Two Days Later

Feeling a bit better today, now that I've had a couple of days to remove myself from everything that happened on Wednesday.  Basically just realizing that I have a month before we have to worry about it again so I can at least relax for a little while.  D and I had a bit of an argument last night, which really ended up turning into a big rant for him to complain about things he was frustrated with from his therapy class and life in general.  It was probably really good for him to get it all out, and he actually said a couple of things that did help me see how far he's come even in the last month--things that were much more mature and thoughtful and aware than I might have expected.  Trying to take it one day at a time and not think about things, because then I can feel much more normal. 

Back in Hell Again

Court date was today.  I drove up with D and went in with him for his meeting with the PO, which, though I was extremely apprehensive about attending given my reaction the last time I went, was actually alright.  The PO was not as intense as last time, in that he didn't ask personal questions of me or anything like that, but seemed more disconnected, which worried me a bit since we were gearing up for the court session later in the afternoon.  Last time we were there and D asked about what would happen in court today, the PO had been very open and kind about answering his questions, telling us what he was going to recommend to the judge, telling us what D would/would not be doing on this date, etc.  Today, he seemed rather distant and just told us that he couldn't give advice, and when D stated that from what he remembered, he would just go in, plead not guilty for the time being, and request a public defender, the PO's response was a gruff, "Well, she (the judge) doesn't have to grant you that.  If not, when you come back the next time you might have to hire a lawyer or just wing it on your own."  And then he really wouldn't say much else.  When D asked if the PO would be coming up to the hearing, he said he "might swing up there" but was usually not needed at such things and so probably would not be there.  We left the appointment, got lunch, and came back for the hearing.  

D counts things as a relative success, but I'm not so sure...and here's why. 

We arrived in the courtroom with the ten or so other people who had hearings to revoke probation or something similar at the same appointed time.  The judge was half an hour late in getting started, and by the time she did arrive, several many other probation officers were also in attendance.  Those people whose probation officers were present were called up to the judge first.  With each one, the judge brought them up, stated that they were up for petition to revoke sentence, and then asked the PO what they were recommending in this case.  In almost every situation, the judge didn't even have the person give a plea, but went with what the PO recommended right off the bat.  Even in a case where the person had apparently violated probation several times by not showing up to meetings and failing a urinalysis--a case where the PO stood up there and recommended that this person should probably go to jail for a little while because he seemed to have no motivation to correct himself and the external motivation they had given him wasn't working--even then, the judge told the guy to report daily for urinalysis between now and december 1, and if he stayed clean throughout that time, she would consider alternate sentences.  She seemed nice, kindly, and like she believed that each person there was a good person who could do better if they just tried. 

Then, at the end of the hour, those without POs present were called.  The first girl went up, stated she wanted a public defender, was asked about her income and told to go make an appointment.  Quick and clean and easy.  Then, it was D's turn....

When D's name was called, the judge told him that he was there for a petition to revoke suspended sentence, asked him if he had any questions about the petition, and saw that he wanted a public defender.  She opened his file, saw that for his initial offense he had a (very good, and quite expensive) private lawyer to represent him, and asked (rather accusingly) why he was not using that counsel this time.  He stated that he did not have the money to pay for a private counsel, and when the judge asked why, he answered that he had a new job that did not pay as much as previously, and that he was paying off a house, his car, his student loans, and my (his wife's) current schooling.  The judge's response (again, rather harsh and accusing sounding to me, compared with how she had dealt with those before us)..."Those are not reasons for getting a public defender.  How much do you make?"  When D answered, she simply told him he did not qualify for a public defender and that his next hearing would be next Monday and he needed to either get a lawyer or represent himself by then.  The only positive thing was that D requested to have the next hearing moved so he could provide adequate notice to his employer that he would be missing work, and though the judge at first said no, reconsidered and moved the next hearing to December first.  That was it.  We walked out with nothing to go on, no money for a lawyer, and (for me) a distinct feeling that the judge was not feeling very inclined to be kind, merciful, or lenient in his case.  

D felt like things were a success because he had at least gotten the next hearing date moved and will now at least have time to find a lawyer.  I felt like we were back in hell because of the judge's attitude.  I'm extremely angry at his PO right now, because everyone else who was there with their PO was simply granted the PO's recommended sentence without even dealing with a lawyer or another court date.  We know that D's PO is recommending another year of probation and some community service, so I can't help feeling that had he been present, we wouldn't even have to worry about anything else.  But here we are.  We really don't have money for an attorney...right now we're using my student loans to pay for D's student loans and even a couple of assorted small bills each month, because D's salary doesn't really cover all of our expenses.  Yet because we aren't living out on the street, we are going to either have to come up with money to get representation, or have D represent himself.  I can't help but feeling that representing himself is not a very good idea, given the judge's disposition today and the fact that the ultimate "bad" that could happen here if he does a poor job is that the judge ignores the PO's recommendation and sends him to jail.  

So now tomorrow we have to call a) D's previous lawyer to see if he will represent him again for a reduced price since the case is so short and simple and b) as many other lawyers in town as possible to see who can represent him decently without charging out the wazoo.  Also, I'll probably be heading up to financial aid to take out a further loan to pay for all this.  Again.  Back at square one.  Back in hell again.  Meanwhile, I'm terrified of what will happen on December first and between now and then, and so it's hard to act normal now that we're back home.  I'm trying to just not think about it and to take one step at a time--call the lawyer, etc.--because I can't just focus on nothing but this for the next month.  But it just seems that this time it might be even harder than ever.  

Meanwhile, D has another opportunity to go to SAA tonight, but doesn't seem to be going.  When I asked this morning if he planned on going tonight when we got back from everything, he said he would see depending on timing of everything.  When I asked him half an hour ago, he said he was hoping to just spend the night with me since we actually have some time together, because he had told everyone that he really wouldn't be able to start attending regularly until next week due to his work schedule.  I find this a little discouraging because today at the PO appointment he made a really big deal out of how much he got out of his first meeting and how he hoped to be pretty regular about going on Mondays and Wednesdays, but at least this time I'm not super stressed about it.  He said he would go if I want him to, but I told him it has to be something he wants to do himself, so it was his decision.  We'll see from here, I guess. 

Right now I am fighting my own battle, because throughout this process I have been able to remove myself enough to keep from truly experiencing the kind of fear and pain I am now.  Right now I feel a bit like a wounded animal...alone and unsure where to turn.  I know there's a month to go before our next step, and I know I will probably (hopefully) feel much better before then, but right now all I know is that my husband--my beautiful, thoughtful, gentle, caring, compassionate husband, who (though flawed) remains at some deep level the charismatic teenager I fell in love with--is making me dinner.  He is taking care of me at the most basic level, because I am so engrossed in my growing depression that I feel like I am only functioning halfway.  I have spent my night studying (making up for the fact that last night and today I have not done what I should, being consumed by our other activities), yet only half of my brain is concentrating.  The other half cannot stop hearing the judge.  Cannot stop picturing some indefinable future scenario when my husband calls and tells me that this is his one phone call because he is going away for six months, or a year.  Cannot stop wishing with every fiber of my soul that we could just wake up from this nightmare and go back to three years ago and prevent this from ever happening.  

I have often, throughout this long and harrowing process, thought that I should just give the whole thing up and leave.  There were several times, back when it all first began, that I came very close.  It would have been so much easier then, before we were married, to just break it off in the name of incompatibility or boredom.  But I stayed, believing that if half of our relationship was wonderful, I could maybe live with just that half.  Things are so much more complicated now, being married.  I fear that if things turn for the worst, I will be left alone and friendless.  That I will have to disclose the secret life I have led for the past two years to my family, and be humiliated.  That I will have to sell my home, that we have worked so hard for, and move in with my parents.  These are the fears that I struggle with every day, and these are why in my mind I sometimes wish I had left long ago before things got so deep and crazy.  But then, like yesterday, I look through our wedding pictures, and I remember how insanely, irrationally happy we both were (and still are, aside from this mess), and our promises to be here through everything.  For better or worse.  How much worse?  

 I read stories of other women whose partners are sex addicts and have participated in sex with prostitutes for years before they discover the addiction.  The very saddest thing about all this is that sometimes I wish, if it were going to be dictated that I travel this journey, it could have been so simple as that.  I almost wish that my husband had told me he had been with a hundred different women in the privacy of our own lives rather than one "less serious" action that has cost us so much to the legal system.  

Things are so very dark right now, but we both continue to pray.  Eventually, things have to get better--or so I must believe, or lose myself. 

Tomorrow

Things have continued to go well for the past week or so.  We actually had an entire day off on Saturday and  got to spend the whole day together...ran some errands, went out to dinner, the works.  It was great.  Not really too much to report otherwise, except that tomorrow is the court date, so I'm starting to get a little nervous, but continue to pray for peace and that everything will work out.  Probably sounds stupid, but in a way I actually look forward to the days we have to go to class or to meet the PO, because it gives us some unadulterated driving time when we can actually talk about the things that worry me, how D's been doing lately, etc.  It's kind of like my one chance a week to really get into the nitty-gritty details of how I've been feeling, whether good or bad, whether related to the recovery process or not.  Somehow there always seem to be questions that come up in my head throughout the week, and there isn't always a time that's good or available for us to talk about it (and talk about it to the point of resolution), so this provides a good time for me to sort of save up, write everything down or remember it, and have a solid batch of time to discuss it uninterrupted.  

Another late shift tonight... yuck. 

Follow-Up

As a follow-up to my codependent post the other day, just wanted to say that I feel like my prayer is definitely being answer.  I'm feeling much less worried about every little thing D does, and have come to a relative understanding that I don't need to push him into going to more meetings or anything...in fact, we had a great conversation yesterday and he was extremely positive about everything that he's been doing, so I don't think I'll even need to if I want.  Still waiting to see if he's going to meeting tonight.  Will update later. 

Co-Addiction

I've been struggling for a few days with the idea of co-addiction.  I've taken "quizzes" that are supposed to test whether or not you exhibit co-addict tendencies, and I feel like those attributes are not very much where I am.  I am not a classic co-dependent.  I consider myself to be a smart, independent, strong person.  But at the same time, I do exhibit some of those codie behaviors.  The worst one, I think, is that I desperately, unbelievably, painfully want to control D's recovery.  I want him to want to get better probably even more than he wants to get better--and I do believe he does.  He went to his first SAA meeting on Monday night.  This morning, when we "celebrated" his one month of sobriety, I asked if he was going to go to another meeting this week.  He said he didn't know, would see if he could schedule-wise.  When I pointed out that he gets off of work early enough on Friday to go to a meeting, he seemed to kind of brush it off, saying that he thought we already had plans for Friday (which we sort of do, but nothing is in stone and I would be fine with his going to SAA instead for an hour and a half).  Part of me (the part that I think might be the codependent) got a little upset about this, because I felt like he wasn't taking his recovery seriously.  I've been doing so much reading about recovery lately--started reading other blogs of SA's and codependents, checked other 12-step groups' websites, etc.--that I think I've got this crazy big picture about how it's all going to work.  What I have to keep reminding myself is that we're just not there yet.  The fact that D's been sober for a month is a HUGE milestone.  I can't exactly expect him to be picking a sponsor and working the steps and all when he's only been to one meeting.  All I can do is pray that God will make him want to go back.  When he cam home from Monday, that seemed to be the case.  It's just hard for me to sit back and let him control it, because I so want him to just want to go all the time.  

The other part of me that I think might be a codependent is the part of me that continues to want to check up on D.  The part of me that still believes that there's something he's hiding somewhere.  That he's only saying he's sober, that he's lying about not acting out.  There's still part of me that thinks it can't just be that easy, and so that part of me checks our cell phone bill once a day to see if there have been any questionable texts or calls.  Part of me that must be restrained from checking even his work e-mail, which has never revealed anything suspicious since it's firewalled.  These are the behaviors that I'd really like to stop.  I think it will continue to get easier once D is more firmly into SAA.  I (like him) would really love if he could stop going to his counseling classes (that are required for his probation) and be able to switch over to SAA instead, especially once he finds a sponsor and starts working the steps seriously.  I doubt the powers that be will let that happen, but he just doesn't seem to be doing much in classes any more since his counselor has stopped giving him official assignments, and I am hopeful that doing a first step presentation, making a list of the people he's hurt and how he can help them, making that moral inventory of his character defects, all the other things I read about people in SAA doing...I'm hoping (and really thinking) that will do more than anything he's ever done in classes, even when he was being honest in his assignments. 

God, give me peace.  Help me to realize that as much as I can encourage, I cannot control others.  Help D to want to go back to SAA and to gain encouragement and support and strength to continue in his sobriety.  Help us both to seek you as a source of help to take on each day.  

One Month

Today is one month sober for D.  He says he hasn't acted out since the last time I found him texting.  He didn't seem as excited as I was when I mentioned it this morning, which kind of disheartened me a bit, but still...it's a big step.  I'm hoping he goes to SA again on Friday.  

SAA

D attended his first SAA meeting tonight, and was very positive about the whole experience.  He said it was very welcoming, he finally felt like he was in a place where he wouldn't get judged, and could be up front and honest about everything and get some help he really needed.  I think the biggest thing that impressed upon me, though, was one particular thing he said.  He said that one of the things that impressed upon him was that people were talking about things they had done and where they had been with their addictions, and he said it was amazing, because all of the things they were saying were things he could relate to--things he had done.  He said people talked about how they lied by omission, manipulated those around them, etc., and he was just like, "yes! yes! that's me!"  I felt really encouraged by the fact that he saw himself in their problems, maybe because I think it will help him to even more fully confront his addiction.  He also seemed much happier to go to this group because there are more people of his age and socio-economic background than in his counseling group.  Also, I think, it's nice for him to go to a group that is there just for support--one that is there not to fix him, but to help him and support him as he fixes himself.  His counseling group is so centered on the idea of "making you better," I think, and so focused on the offenses of those involved, that it's hard to get around that.  I'm hoping that the fact that this is separate from the offense will help him to fight the addiction for the sake of fighting for the addiction, and not just because his counselor or PO is breathing down his neck.  He seemed very excited also that the SAA groups were so available--there are several during the week that he can attend very easily around his work schedule, and he himself made the comment that he likes the idea much better of being able to go to one of those very quickly and get support after having a rough day or temptations or slip-ups rather than having to just muddle through a week to report in at a group that will see those things more as failures or even crimes.  I'm hoping he stays as happy about it as he is now, and continues to want to go.  He's been "recommended" to go twice a week...but part of me is holding my breath to see if he ends up going even more just because he wants to.  This week that probably won't be possible because he's still working closing shifts almost every night, but maybe in the future.  

Still unsure of whether or not I'll drive with him to his next PO appointment and court date.  Part of me really wants to go just for the drive time--it's almost 2 hours away, and so it's one of the only times a week we can really sit down and have long term discussions, usually about how things are going with the addiction/acting out/the offense/etc...and that usually helps me to not think about it so much the rest of the week other than when we check in each day.  On the other hand...I have class that afternoon that I would have to skip (and probably could, but would feel bad about ditching my group), and I'm not sure how I would be able to handle waiting on the court thing to be over.  We'll see when the time comes, I guess.