the middle of the ice storm about a month ago. I didn't write about it then, because as soon as he retrieved it for me, our Wii up and died. So it had to get sent off and fixed and now is back, and so I finally got to try out the Wii fit for the first time a couple of nights ago. Let me tell you folks, I consider myself to be a pretty in-shape person--I was an athlete all growing up and, while I haven't exactly been religious about it since I began graduate school, have been at least relatively attentive to my staying-in-shape needs. So let it come as no small thing when I say I was in significant pain the day after my first little twenty minute workout.

The thing is, it didn't feel like I even did anything! Ten reps each of some strengthening exercises, two cardio drills and as much yoga as I could do (you have to unlock a lot of things in the game before you have access to an entire workout). When I finished, I even thought it had been too easy, that I wasn't going to get as much out of this as I thought. Clearly, I was wrong. Apparently the whole stress on balance and center of gravity and core strength worked my body in ways I was not only unused to, but completely unprepared for.

Final review: If you, like me, have little time and money to get to a gym, I highly, highly recommend Wii Fit--just don't go into it all naive like I did, lest you not be able to move the next day.

Job Interviews

2009-03-06T20:51:00.000-08:00

I just realized it's now been over a month since I've written. I guess you could say that's a good thing, since generally my desire to write stems from my desire to work out problems that are too big to deal with in my head. In fact, I'd say it's been quite a good thing that I haven't had one of those oh-my-god-i-can't-think-so-angry/sad/frustrated/whatever-have-to-vent-somewhere kind of days in a long while. Maybe this whole working on myself thing is actually....well, you know, working.

We've been through a fair number of ups and downs in the past month. Things have, overall, been going very well, with the downs coming from two job interviews D has had. Both interviews were for promotions at his current employer, which, according to all of his bosses, he was the best candidate for. When he interviewed for the first position, he was thrilled with his interview performance and relatively sure that he would be a top choice. When the interviewers called the next day, they informed him that he had had the best interview, the best ideas, he was the most prepared and enthusiastic and qualified--but he was number two. The winner, instead, was a candidate considered by many to be the least qualified of the bunch in the area of management skill, but the most qualified in terms of hair color and southern drawl and bust size. (Sorry, I sound bitchy. I'm trying desperately to get over it.) D was understandably frustrated but actually took the whole thing with far more grace than I expected--far more than I exhibited, in any case--and moved on to the next opportunity. This time, another candidate from out-of-state with far more experience surprisingly applied and experience won out.

All of this has indeed been frustrating, but it's also brought some interesting factors to light. Throughout the whole process, D has been gracious and accepting and positive, more so than I would have ever imagined. I, on the other hand, have been ungracious, upset, and angry (though not necessarily to his face). And I realized, thinking about my unnecessary anger in the face of D's all-around Zen attitude, that this is just another little aspect of my control freak trying to ooze her way back out through the cracks. Here I thought I was doing really well and making strides in my efforts to accept the things I can't change, and this whole job scenario just goes to show that I am still just trudging along. I get upset, you see, because I want to shelter him from feeling upset. I hate when other people are upset--and I've always, always seen it as my personal duty to bring them back to a happy place. I have worked to focus on my own feelings when others are out of whack, but I cannot bear to see them disappointed, and so I try to take ownership of something that was never my problem. I can certainly empathize with my husband and do what I can in terms of support, but I think I've gone beyond that now and am currently reaching into the realms of codie mind tricks. So now I'm just trying to reconcile to myself the fact that things will not always go perfectly, for me or D or anybody else for that matter, but when those things are not of my own doing then they are not my responsibility to fix. I can't change the interview selection. I can't even go yell at the idiots doing the selecting because that won't do any good. I just have to accept that it's not my battle and keep working on doing what I can do to find happiness no matter what idiocy goes on around me.

Snowed In

2009-01-30T18:19:00.000-08:00

We've been living through the craziest winter storm in my living memory for the past several days. Snow, ice, more snow. Thousands of people still don't have power 3 days after it went out--it's too cold for that. I thank God more every day that we bought a house on a major street that gets turned on first. School has been cancelled since Tuesday, but we're of course still responsible for all the material, so we've all essentially been studying like nutcases on our own all week, going crazy from the cabin fever and white nothingness outside our doors. My dog doesn't even like going outside right now--the fluffy snow doesn't bother her, but she falls through the ice and slides. There are trees down everywhere.

All this combined has put me in a rough mood for the past few days. I was just cranky and irritable and suspicious and all-around nasty sometimes. That's when I thank God that even when I have terrible slips in attitude, D shows how much progress he's making by sitting down and talking it out with me, letting me be upset for no reason and patiently reasoning with me that we both need to step back and be more positive again. So this morning I tried going back to my routine of prayer/meditation when I get up in the morning, and oh what a difference it has made today. It's like the person I was for the past couple of days had forgotten the person I had been learning to be before that. It's nice to relax a little more again and just do what I need to do--which, today, was get out of the house and do some shopping with my mom. Tomorrow, going out for sushi with some friends.

GiST:

Today, I am grateful for my higher power for helping me get back on track, and for keeping me motivated to study all week rather than getting to next week and being completely overwhelmed with all the catching up that will have to be done.

Grace in the Biggest of Small Things

2009-01-23T09:53:00.000-08:00

Just one today, because it feels like the weather...impossibly sunny and warm in the midst of the cold and dark.

1. Yesterday, at D's PO appointment, he turned to me completely unprompted and apologized for the disrespect he'd shown me with all of his crazy lies over the years, for insulting my intelligence by insinuating that I was stupid enough to believe them all.

I cried.

I think that counts for five.

Grace in Small Things

2009-01-18T08:31:00.000-08:00

One of the other blogs I read recently had a post entitled "Grace in Small Things." She had actually gotten the idea from someone else, I believe, but the idea is this: to post, every day for 365 days, 5 small things that have graced her life that day or any day. Trying to keep my life more positive and all, I loved the idea immediately. I sincerely doubt I'll do it every day for 365, but it still seems like a good exercise. So here are my 5 graces for the day.

1. Good friends who, like me, are content to spend an evening playing ridiculous games of Monopoly, laughing and talking and getting to know each other better.

2. Weekend days of sleeping in and lounging around in bed.

3. Interesting classes that reaffirm my love for my career.

4. Exceedingly warm, soft fuzzy sweaters.

5. Good books that come back to me like old friends every time.

Talk

2009-01-18T07:46:00.000-08:00

I did it. We talked. And it went far, far better than I expected. We actually used dialogue and "I" statements and came to a mutually satisfying conclusion. That, in and of itself, is a huge thing, a testament to the little bit of progress we've been making. I feel more empowered to voice my mind, and I think D feels more comfortable with the level of honesty we need and are trying to use. Now, on to the next day, and continuing to work on me and my responses so that next time, I can put the things we talked about into action.

Rough Day

2009-01-16T13:08:00.000-08:00

Today was tough, recovery-wise. The past few weeks have been, as I wrote before, exceedingly peaceful around here. I had felt very much on an even plane and could see small improvements in myself. Today I had a rough time keeping all of that up. It started last night--I couldn't go with D to his weekly counseling class. On the Thursdays that I drive along, we tend to have good, productive talk time. It's almost like being in the car for the hour it takes to get there gives us license to discuss the things we keep at bay around our home--how recovery is going, but also just generally what is happening in our lives that we have been too busy or unable to share. I find that time to be very therapeutic, because often one of my greatest problems in this relationship has been my inability to express when I am having trouble. I find it difficult to share when I am upset about something or annoyed or frustrated, mainly because (in true codie fashion) I am afraid of making other people upset. I don't like to bring up my anger because I don't want others to be angry. With D, this has expanded over the years into not wanting to bring up "tough subjects" because I worry that talking about them will upset him, and I don't want him to be angry or upset with me.

Last night, when D was done with class, he did not talk about how things had gone. Short, cursory answers only--they had discussed "dangerous situations." No more, no less of a discussion, change of subject. Knowing how we normally talk, I started worrying. Worrying that the class had been difficult for him. Worrying that he was putting himself in dangerous situations but might not be sharing that. Worrying about the fact that he has been talking on the phone and texting more with people lately. Worrying about what else might be going on. Within 5 minutes, I was in full out crazy mode--checking the phone bills, figuring out how to handle the situation, stressing over the fact that he hadn't been to a meeting in a while...the works. The rational voice in the back of my head pleaded for me to just let it go. It was probably nothing. It's not my job to play police, nor is it my job to force recovery to happen. But the crazy person had taken over. I managed to get calmed down enough to call D back and explain that I was having a bit of a freak out and why. He explained everything--but it didn't make me feel better. He was upset that I had stressed so much over him not sharing about class. That I couldn't just let it be and had to remind him that things aren't normal.

I was proud of one thing: I had talked myself down from the edge of codiexplosion enough to actually call and express my need for some help, rather than just waiting and exploding irrationally when D got home. For one thing, though, I was not proud, and that was for letting the subject get changed after D explained the texting and phone calls, attested that he was sober and proud of it. Whether I believe him or not was not an issue--what was the issue was that I did not voice the most important of my feelings at the end of the episode. What I wanted to say was that I knew that my freaking out made him uncomfortable. I know he doesn't like having to draw out conversations about his addiction/recovery. I know that if he wants to keep things from class private, he has that right. But what I wanted from him was the acknowledgment that my feelings are important to him, too. I can't just pretend that the things he does don't freak me out sometimes. I get triggered--perhaps irrationally, perhaps not--but it happens, and shoving the whole thing under a rug does nothing for me. What I wanted to say was that I do freak out, and I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, love, but I need you to acknowledge that it's ok and not without reason. I need you to be willing to work with me so that the situation that triggered it doesn't happen again if we can help it. I need you to affirm that this is tough for me and real for me and life is not all flowers and rainbows and unicorns just because we don't talk about the hard stuff every day. Let me know that you are sober but you understand that it will take more than that, longer than this, for me to move beyond the insanely triggering moments. Let me know that you will work with me and communicate with me and love me so that I can work on myself, and you can work on yourself, and together we can keep working on us.

That's what I should have said. That's what I wanted so badly to say. But he had moved on to "cheerier" topics and if I interrupted them I worried that he would be upset and depressed and angry, and that those things might cause any problems (if there are any problems currently) to get worse. I was a terrific codependent mess last night, and I struggled with that all day today. I'm still not sure how to get it all out tonight, but I do know one thing--it has to be said. I set my goal to work on me, and it is time to take a step and do something for me no matter what the consequences might be in terms of others' moods. I am perfectly capable of being happy even if others aren't. So maybe things will get tense, but it will pass, and I will be better for it in the long run.

Flat

2009-01-08T18:18:00.000-08:00

Progress, thy name is peace. I never thought this could really happen. Fully expected it to be a massive failure of my worst character flaws. But the more I practice a mindset of keeping myself even, peaceful, detached, and focused, the more I can see it actually working in my life. I used to pray to my God to make D better, to help me fix our financial woes, to drop a magic bomb of happiness into my life and just overall make everything ok. Many, many times...most times...I walked away frustrated. Found another reason to stop believing and give up on the idea of improvement.

A few weeks ago, I decided to start focusing on myself. To really make an effort to let go of my problems. For the first time, I prayed not for him or me to be fixed, but for help to just let go. I am not good at letting go, but I asked anyway. And for the past month, I have been doing pretty well and feeling much more at peace with everything. And so I tried praying for help to begin--even to begin--letting go of my insecurities. Of my worry of what everyone else thinks. Of my finances. Again, I wasn't sure what to expect...I didn't expect the same, almost magical transformation that I have heard others talk about, for sure. But then unexpected money arrived. A government stimulus check has given us the prospect of getting out of our debt much, much sooner than we could have hoped for and my student loan money arrived just on the day that all of the bills were due. I did not have to worry about it. I had not worried about it. And it turned out more than just alright.

Working on myself, I set a goal this week to try worrying even just the tiniest bit less what people thought of me. Sitting with a study partner the other day, I received a compliment about my outfit. At first, I was excited, but then I worried--this was just the sort of thing I wanted to avoid, wasn't it? To base feeling good about myself simply on what someone else had said? But then I realized that it was ok to feel good about a compliment--because I already felt great about how I looked that day. I had not been worried that no one would like it, or would judge me because my pants were too short, or some such of my ridiculous insecure brain crap. Granted, it's not much...but the recognition sure felt good.

Today, I drove with D to his PO appointment. We talked about how things had been going lately--for both of us. I shared my previous two experiences, and how I felt like recently I have been much more at peace with the world. Things that may have upset me have been--well, less upsetting than they might have been. I have been much more steady in my mood. I told him how I felt like my prayers were working, and how focusing on myself and not what other people thought was my goal. He, surprised, shared that he had been working on the same thing, and agreed that he felt like he has had a much easier time--having fewer urges and temptations, things that used to make him angry at work were now just taken in stride. Arguments that we had had were discussed, talked out, and resolved calmly and with respect for the other's point of view.

I feel like even when things have been frustrating lately, I am discovering a deeper meaning of peace in my day to day life. I have, for the past few weeks, been on a much more even keel. Rather than riding the roller coaster, things have begun flattening out--the highs perhaps not so high, but the lows certainly not taking me nearly so low. And really, that's about all I can ask for.

New Year Introspection

2009-01-01T13:20:00.000-08:00

It's the new year, which of course means that it's time to look back on the old one and see what was and wasn't accomplished. As a rule, I don't generally do New Year's Resolutions, and I didn't last year, but it's interesting to think back to what has gone on throughout the year nonetheless. Last New Year's Eve, D and I spent the evening with a single friend watching our football team lose terribly. We kissed at midnight and celebrated the fact that 2008 would be the year we got married. D spent most of early 2008 interviewing for new jobs, finally got one and started his current position in the spring. We lived apart for a few months, which was difficult for me. I finished one step of my education and went crazy from wedding planning. We bought our home, moved in, and I made efforts at decorating. D spent far too much time on his computer. We got married, had a lovely honeymoon, and came home to settle in. I fell in love with the olympics. I began my current studies and have been relatively consumed by them since. In September, I looked forward to having some extra money and less worry when D ended his probation. Instead, we found ourselves for the first time at the edge of what is hopefully legitimate recovery. We celebrated our first married Christmas in our first home and rang in the New Year with a few close friends and family without fanfare.

Looking back at all these events, I don't feel like I've progressed all that much from where I was last New Year. It seems like it, since I have progressed in my education and bought a home and gotten married, but honestly, I feel very much the same. The biggest (and best) difference is that D and I are finally starting to build the relationship we could have, should have, would have had from the beginning, and despite our myriad problems are, I think, starting to get some things right. I'm working on me and my insecurities, we are spending more time together and beginning to bring a modicum of respect and intimacy back to "us." I am grateful for the fact that we have conversations now when we get home rather than running to our own corners of the house, and when we argue there is much less screaming and at least a little more dialogue. I am grateful that I have progressed enough this year to at least sometimes identify my own problems, and (perhaps even more impressive) my own sources of happiness.

And so, this year, I think I will take a different tack. Last year I did not make resolutions, and things progressed some, but not as much as I might have liked. This year I will try making a few even if just to give myself some goals to work toward. That, and because I just love lists so much.

New Year's Goals and Things to Work Toward:

1. I will continue to work on identifying and healing some of my own insecurities. I fully expect this to take much longer than a year, but we'll give it a shot.

2. I will try to be more compromising and less selfish in an argument.

3. I will work on doing what's best for me--and not just with D. I think one of my biggest problems with this will be not being such a pleaser to my mother, and not worrying so much about what other people think of me.

4. A combo goal for D and me: get out of debt (except for the house and my student loans) by the time he ends probation in August.

5. Start working out again, at least somewhat regularly.

6. Apply for (and get) a summer externship.

7. Spend more time with friends.

I have no qualms about admitting that many of these will probably be difficult (ok....maybe impossible) to keep up and may fall by the wayside at times, but hopefully even making an attempt at these I'll be able to look back next year and see an even bigger difference in my life. For now, though, I'm satisfied to have something to be grateful for and something to work toward at the start of 2009. Hope everyone has a blessed, safe, and happy year ahead of them.

Christmas Recap

2008-12-30T10:56:00.000-08:00

The holidays around here were lovely. We spent a few days visiting with various family members, had a number of close friends from all over to our house for a party on Saturday, and are now beginning to fall back into the daily routine. I still have a week before classes resume, which is lucky since I have apparently chosen the holiday break as the ideal time to come down with the cold/flu/transient 24 hour bug that has been going around. I've been feeling a bit like I got hit by a Mack truck, and therefore don't have a whole bunch to write about aside from what it's like to lie around like a bum with a box of tissues at hand.

Other than all that, there has been one thing of note that warrants writing down. With another couple of weeks before my loans arrive and last semester's loans dwindling, we've been truly cutting things extremely tight financially over the past month. Add in the extra expenses of Christmas shopping and things had gotten a little scary. I was fully expecting to have to pay the early January bills with credit cards and pay off the cards when the loan money arrived, and that whole idea was more than a little stressful, since we're used to budgeting everything so precisely. I had been worrying about how we would manage for most of December, but finally realized that it wasn't going to do me any good and decided to try giving the whole situation up to my higher power. I'm still not very good at the letting go thing, but since I've been working on it with D I figured it certainly couldn't hurt to try it with the finances, too. And so I all but forgot about the money, figuring if it came down to credit cards that at least we would be able to pay them off fairly quickly.

When D's last paycheck arrived the day after Christmas, it was a bit more than usual, and so we breathed a little bit easier. Then, he won a contest for sales at work and got an extra bonus for doing so. Yesterday, I received a completely unexpected check in the mail as a refund from our insurance company, stating that we'd overpaid. All of these things combined have officially crossed the bank accounts into the black and given us enough money to pay for all of our expenses over the next few weeks. Honestly, I hadn't really thought about it much until today, when I received and banked that extra insurance check, but clearly, someone somewhere is watching out for us a little bit this week, and I am so, so grateful. It gives me hope that letting go might actually help in a lot more ways as well.

And to all a good night

2008-12-20T19:17:00.000-08:00

I am finally, finally done with exams for the semester. I actually ended up doing quite well, so I was pleased. I have yet to convince my brain that I am finished, though--I keep waking up in the morning feeling like there's something I should be doing. It's amazing how exhausted you can be without realizing it. I finally get to relax and now all I want to do is sleep. It's been quite lovely, however, to spend a couple of days doing some shopping, first with D, then today with my mom and sisters. There are gifts wrapped under our tree and it makes me feel all full of Christmas cheer. My dog and myself are curled up on the couch watching romantic movies and in the next two days I will celebrate six months of marriage and three months of sobriety for D.

Sometimes, life just works. Here's hoping that everyone out there can find such a little piece of joy this season.

It's finals week, and I think I'm losing my mind

2008-12-16T11:40:00.000-08:00

I've been slipping the past couple of days. It started with a trigger...D came home without calling me to let me know he was on his way. He'd been talking more with a couple of female friends recently--long time friends, who I know quite well--and one day last week he had gotten off the phone with me in order to answer a phone call from one of them regarding what to get a boyfriend for Christmas. So when he came home without calling first, my mind did a triple jump to the worst of possible conclusions, assuming he had wanted to talk to one of them more than me. That he was slipping into complacency and leaving me behind for the thousandth time. It was all I could do to keep myself from an all-out freak out when he got home, though I somehow managed to stay relatively calm and avoid being passive-aggressive long enough for him to claim that he had not spoken with anyone. Since then, I'm having trouble focusing on me. Well, that took all of a week.

Last night I had a completely random--no triggers, just random--flashback about things he used to say when he was flirting with girls online. It's like stabbing myself in the chest one more time for fun. I'm trying to figure out why this is happening, but there doesn't seem to be a really good reason. I'm also trying to get my focus back to me again, but it's coming much less easily this time. I wanted so badly to bring up D's recovery last night with him, but didn't, so I guess that's a good sign that I can still keep my control freak a little bit under control. Time to check out my priorities again, because in my efforts to focus on what I'm feeling, all I can identify is that I'm feeling frustrated by all this and frustrated (yet again) by what D is or isn't doing, which is exact opposite of the goal of this exercise. Then, when I remind myself that all I can do is work on me and my flaws, that codie who lives in my head just wants recognition--"Hey! Look at me! I'm working on myself! Haven't you noticed?! Say you've noticed!! Doesn't it make you want to work on you too?" God, what a horribly insecure person I have been. Next stop for the introspection train: why in the world I'm so insecure about everything, and what I can do about it. I'll be back when and if I figure out some answers.

Accomplishments

2008-12-11T06:49:00.000-08:00

I got way more done last night than I had intended to, work wise. Partially thanks to D, who took me away from my oh-so-distracting high speed internet connection for a while when he asked (of his own accord) if I would drive him to his SAA meeting. Hour and a half of no internet studying + continuing to reap the benefits of not worrying so much about everybody else in the world = chalk one into the win zone. At least for today.

We put up our Christmas tree a couple of nights ago, and it was fabulous because (as mentioned in my previous "about me" post) I am a certifiable Christmas nut. It pains me that we cannot have a real tree, since D is allergic, but for now our adorable little Charlie Brown fake tree lights up my life (literally and figuratively) when I walk in the door in the evening. D thinks this is hilarious, since he is used to putting up his family tree about a week or two before Christmas and taking it down the day after, whereas my family get out the decor the weekend after Thanksgiving. I think we've found a good compromise. I even got a pine-smelling candle to trick my brain into thinking it's real. Now, if only I could find the time and money to get the shopping done, I'll really be set.

Letting Go

2008-12-08T17:01:00.001-08:00

I feel like the universe is trying to send me a message. After last week's post, I took some advice and decided to make an effort, starting then and there, to focus more on me. I even wrote myself a lovely little note to look back on and remind myself. The goal was relatively simple--I just promised myself that I would try my best to think more about me, what I was thinking, how I was feeling, what I want. In so doing, I also promised that I would do my utter best to quit worrying so much about D like I've been. We discussed this epiphany of sorts, and I told him that I'm making the commitment to not bother him about his recovery any more, for his sake but ultimately for mine, because really (as I've been told however many times) it is just plain unhealthy for me to focus so much on something that, at it's heart, I simply can't control--no matter how much I might want to. So I started trying. When I began thinking about what someone else was doing or what I needed to do for them, I tried to remove myself as much as possible and really review how I felt and what I wanted and what I could do. It's been hard, but not nearly as much as I expected. The great thing was (and here's where the universe is giving me a sign)--all manner of things have come up dealing with this topic this week. Other friends that I've talked to, other blogs that I've read, are dealing with the same topic of staying self-focused. I attended my first online COSA meeting tonight, and the topic was, of all things, letting go of control in order to see solutions more clearly (and, if necessary, asking HP for help in doing so). Hearing other people talk about how they dealt with this, how they had benefitted from letting go, what struggles they had really resonated with me and gave me some new things to think about to help me with this new goal. It's been great, and I have to say it's given me some freedom of perspective to start looking at what good things I do have in my life.

With this newfound idea to go on, I've also decided that in order to keep the focus on me, I'm going to try to start keeping this blog more about me and what I'm doing rather than just ranting about D all the time. Whatever problems we have, I can only work on mine, anyway--and when I do, things seem to go so much better with him and with us as well. So to start making this place a little more "me-centric," here is an interesting little meme I picked up from a friend.

10 things you don't know about me:

Note: I don't do memes, really...none of the whole "tagging" other people and such. But I thought this was fun, so feel free to do it if you wish as well. The point is just to let people know 10 things about you that they probably otherwise wouldn't know, or that might be interesting or different or odd.

1. I am addicted to Harry Potter, and I just got turned on to the new Twilight books. While I don't think they're quite as good writing-wise, the story is interesting and quite addictive when the alternative is studying. This is a bad, bad thing to happen the week before finals.

2. I love the beach. The smell of sunscreen is one of the happiest smells on earth.

3. My house is perpetually covered in dog fur, and while I am a neat freak, I often cannot bring myself to haul out the vacuum to solve the problem.

4. Christmas is my favorite season. I would listen to carols year round if it wouldn't annoy everyone else around me.

5. I hate bananas.

6. I love photography.

7. I'm a closet nerd. I play video games, love science fiction, and probably would have been an astrophysicist if I didn't pick my chosen line of study.

8. I love snow, but hate the cold. I really wish I had a fireplace, because my heating bills kill me whenever the temperature drops below 60 degrees.

9. I used to have a life goal to travel to every continent before I was 30. I still want to do it--but the age range has lengthened. Only two have been checked off the list so far.

10. Blood, guts, death, gore and destruction do not and have never freaked me out in the slightest, but I am paralyzed by the sight of the tiniest spider on my bedroom ceiling.

So there's a little bit about the me that I'm trying to get to know a little bit better. For now, that me better start actually doing some work.

Meetings

2008-12-02T15:50:00.001-08:00

I should be studying right now. Finals are in two weeks and I am woefully behind. But, since I am the World's Greatest Procrastinator, I figured I'd do some writing about some things that have been musing around in my head recently. Mainly, I've been thinking a lot about meetings.

I sent an e-mail to the COSA ISO a couple of weeks ago, when I was feeling particularly down about D's attitude toward his own meetings. On the one hand, he seems to like them and get a lot out of them, but on the other, he never takes it upon himself to go (outside of the very first one he attended). He has now been to three or four meetings (each a couple of weeks apart), and after the first one I am always the one prodding him to get up, get moving, that he needs to go. He never gets up and says "ok, time to go to my meeting now." In regular conversation, he will talk about how he's trying to stay positive about them, how they're a good thing, etc. But when it's time to go to one, he always wants to just stay home and relax. I can understand this, because he does work ridiculous hours that are never the same week to week, and between his job and my school there are only so many hours in the week that we get to see each other. I, however, see meetings as a commitment to his recovery, and I feel like if he never takes it on himself to go, he can't really be all that committed. Granted, he has been doing very well lately...no acting out, sober now for over two months, the model husband. But yet I see tiny, tiny details in things he says or does that remind me just how easy it would be for him to relapse, especially if he were given access to his computer again. Things that make me think that he is not taking things seriously enough . Oh, the madness of my so-called mind.

And so I try, try, try to keep my mind on me. Each morning I make an effort to put D and his recovery in the God box and leave them there...but I'm not very good at it, because I am a control freak. No matter how much I try to focus on me rather than him (this post started out about me, did you notice that? How quickly my thoughts wander back to what he's got going on...) I just have issues with it. So I've been making an effort to be more introspective. To remember what it's like to think about what I want, what I need, without the lens of "what do others want" blurring my inner vision. And with that introspection came the notion that it would probably not be a bad idea to do something more proactive about my own recovery. Currently, the only serious "recovery" I've got going on is this blog and an online forum for partners of addicts that I have begun frequenting, and I know that while these are both great resources for support, they're not really the same as working a program. And so (we come full circle) I sent an e-mail to COSA ISO to find out if there were any meetings in my area. A very lovely person sent me an e-mail back with a phone number to call to find the answer. And that is where I am stuck.

For some reason, I cannot bring myself to actually call the number. The idea of a real live person calling me back, for some reason, terrifies me. As does the idea of going to meetings at all, at its core. And so the introspection camera has been turned onto the reasons for this fear. It seems so irrational--I mean, all kinds of people that I have "met" via the internet have commended such meetings as a wonderful source for healing, have emphasized the need to work your own program, etc. It seems, from the way these people describe meetings, that there would be nothing to lose, and only to gain, by going. So what am I so afraid of? As I'm sitting here trying to discover the answer, a few things come to mind. First of all, I am young. Younger, probably, than most of the other people dealing with this problem, and so part of me is slightly intimidated by the fact that I will be out of place at a COSA meeting in that respect. Part of me feels that others may judge, think I'm stupid for marrying someone so flawed so young when I could, theoretically, have my pick of people with no worries about needing to rush into things in order to have kids or the like. I know this is extremely unlikely...but it doesn't make the fear go away. Another reason for my trepidation is the exposure factor. To the outside world, D and I live what would probably appear to be a charmed life. I come from a wonderful background--my parents are married and have always been loving and supportive, there is no background of addiction on either side, I went to good schools with good friends and am now studying for a lucrative and successful professional career. My family is well known in our community, prominent in a good way. D's family was much the same--slightly less wealthy growing up, but his parents are also wonderful and to my knowledge (with the exception of an alcoholic grandfather) there is very little addictive behavior within his family either. He went to good schools, had good friends, and has a good job. So part of me worries that going to a meeting will be an admission that my perfect little world does not exist, despite the effort I have put into keeping that appearance for the past 3 years. Part of me worries that I might be seen, that someone might realize who I am and where I come from and my worst fear of being outed and humiliated in front of my family will be realized. Again, I know this is crazy. I know the anonymity of the groups is nigh on to sacred. But it doesn't make the fear go away.

One of my most disconcerting reasons for resisting going to meetings is a very basic characteristic that I have had most of my life, and have always known needed work. I am quite the extrovert, a leader, especially on the outside. But on the inside, at my most basic level of self...I am very much afraid of doing anything on my own. I have never been to a movie by myself. When I chose where to go to college, I had the opportunity to attend a school rather far away from home, but instead chose one closer where I knew people, roomed with my high school friend, where D was going. Part of the reason was because I was afraid to have to step out on my own and be vulnerable. When it came time to pick my current school for my graduate work, I chose to attend a school closer to home, and at least part of the reason was because it was safe. Back when D first exhibited signs of acting out, I considered leaving but didn't because I felt I had nowhere to go, would look foolish breaking up with someone I had been with for so long, and in some ways didn't really know how to go about life alone. Even now, I exhibit these same, stupid behaviors. I am interested in taking yoga. But I am not sure I would be willing to go to a class by myself where I knew no one, without at least taking a friend with me. I hate this about myself, and have begun trying to work on it...but breaking out of this shell comes slowly, and the worst thing about it is that I am unsure if I will ever be willing to drive to a meeting on my own and walk in knowing no one.

That was far more than I intended to write, but it feels cleansing somehow to identify on paper some of the major issues I have to work on.

Update

2008-12-01T16:02:00.000-08:00

Things went as well as we could have ever hoped...or, rather, better....the judge decided to extend D's probation to last one year longer than it was supposed to, but kept the same conditions. No jail, no fees, no nothing but toeing the line. He'll be done next August. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers...seems like someone somewhere was looking out for us.

Tomorrow

2008-11-30T17:23:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is D's hearing. I have put off thinking about it for this long, and there has been a lot of progress made for both of us in the past month, but now I am scared. I have a feeling deep in my gut that things will work out fine (and my gut is usually pretty spot on), but I still can't help being nervous about what might happen. I am trying to let faith replace fear, giving things up to my higher power...but I must admit, I would like to ask anyone out there who might read this to send your prayers, good thoughts, and positive energy his (and my) way.

Giving Thanks

2008-11-28T09:26:00.000-08:00

I don't necessarily have a whole lot to say about Thanksgiving yesterday...D had to work (in exchange for having Christmas off), so I spent the day at my two family dinners, and today we are seeing D's family. I ate far too much and enjoyed not thinking about school. But the one thing I do have to say about Thanksgiving is that I have a couple of things in particular that I am grateful for this year. I am thankful for D's recovery, frustrating though it may often be, and for the past two months of sobriety that have really thrown light onto what our relationship is working to become. I am also thankful for the fact that I am finally beginning to reach a point of not worrying constantly about things outside myself, to a point where I can (at least for a couple of days) take things one day at a time. I am thankful that yesterday I did not once concern myself with what D was doing, or how things were going, or what was going to happen on Monday, but instead just sat back and enjoyed myself.

Frustration

2008-11-24T16:20:00.000-08:00

Ugh. Why does SAA have to be such a damn touchy subject around here? Last week (as was perhaps obvious, from the lack of posting) was a relatively good and normal week. Nothing much to report, other than the fact that I had a set of exams and was mostly brain dead for the rest of the week from then on. Also, my computer has all of a sudden decided to slow down and not allow me to type more than a few words at a time without stopping to spin its wheels briefly. Most frustrating.

The one good thing from last week was that on Wednesday, D got off work at 6, which meant he was free to go to saa that night. Soon after he got home, however, one of his good friends called to say that he was in town for that night only on leave from the military (he's in the guard, and training at a base about an hour away). When D asked if it was ok if his friend came over, I told him that I didn't care, but asked if he still planned on attending his SAA meeting that night (which he had mentioned earlier). Since his friend was in town only for the evening, he wanted to stay home and visit, but he also went over to his work calendar on our fridge and noted that he would be able to go to SAA on Monday night (tonight) or even Tuesday morning this week. This whole exchange was extremely positive sounding, and I let him know how much that meant to me, because I really need to see him committing to recovery. We talked about how it helps me to see him go to meetings on his own, and even to want to go, because it lets me know that he is committing to this and that we're always moving forward, not getting complacent or letting our relationship get back to the place it has once been. He even agreed that it did no good to do anything but be positive about meetings, because while they are one more thing to do in the schedule, they are a good thing for him, and staying positive helps keep things in perspective and makes meetings seem like less of a "thing that must be done." I, for one, came away from the whole conversation feeling much better about the state of things.

Then, tonight, D got off work at 4. We've had a wonderful evening, watching tv, having a snack, just basically lounging around. He took a bit of a nap on the couch, and I studied a bit. Remembering what he had said last week about going to SAA on Monday night, I woke him up around 6:30 and let him know what time it was, that I wasn't sure when he wanted to leave. I'll spare the details, but essentially he got angry and surly and generally in a foul and horrible mood and stomped around the house getting ready, being rather rude in general and to me in particular. When I asked what was wrong, he wouldn't answer. I offered to drive with him over to the meeting and study at a coffee shop while he was there, but he turned me down. Finally, while he was driving over, he called and explained that he was angry because he had been extremely warm and comfortable and content for the first time all day, happily dozing, and that I had woken him up and promptly thrown him out into the dark and cold. As he put it, he knew he needed to go, and yes he had indicated that he would go tonight, but he had finally been comfortable and I had woken him up and automatically thrown this in his face.

I'm just so tired of this back and forth. Honestly, as I've told him at this point several times, I don't really care if he goes to meetings or not. I need to see him in committed recovery, but I am not going to sit around and police whether or not he attends (or at least, I'm trying desperately not to). But Christ, it's impossible to know when it's ok to bring things up and when it's not. When he says he wants to go on Monday, and I wake him up an hour ahead of time to make sure he's got time to get ready, is that really so ridiculous? I asked him what would have made the situation better, and he said he thought we should have discussed it earlier in the evening--but had we discussed it earlier (i.e., had I brought it up earlier, because he never does) I have a sneaking suspicion that he would have only gotten upset then that I was ruining a nice afternoon that we got to spend together. I've told him before that I think it would help if he was willing to bring things up sometimes, or at least to let me know in some general way what his plans are so I don't do something "wrong" like tonight, but he never does it on his own.

I know, I know, I need to calm the codie side down. I'm trying to just let him go on his own and see if he makes it back into recovery. Problem is, I thought that's what was happening last week, which is what led to this whole episode tonight. I count it as positive that he went to the meeting at all instead of throwing a fit and just not going...and also positive that he acknowledged that he did need to go tonight...I just wish we could get into the habit of doing this without a huge ordeal each time.

EDIT: When he got home, D apologized for getting angry. We talked about how he felt controlled, but he was extremely glad to have gone and thanked me for reminding him to go. Makes me feel a tad better, but also makes me wish he'd just remember that it's just not a big deal for the next time.

Realization

2008-11-16T11:43:00.001-08:00

We went to see the new James Bond movie last night, and it was quite good. I recommend it, especially if you enjoyed the last one (which I did...and not just because Daniel Craig's eyes are amazing). One of D's good friends was in town last night and went with us, and we had a lovely time catching up. D got switched to be off today because of a business meeting later this week (which was supposed to take place on his day off), and we are enjoying a quiet day together after lunch with some of my family. One of the advantages to having friends in town is that we cleaned up the house (and really cleaned, rather than just a requisite quick run with the vacuum), and for some reason a clean house always makes me feel much more relaxed and comfortable and able to enjoy my day. Clutter drives me mad. I should probably never have kids, I suppose.

I made a realization last night and this morning that particularly struck me for some reason. D, for as long as I have known him, has been perpetually late for everything. One of the things that used to drive me insane about him was that he could never get anywhere on time (and, by proxy, I could never get anywhere on time when I was with him). On Sundays even a few months ago, whenever we were supposed to be meeting my family for lunch, we would inevitably arrive after they had sat down to eat--not because we had been somewhere else or busy, but because D could simply not be made to get ready any faster than he wanted to. I could beg, plead, borrow, and steal, cajole and convince, even bribe, but I could not make him leave the house when we needed to for anything. We were late for movies, we were late for lunches, he was late to work. When meeting friends, we were always the last to arrive, usually at least 10 or 15 minutes and sometimes as much as an hour late. I eventually took to telling him we needed to arrive places an hour or so before we actually needed to be there, just to try to make it on time.

One of the most pleasant things about D's recovery for the past two months has been, as I realized last night, that we are not late any more. No more do I have to jump up and down in my coat and purse as he sits at his computer, begging him to please put on his shoes so we can leave. This morning, he took a shower and got out around fifteen minutes before we needed to leave for lunch--and lo and behold, fifteen minutes later, we were in our coats and out the door without so much as a prompting from me.

It's the little things.

2008-11-14T05:35:00.000-08:00

A question for the masses: How, in the early days of your recovery, did you prevent the whole codependent control-freak thing from completely overcoming your life?

D and I had an argument (well, not even that, really, more of just a very emotional discussion) last night about--well, about a lot of things. But one of the main recurring themes was the fact that when he got done w/ his group class yesterday, he was rather chatty about how things had been going for him lately, and I was encouraged, so we talked about it for a bit. He changed the subject, we talked about other things for a while. After a while, he started talking about how a) he needs to get a haircut when he gets off work today and won't wait until Saturday to do it, and b) how he was texting a girl from work on his way home from class because she had had a very bad day to do with a cheating boyfriend the day before.

Now, these two things may seem totally separate, but not in my all-controlling brain. The fact that he needs to get a haircut tonight means he probably won't be going to SAA tonight. Which means he won't have gone since last Wednesday (which was only his second time going). The girl thing...well, we can just say that that was a huge trigger for me, since one of the ways he used to get started with a girl online or any other way was by offering to "help" through some problem and use that to manipulate his way into the situation. So in one fell swoop, you have the control-freak that lives in my head screaming "WHY do you talk about how great SAA is but never want to go???" and also "WHY are you talking to some random girl from work on text and trying to fix all her problems???" Helping someone "fix their problems" used to be code for "let me weasel my way into your life and then start being all suggestive." I told D that I was a little weirded out by the phone conversation with the girl from work, and while he understood, he was upset that I got weird about it because he felt he had been so forthcoming about the conversation rather than hiding it, and said that for once he was actually trying to be a good person without having an ulterior motive and was proud of that. He even showed me the entire text conversation, and it was completely harmless, nothing that could have even been misconstrued as inappropriate. But still.

I think part of my problem is that I truly wish D could understand how badly he has hurt me in the past, how much baggage I carry because of this whole situation. And he can't, really, because he's too busy just trying to get from day to day without letting this consume his life. I tried to explain a little, last night, that it is not just him who carries this burden, who thinks about the addiction and the offense and the recovery 24/7. If I could stop thinking about it for more than a few hours at a time, I totally would. I hate that I feel compelled to check the phone bill every day, because when I do I am conflicted by the fact that I want to be free of it (and knowing that it doesn't really do any good), but that when there are no strange numbers I do indeed feel better. The problem is that my response to all of it is to talk. The more I talk to D about how things are going, and what we're both feeling, the better I feel. He, on the other hand, deals with things by keeping busy and trying not to think about it as much as possible except when he has to. And that combo is what brings up conflicts like last night, when all I want to do is sound off and all he wants to do is talk about sports. I keep trying to just let it go....hopefully someday it will finally get easier.

Christmas

2008-11-10T19:41:00.000-08:00

D and I had this entire weekend off together, and yesterday afternoon we went to Target to pick up a few things and ended up getting lost in the Christmas section for an hour, pointing out our favorite kinds of ornaments and decorations, laughing about the hot pink tinsel trees, choosing what we will eventually go back for when we have the money to decorate the house to the extremes that we want.

I'm a huge dork about Christmas. My mom always had all kinds of special decorations that we would get out around the end of November, and it was a ritual we looked forward to every year--putting the candles in the windows, getting out the superfluous numbers of advent calendars for each of the kids, trading old candles and centerpieces and rugs for festive ones with snowflakes and santas and stockings. My dad would play every Christmas carol he knew on the piano while we decorated the house and the tree, and year in and year out those are my dearest memories.

Yesterday was the first time D and I have really started to consider our own Christmas rituals, and it was the cherry on top of a wonderful day.

Flashback

2008-11-07T19:53:00.001-08:00

Things have been good lately. Really good. Surprisingly good. D is finally working more normal day hours again, and we are seeing each other more, and life is pretty much steady (with maybe the exception that I'm not studying as much as I should...pre-Christmas burnout, here we come). So that's why I hate what happened tonight.

I was driving along a windy country road tonight en route to see my youngest sister in her school play, when all of a sudden I had a flashback to another very windy road I drove down on New Year's Eve with a friend of mine about four years ago. Relatively benign memory. Except that the reason I was driving down that twisty road with my friend was because that year, D was somewhere else with other friends I didn't know, because he wanted to be away from me with them, right around the time he first started acting out. It was uncomfortable, having a memory of that time sneak up on me like that. I've since had a lovely time at the play and gotten to hang out with my mom a bit before coming home to relax and study (yes, on a Friday night...such is my non-stop thrilling life), and I'm not too concerned about anything whatsoever. I guess I just hate the way things sneak up on me sometimes. I'd much rather have crazy definitions and lists of terms sneaking up on me, because then I'd at least feel productive.

Better

2008-11-06T05:09:00.000-08:00

When he came home last night, D thanked me for holding him accountable and getting him to go to the meeting, saying it was good and he needs to do it more regularly. We talked about the reason he was upset--mainly, that he had had a really good day at work and felt affronted that when he got home and was excited to see me and spend time, the first thing I did was jump on him about his problems--and about how I was feeling (see below) and things worked out just fine. Both of us, I think, have a little better understanding of where we are at this point, and later we're going to come back and talk about how we can avoid the same problems again (namely, working things out to where he will schedule what day he's going to SAA during the week so I don't have to pester him about it and he doesn't feel threatened by my constant questions). So things are all good...maybe I'm just an alarmist. Or crazy. That would work, too.

I think my husband hates me

2008-11-05T16:29:00.001-08:00

Well, no, not really. Sorry to scare any potential readers with the doomsday headline. Tonight has just turned into a frustrating night in the last ten minutes.

D has not attended an SAA meeting since his first one, which was 2 1/2 weeks ago. Combination of working late shifts and being exhausted gave him really very little time. The only day he was free to go was the day of the court date last week, and he was so mentally spent that he didn't want to go then, just wanted to hang out, and I didn't push the issue. He had told his PO, counseling group, and me that he was really excited by the first meeting, couldn't wait to go back, and once his work schedule cleared up again (that is, he got switched back to a normal schedule) he was planning on attending at least one or two a week, probably on Mondays and Wednesdays. So this past Monday night, I asked if he was planning on going to a meeting. He got off work at 6 (meetings start at 7:30), and said that he really just felt like coming home and hanging out with me for the evening, so that's what he did. I didn't say anything, but later that night I mentioned that it wasn't a big deal as long as he made it to one later in the week. He happily agreed that this was true. So earlier today (and even last night) I asked if he was planning on going to a meeting tonight. He said he would see how the schedule and timing worked out. I told him that I would be happy to meet him after work for food or something before he had to go, since there wouldn't be much turn around time to get all the way home and all the way back there in an hour between when he was off and when the meeting started. He seemed amicable but didn't commit. Later in the afternoon, I texted him from school, telling him to just let me know one way or the other so I could plan when to leave school (and whether to just go home or to meet him). He was busy, and so didn't reply.

Finally at 6:30 he called to say he was coming home from work. We spoke about our days, what I was working on (a frustrating project, which didn't really help my mood), etc. And after a few minutes, I asked what the plan was for the night. He said he wanted to come home and have dinner, so I asked if he was planning on going to the meeting or not so I could know when to start supper. He got home, upset, changed his clothes, and stood by the door looking utterly dejected, saying that "well, I guess I'll go now because you want me to go, or I'll be late." When I told him that going for me wasn't a good reason to go, his only response was "but you want me to, don't you?"

B: "I won't lie and say that I don't want you to go. I'll admit, I think it's a good thing, especially since the last time you went you were very excited and practically bouncing off the walls when you got home. Also, because you've told other people (read: PO and group) that you'd be going back regularly and they thought it was important too."

D: "Fine. I'll go." *looks depressed*

B: "If you don't want to go, don't go. Me wanting you to or them wanting you to can't be the reason you go, you have to want to do it for you or it's not necessarily worth it."

D: *stands by door*

B: "What do you want to do?"

D: "I really just want to stay home and hang out with you tonight. But you think I should go, don't you?"

B: *pauses* "What I think you should do doesn't matter."

And with that, he walked out the door, looking just as upset/mad/dejected/whatever as possible. And now I sit here caught between the two sides of my brain. Part of me, yes, desperately wants D to go to SAA because his commitment to his recovery signifies his commitment to me and to our future family, his commitment that he's not going to let himself go back to who he was in the worst parts of our relationship. I want him to want to go, I want him to make it a regular thing, even if it's only once a week or once every two weeks or once a month, but to make it a commitment. I feel like if he's not really going through with it like he said, then he's not really committed to recovery like I thought and he's just blowing sunshine up everyone's ass again, just like he's done in the past. The other part of me knows that I'm right about the fact that if he's not doing it for himself first, he's probably not going to get much out of it. And that part of me feels horrible right now, knowing that it's my nagging and pushing that have got him there right now, and not his own desire. I am afraid that he will become resentful and angry and only fall back deeper into his addiction cycle if I do this. I am also afraid that I may be ruining a good thing, because even having gone to SAA only once, D is still sober after a month and a half and doing really well as far as not acting out and being a fabulous husband, friend, and person. I feel bad because I know he deals with this a lot, having so many other things to do with it throughout his week, and I am worried that putting one more thing on his plate that makes him consistently remember his problems will only be harmful instead of helpful, even with the best of intentions.

Sometimes I question whether or not D is truly an addict, or if he was just so willful, prideful, and full of himself that he thought he could get away with murder. Sometimes he seems so repentent--the way he talks about what went through his mind when he was acting out, like the thrill, the chase, the shame and anger afterward and how horrible he feels about it all--that it seems like the perfect "addiction" story. Sometimes I think he had/has just a really bad case of chauvinism and narcissism. I worry if he's really, truly, seen his problem for what it is, despite the fact that he does seem to be taking steps to correct it. If he really recognizes it as addiction or if he only recognizes that he used to do bad things and now he's not going to anymore. Some days it seems to swing one way, some days another. Meanwhile, I am caught someone out here in no-man's-land wondering what the hell I'm supposed to be doing to help--supporting his choices as long as he is pursuing some kind of improvement/recovery (even if it's just on his own), or demanding that he demonstrate his commitment by going to meetings, or something else. He's said himself he felt like he got more out of SAA than his group classes. In his group classes, he's known the right answers to all the questions for a year now, he just didn't think he needed to really apply them fully to his life/actions. So is that enough? Now that he has a plan for relapse and seems to have been doing well for a month? Now that we took his computer away, will there be need for all this? Or is he (and am I) fooling ourselves if we think it can all go away that easily?

I like how things have been lately. Things have been really, really good the past few days in every respect. I want them to stay that way. I just hope this helps, and I haven't royally screwed it up.

Thoughts

2008-11-01T20:46:00.000-07:00

After doing some procrastinating blog-reading tonight (I should be studying for an exam on Monday, but alas...not so appetizing), I have stumbled across a couple of blogs that have given me a great deal of two things--recognition and hope. Both MPJ and Sophie in the Moonlight have written a great deal that resonated with me so much, but what they wrote about that I identified with the most was the idea that I am not insane for loving my husband through his imperfections, for seeing the good and wonderful man he still is despite his flaws. I have been told many times by many people that I should ditch my husband--not necessarily because they knew of his addiction (of which I have really only truly known or recognized for about two months now), but because they recognized the problematic behaviors in which he engaged, and sometimes because they recognized the pain in me that the behaviors were causing. People have said that I deserved better, that they didn't understand why I stayed, etc. etc. etc. And every time, all I could think was that they didn't know what I knew. They couldn't see beyond the behaviors, they didn't experience the nights full of laughter, the afternoons chasing each other down the grocery store aisle, the tender conversations over dinner, the intellectually stimulating political debates, the times when we would lie on the couch and just stare in each other's eyes and connect so intimately without words or even actions. And because they didn't know that person, I can understand at least somewhat why they would discourage the relationship that they thought was so toxic. But that's the problem...they just didn't know. And because they didn't know, I have long subjected myself to wondering if I really am crazy for staying. It's nice to hear stories of other people who have stayed, despite the pain and doubt and insanity, because they also knew that underneath the problems was a beautiful person, and even a potentially (or actually) beautiful relationship.

One of the things I have struggled with for a little while is the fact that whenever D's addictive behaviors would show themselves (even long before either of us recognized them as addictive), I would, in one way or another, threaten to leave. When he was first arrested, I threatened to leave. When I stayed instead, I told him that if he ever engaged in the old behaviors again, I was done. When I found more conversations, texts, or other evidence of relapse, he apologized, and I told him once more that I couldn't take it any more--any more and I was out. On the day after our wedding, when I found an online conversation, I wept and told him that if he had not meant anything from the day before that I would walk out. Yet over and over again, I have stuck around because over and over again I could still see the man I loved. Despite the recognition that I was not following through with my threats, despite doubts that if I didn't leave he would just continue his behaviors (knowing my threats were empty)...I stayed because I wanted desperately to believe that the part of D that was my husband could someday be the only part.

I firmly believe we are on our way to D becoming the best parts of himself. Despite our struggles, despite the fears that I struggle with daily, we are working toward that goal. And as long as we are, I can find strength to stay. It is wonderful to know that there are others who have made the journey, too.

Two Days Later

2008-10-31T06:27:00.000-07:00

Feeling a bit better today, now that I've had a couple of days to remove myself from everything that happened on Wednesday. Basically just realizing that I have a month before we have to worry about it again so I can at least relax for a little while. D and I had a bit of an argument last night, which really ended up turning into a big rant for him to complain about things he was frustrated with from his therapy class and life in general. It was probably really good for him to get it all out, and he actually said a couple of things that did help me see how far he's come even in the last month--things that were much more mature and thoughtful and aware than I might have expected. Trying to take it one day at a time and not think about things, because then I can feel much more normal.

Back in Hell Again

2008-10-29T15:34:00.000-07:00

Court date was today. I drove up with D and went in with him for his meeting with the PO, which, though I was extremely apprehensive about attending given my reaction the last time I went, was actually alright. The PO was not as intense as last time, in that he didn't ask personal questions of me or anything like that, but seemed more disconnected, which worried me a bit since we were gearing up for the court session later in the afternoon. Last time we were there and D asked about what would happen in court today, the PO had been very open and kind about answering his questions, telling us what he was going to recommend to the judge, telling us what D would/would not be doing on this date, etc. Today, he seemed rather distant and just told us that he couldn't give advice, and when D stated that from what he remembered, he would just go in, plead not guilty for the time being, and request a public defender, the PO's response was a gruff, "Well, she (the judge) doesn't have to grant you that. If not, when you come back the next time you might have to hire a lawyer or just wing it on your own." And then he really wouldn't say much else. When D asked if the PO would be coming up to the hearing, he said he "might swing up there" but was usually not needed at such things and so probably would not be there. We left the appointment, got lunch, and came back for the hearing.

D counts things as a relative success, but I'm not so sure...and here's why.

We arrived in the courtroom with the ten or so other people who had hearings to revoke probation or something similar at the same appointed time. The judge was half an hour late in getting started, and by the time she did arrive, several many other probation officers were also in attendance. Those people whose probation officers were present were called up to the judge first. With each one, the judge brought them up, stated that they were up for petition to revoke sentence, and then asked the PO what they were recommending in this case. In almost every situation, the judge didn't even have the person give a plea, but went with what the PO recommended right off the bat. Even in a case where the person had apparently violated probation several times by not showing up to meetings and failing a urinalysis--a case where the PO stood up there and recommended that this person should probably go to jail for a little while because he seemed to have no motivation to correct himself and the external motivation they had given him wasn't working--even then, the judge told the guy to report daily for urinalysis between now and december 1, and if he stayed clean throughout that time, she would consider alternate sentences. She seemed nice, kindly, and like she believed that each person there was a good person who could do better if they just tried.

Then, at the end of the hour, those without POs present were called. The first girl went up, stated she wanted a public defender, was asked about her income and told to go make an appointment. Quick and clean and easy. Then, it was D's turn....

When D's name was called, the judge told him that he was there for a petition to revoke suspended sentence, asked him if he had any questions about the petition, and saw that he wanted a public defender. She opened his file, saw that for his initial offense he had a (very good, and quite expensive) private lawyer to represent him, and asked (rather accusingly) why he was not using that counsel this time. He stated that he did not have the money to pay for a private counsel, and when the judge asked why, he answered that he had a new job that did not pay as much as previously, and that he was paying off a house, his car, his student loans, and my (his wife's) current schooling. The judge's response (again, rather harsh and accusing sounding to me, compared with how she had dealt with those before us)..."Those are not reasons for getting a public defender. How much do you make?" When D answered, she simply told him he did not qualify for a public defender and that his next hearing would be next Monday and he needed to either get a lawyer or represent himself by then. The only positive thing was that D requested to have the next hearing moved so he could provide adequate notice to his employer that he would be missing work, and though the judge at first said no, reconsidered and moved the next hearing to December first. That was it. We walked out with nothing to go on, no money for a lawyer, and (for me) a distinct feeling that the judge was not feeling very inclined to be kind, merciful, or lenient in his case.

D felt like things were a success because he had at least gotten the next hearing date moved and will now at least have time to find a lawyer. I felt like we were back in hell because of the judge's attitude. I'm extremely angry at his PO right now, because everyone else who was there with their PO was simply granted the PO's recommended sentence without even dealing with a lawyer or another court date. We know that D's PO is recommending another year of probation and some community service, so I can't help feeling that had he been present, we wouldn't even have to worry about anything else. But here we are. We really don't have money for an attorney...right now we're using my student loans to pay for D's student loans and even a couple of assorted small bills each month, because D's salary doesn't really cover all of our expenses. Yet because we aren't living out on the street, we are going to either have to come up with money to get representation, or have D represent himself. I can't help but feeling that representing himself is not a very good idea, given the judge's disposition today and the fact that the ultimate "bad" that could happen here if he does a poor job is that the judge ignores the PO's recommendation and sends him to jail.

So now tomorrow we have to call a) D's previous lawyer to see if he will represent him again for a reduced price since the case is so short and simple and b) as many other lawyers in town as possible to see who can represent him decently without charging out the wazoo. Also, I'll probably be heading up to financial aid to take out a further loan to pay for all this. Again. Back at square one. Back in hell again. Meanwhile, I'm terrified of what will happen on December first and between now and then, and so it's hard to act normal now that we're back home. I'm trying to just not think about it and to take one step at a time--call the lawyer, etc.--because I can't just focus on nothing but this for the next month. But it just seems that this time it might be even harder than ever.

Meanwhile, D has another opportunity to go to SAA tonight, but doesn't seem to be going. When I asked this morning if he planned on going tonight when we got back from everything, he said he would see depending on timing of everything. When I asked him half an hour ago, he said he was hoping to just spend the night with me since we actually have some time together, because he had told everyone that he really wouldn't be able to start attending regularly until next week due to his work schedule. I find this a little discouraging because today at the PO appointment he made a really big deal out of how much he got out of his first meeting and how he hoped to be pretty regular about going on Mondays and Wednesdays, but at least this time I'm not super stressed about it. He said he would go if I want him to, but I told him it has to be something he wants to do himself, so it was his decision. We'll see from here, I guess.

Right now I am fighting my own battle, because throughout this process I have been able to remove myself enough to keep from truly experiencing the kind of fear and pain I am now. Right now I feel a bit like a wounded animal...alone and unsure where to turn. I know there's a month to go before our next step, and I know I will probably (hopefully) feel much better before then, but right now all I know is that my husband--my beautiful, thoughtful, gentle, caring, compassionate husband, who (though flawed) remains at some deep level the charismatic teenager I fell in love with--is making me dinner. He is taking care of me at the most basic level, because I am so engrossed in my growing depression that I feel like I am only functioning halfway. I have spent my night studying (making up for the fact that last night and today I have not done what I should, being consumed by our other activities), yet only half of my brain is concentrating. The other half cannot stop hearing the judge. Cannot stop picturing some indefinable future scenario when my husband calls and tells me that this is his one phone call because he is going away for six months, or a year. Cannot stop wishing with every fiber of my soul that we could just wake up from this nightmare and go back to three years ago and prevent this from ever happening.

I have often, throughout this long and harrowing process, thought that I should just give the whole thing up and leave. There were several times, back when it all first began, that I came very close. It would have been so much easier then, before we were married, to just break it off in the name of incompatibility or boredom. But I stayed, believing that if half of our relationship was wonderful, I could maybe live with just that half. Things are so much more complicated now, being married. I fear that if things turn for the worst, I will be left alone and friendless. That I will have to disclose the secret life I have led for the past two years to my family, and be humiliated. That I will have to sell my home, that we have worked so hard for, and move in with my parents. These are the fears that I struggle with every day, and these are why in my mind I sometimes wish I had left long ago before things got so deep and crazy. But then, like yesterday, I look through our wedding pictures, and I remember how insanely, irrationally happy we both were (and still are, aside from this mess), and our promises to be here through everything. For better or worse. How much worse?

I read stories of other women whose partners are sex addicts and have participated in sex with prostitutes for years before they discover the addiction. The very saddest thing about all this is that sometimes I wish, if it were going to be dictated that I travel this journey, it could have been so simple as that. I almost wish that my husband had told me he had been with a hundred different women in the privacy of our own lives rather than one "less serious" action that has cost us so much to the legal system.

Things are so very dark right now, but we both continue to pray. Eventually, things have to get better--or so I must believe, or lose myself.

Tomorrow

2008-10-28T13:58:00.000-07:00

Things have continued to go well for the past week or so. We actually had an entire day off on Saturday and got to spend the whole day together...ran some errands, went out to dinner, the works. It was great. Not really too much to report otherwise, except that tomorrow is the court date, so I'm starting to get a little nervous, but continue to pray for peace and that everything will work out. Probably sounds stupid, but in a way I actually look forward to the days we have to go to class or to meet the PO, because it gives us some unadulterated driving time when we can actually talk about the things that worry me, how D's been doing lately, etc. It's kind of like my one chance a week to really get into the nitty-gritty details of how I've been feeling, whether good or bad, whether related to the recovery process or not. Somehow there always seem to be questions that come up in my head throughout the week, and there isn't always a time that's good or available for us to talk about it (and talk about it to the point of resolution), so this provides a good time for me to sort of save up, write everything down or remember it, and have a solid batch of time to discuss it uninterrupted.

Another late shift tonight... yuck.

Follow-Up

2008-10-24T14:27:00.001-07:00

As a follow-up to my codependent post the other day, just wanted to say that I feel like my prayer is definitely being answer. I'm feeling much less worried about every little thing D does, and have come to a relative understanding that I don't need to push him into going to more meetings or anything...in fact, we had a great conversation yesterday and he was extremely positive about everything that he's been doing, so I don't think I'll even need to if I want. Still waiting to see if he's going to meeting tonight. Will update later.

Co-Addiction

2008-10-22T16:50:00.000-07:00

I've been struggling for a few days with the idea of co-addiction. I've taken "quizzes" that are supposed to test whether or not you exhibit co-addict tendencies, and I feel like those attributes are not very much where I am. I am not a classic co-dependent. I consider myself to be a smart, independent, strong person. But at the same time, I do exhibit some of those codie behaviors. The worst one, I think, is that I desperately, unbelievably, painfully want to control D's recovery. I want him to want to get better probably even more than he wants to get better--and I do believe he does. He went to his first SAA meeting on Monday night. This morning, when we "celebrated" his one month of sobriety, I asked if he was going to go to another meeting this week. He said he didn't know, would see if he could schedule-wise. When I pointed out that he gets off of work early enough on Friday to go to a meeting, he seemed to kind of brush it off, saying that he thought we already had plans for Friday (which we sort of do, but nothing is in stone and I would be fine with his going to SAA instead for an hour and a half). Part of me (the part that I think might be the codependent) got a little upset about this, because I felt like he wasn't taking his recovery seriously. I've been doing so much reading about recovery lately--started reading other blogs of SA's and codependents, checked other 12-step groups' websites, etc.--that I think I've got this crazy big picture about how it's all going to work. What I have to keep reminding myself is that we're just not there yet. The fact that D's been sober for a month is a HUGE milestone. I can't exactly expect him to be picking a sponsor and working the steps and all when he's only been to one meeting. All I can do is pray that God will make him want to go back. When he cam home from Monday, that seemed to be the case. It's just hard for me to sit back and let him control it, because I so want him to just want to go all the time.

The other part of me that I think might be a codependent is the part of me that continues to want to check up on D. The part of me that still believes that there's something he's hiding somewhere. That he's only saying he's sober, that he's lying about not acting out. There's still part of me that thinks it can't just be that easy, and so that part of me checks our cell phone bill once a day to see if there have been any questionable texts or calls. Part of me that must be restrained from checking even his work e-mail, which has never revealed anything suspicious since it's firewalled. These are the behaviors that I'd really like to stop. I think it will continue to get easier once D is more firmly into SAA. I (like him) would really love if he could stop going to his counseling classes (that are required for his probation) and be able to switch over to SAA instead, especially once he finds a sponsor and starts working the steps seriously. I doubt the powers that be will let that happen, but he just doesn't seem to be doing much in classes any more since his counselor has stopped giving him official assignments, and I am hopeful that doing a first step presentation, making a list of the people he's hurt and how he can help them, making that moral inventory of his character defects, all the other things I read about people in SAA doing...I'm hoping (and really thinking) that will do more than anything he's ever done in classes, even when he was being honest in his assignments.

God, give me peace. Help me to realize that as much as I can encourage, I cannot control others. Help D to want to go back to SAA and to gain encouragement and support and strength to continue in his sobriety. Help us both to seek you as a source of help to take on each day.

One Month

2008-10-22T09:10:00.000-07:00

Today is one month sober for D. He says he hasn't acted out since the last time I found him texting. He didn't seem as excited as I was when I mentioned it this morning, which kind of disheartened me a bit, but still...it's a big step. I'm hoping he goes to SA again on Friday.

SAA

2008-10-20T20:48:00.000-07:00

D attended his first SAA meeting tonight, and was very positive about the whole experience. He said it was very welcoming, he finally felt like he was in a place where he wouldn't get judged, and could be up front and honest about everything and get some help he really needed. I think the biggest thing that impressed upon me, though, was one particular thing he said. He said that one of the things that impressed upon him was that people were talking about things they had done and where they had been with their addictions, and he said it was amazing, because all of the things they were saying were things he could relate to--things he had done. He said people talked about how they lied by omission, manipulated those around them, etc., and he was just like, "yes! yes! that's me!" I felt really encouraged by the fact that he saw himself in their problems, maybe because I think it will help him to even more fully confront his addiction. He also seemed much happier to go to this group because there are more people of his age and socio-economic background than in his counseling group. Also, I think, it's nice for him to go to a group that is there just for support--one that is there not to fix him, but to help him and support him as he fixes himself. His counseling group is so centered on the idea of "making you better," I think, and so focused on the offenses of those involved, that it's hard to get around that. I'm hoping that the fact that this is separate from the offense will help him to fight the addiction for the sake of fighting for the addiction, and not just because his counselor or PO is breathing down his neck. He seemed very excited also that the SAA groups were so available--there are several during the week that he can attend very easily around his work schedule, and he himself made the comment that he likes the idea much better of being able to go to one of those very quickly and get support after having a rough day or temptations or slip-ups rather than having to just muddle through a week to report in at a group that will see those things more as failures or even crimes. I'm hoping he stays as happy about it as he is now, and continues to want to go. He's been "recommended" to go twice a week...but part of me is holding my breath to see if he ends up going even more just because he wants to. This week that probably won't be possible because he's still working closing shifts almost every night, but maybe in the future.

Still unsure of whether or not I'll drive with him to his next PO appointment and court date. Part of me really wants to go just for the drive time--it's almost 2 hours away, and so it's one of the only times a week we can really sit down and have long term discussions, usually about how things are going with the addiction/acting out/the offense/etc...and that usually helps me to not think about it so much the rest of the week other than when we check in each day. On the other hand...I have class that afternoon that I would have to skip (and probably could, but would feel bad about ditching my group), and I'm not sure how I would be able to handle waiting on the court thing to be over. We'll see when the time comes, I guess.

Looking Up

2008-10-19T11:24:00.000-07:00

Things seem to be looking up a little. I talked with D yesterday about how weird and scared I've been feeling since the meeting on Thursday, and we both agreed that things have been very on edge the past few days, mainly because of the fact that we are barely seeing each other right now--he's been working late shift for almost a week straight, and I've had exams this week and been studying constantly--and so we've just been a little off in general. I think I've made the decision that while I am fine driving with him to PO meetings and classes, I don't think I'll go back in with him again (or at least, not for a long while). It's just easier to process when it's one step removed. Part of me feels like this is somewhat cowardly, but I can't live with the picture of the PO's face in my head all the time. It's just not healthy. I've been trying to think of what it is that is making it so strange for me, and I think what at least part of it comes down to is the fact that I feel like he was telling me that I can't do things. It's not just D who can't go certain places, it's me. And now I feel like I shouldn't be doing certain things, watching certain tv shows, crossing the state border to do my shopping, things like that. I feel guilty for things that I am not even accountable for, because of the way the guy looked at us. And so, I'm just not comfortable with that. Hopefully this feeling will pass with time and not return if I don't go back in for a while.

This morning was a really good morning. D didn't have to work til one, and he came to church with me for the first time in a long while. He's not really a church person, and I'll admit that the church I've been attending I certainly don't agree with all (or even any, on some days) of what is said in the sermon, but I feel much more comfortable disagreeing and just taking what speaks to me. Also, the music is better, and the people are at least relatively genuine and caring (as opposed to the church I grew up at, where I'm pretty sure half the congregation is dead and no one's realized it yet). He actually took it pretty well, considering it was not a very good sermon (in my opinion) today. I think the fact that we talked about just knowing how it was and taking it for what it is, even if that's not really your thing all the time, helped. I'm hopeful that he'll come back the next time he has the ability. I pray for him constantly the whole time I'm there every week. I don't expect him to be "saved" or anything (mainly because I don't really get along with the whole neo-conservative evangelical idea of "getting saved"), but I do hope that he'll find God on his own terms, and that doing so will help him to seek God as a means of healing. I pray for his healing every day...I guess I just hope someday he will too.

This morning was also a bright note for another reason: it's probably tmi, but for the first time in over a week, we were actually comfortable enough to have some intimate time, and I didn't even have problems of thinking about what was going through his head or picturing something he's done in the past. I asked him later if I was the only one he thought about, and he said yes. The bigger thing, though...I asked how long it had been since he could say that...and he said about two weeks or so. He said that he regretted it hadn't been longer, but for me, hearing that was like water for a dying man. It let me know that he's not just going to blow sunshine up my ass about the fact that he's been perfectly clean for a month now, but it also let me know that there's been progress. He's thought about other girls since he's stopped texting and chatting...but for two weeks, I've been the only fantasy. And that's a huge step for us.

Anger

2008-10-18T11:24:00.001-07:00

For some reason, the past two days have been really rough on me. Ever since the last big discussion D and I had about his texting women, things have actually been quite happy at home...he checks in daily, has had no access to computers, and my daily checks of the phone bill haven't shown up any crazy new numbers (and in fact, are almost solely dedicated to texting and calling either me or one of two friends whom I know well. Every week when we drive him to therapy class, we've been discussing the week's happenings and how things are going in general. He has claimed to be working very hard, let me know that there are some mornings where he wakes up "in the mood" and I'm not there, and he has consciously made efforts to divert the energy by running around outside with the dog or playing a video game or reading. So I'm hard pressed to explain why all of a sudden yesterday made me depressed again. (Because that's what this is...I can't be happy right now, and I'm just not sure why when there doesn't seem to be anything going on.)

He was edgy this morning, and edgy always scares me because he always used to get edgy when he was hiding something from me. So I think part of it is that I'm afraid something has come up that he's not sharing. But at the same time, he explained why he was edgy--he's been working almost nothing but closing shifts recently and is frustrated about never being home and never seeing me and having to run around in the mornings to do anything he needs to do. Still, I worry. Like I said in my previous post, part of me just wishes that something would go wrong just so I would know that he would tell me about it. That's horrible to think.

I think the other reason I'm feeling so down these past couple of days is the fact that I went to the PO meeting on Thursday. The PO had suggested it on the previous visit because he had never met me, and I agreed to go with, and part of me is glad I did. But... always that but. It's one thing to discuss with D what is said in meetings and things he needs to work on and how he's accomplishing them and things he's having trouble with. It's another thing to have a very intimidating, older man (who was not how I pictured him at all, and rather...well, I don't know how to describe him other than kind of rough looking and not very kindly...and not to get on a tangent, but I know he's not there to be a friend, but it still just made me kind of uncomfortable) look at your husband and ask him if he was spending money on porn or just looking at freebies, reminding him of the fact that he's trying to keep society safe and that the things D was doing were gateways to really horrible offenses. It's one thing to hear about those things and it's another to actually hear them straight from the source...and it's even another thing to have the PO ask me if I knew about all of this before we were married, to comment that he's sure it's difficult to deal with this early in a marriage, to ask if we're still intimate sexually and make a pointed comment to D that you can have intimacy without sex. It's weird, but the thing that got me the most was when D asked for permission to cross state lines for work and for SAA, and I asked if he could also cross on occasion to do things with me like go shopping...and he just smiled and shook his head. That made it personal for me. It made it real.

It's so much easier to be one step removed from the process and to hear about it from D and then discuss only with him. For some reason, hearing this very intimidating person talk about how he has no reason to trust my husband (which, granted, he doesn't) and ask such personal questions of me made things so much more real. It's like for the first time (well, not the first...but getting it fresh again) I'm realizing that D wasn't just casually looking at porn, he was actively doing something very, very wrong. He broke the law. He's a criminal. And it doesn't just affect him, it affects my life too. And today, I just don't know how to deal with that. Part of me really wants to go with for the next meeting and court date in a couple weeks, but part of me never wants to go back to see the PO again, because it just makes things far too real. I can't just be the unknown wife of someone who screwed up, I have to be a face that (whatever he may say) is judged for sticking with a person who has done something bad. And it makes me angry. It makes me angry that for so long I thought we were done and past this, and now (even though it is, hopefully, finally getting us some progress) we're back at square one.

I don't want to be angry. I liked being able to talk about everything with D at night and have that be the extent of dealing with the problem, because the rest of the time I didn't have to be reminded that there was a problem. We could live our lives in relative normalcy. But now I'm haunted by the PO's face, the PO's words, the things he said and the way he said them every waking moment. I can't get it out of my head. Yesterday, I was sick to my stomach almost all day at the thought of the court date and jail and not being able to hire a private lawyer to help, but now I'm just haunted by the reality of it all. I can't get his face out of my head. I keep praying that God will just give me peace about the whole situation so we can kind of get back to where we were a few days ago, but I just can't stop thinking about the meeting. And thinking about the meeting makes me double think what's going on with D. I'm starting to get suspicious when I don't really have a reason to be. And that makes me angry not only at D for getting us in this mess, but at myself for not being able to accept that over which I have no control.

Here's a question: Is it possible to go from acting out one day to sober for a month with no relapses whatsoever? D says sometimes that he still gets urges, but I just imagined that they would be much more frequent and urgent than they seem to be right now. Maybe I'm just over thinking things. I really want to be less angry so that we can somehow begin rebuilding the trust that has been so destroyed by this addiction. Hopefully with time.