Picture-rama

One of the greatest joys I've found in having some financial stability again is that I have a little extra money to pursue one of my all-time favorite hobbies--scrapbooking.  I used to scrapbook like crazy  In high school, I documented everything in pictures and spent oodles of cash at the local scrapbook store finding the perfect papers and stickers and cutouts.  In college, I didn't have the time or money to really keep up with it anymore, and so my lovely little "University" scrapbook has sat empty for nigh on these many years.  I have pictures from a trip to Europe several years ago that have languished on my computer along with shots from my wedding, honeymoon, family vacations, and random nights out.  When my computer died a few weeks ago and the retrieval of my hard-drive's contents was unsure, I felt almost sick about all this--that I might lose all these precious pictures that were the tactile reminders of happy memories, never having had the chance to print them and document them appropriately.  When the hard drive was saved, I promised that one of the first things I would do when we got our tax refund was to start printing pictures.  

It's now spring break, we have our money, and I have my computer back.  A few days ago, I sat with my external hard drive where things were backed up and transferred over 4,000 pictures back to my mac.  When iPhoto opened, each picture flashed in front of me from a split second as they loaded, and it was a surreal experience--my life, quite literally flashing before my eyes.  And as I watched each moment go by, I thought about how if life really does flash before your eyes when you die, that I would be ok if it looked like this, with all of these pictures--my little sister smiling on her graduation day, me in front of the Trevi fountain, my former teammates laughing, my entire family crammed together for an impromptu beach shot, the close-ups of stupid-happy giddy smiles that mark self-portrait pictures taken the moment after D and I got engaged, my first view of the flowers on my wedding day, our first dance, our honeymoon hikes, my dog and parents and grandparents and family and friends.  Christmases, vacations, school.  All of them happy.  All of them smiling.  

Sometimes it's so easy to get bogged down in a dreary moment, or day, or week.  There are times I let myself get so hung up on the little (or big) things that just aren't going right that it's hard to see the big picture.  But the big picture is really just a series of small ones--all those happy moments that remind me that even in the darkest of days my life has been pretty darn amazing so far and stands to continue in that direction if I just relax and let it happen and find the picture-perfect memories still interwoven with everything else. 

GiST

1. Spending an entire day yesterday with D, in which neither of us had to study/work/be anywhere or do anything other than what we came up with on the spot. 

2. Ending that day with a fabulous talk in bed, in which we candidly discussed the good things in our lives, and encouraged each other with ideas to deal with the bad ones.  

3. A new best friend who balances out my insecurities perfectly and helps me feel brave enough to overcome them.  

4. A week off and an all-day shopping spree. 

5. Government money that has paid off our car and credit card debt. 

I feel refreshed today, and I think it's partially because it's Spring Break, but also from a bunch of other things.  A friend looked at me on Saturday and pointed out that he could tell I was on break, because I was happy.  He could tell I was not worrying about the next study session or test or whatnot.  I guess sometimes you don't realize just how stressed you are until you aren't.  As a result, I'm going to fully indulge in these few days off and plan out some fun activities for the next few weeks (especially now that it's legitimately becoming spring!) to help stave off that level of stress from creeping up on me again. 

Tulips.

I have become re-obsessed with decorating.  There are so many things I want to do to make my house look "finished"--most of them small, but all the small things seem to add up pretty quickly into a lot.  But yesterday, after I cleaned up the place, I ran to the grocery store to pick up a couple of things, and they had bouquets of tulips on sale for $5.  I bought a bouquet of orange ones, and they are now enshrined in the middle of my kitchen table, and they make me happier than should probably be allowed. 

Maybe it's just that spring is finally here. :-)

Getting Fit

One of the myriad things that happened in my last months hiatus was my acquisition (finally!) of a Wii Fit, thanks to a dear friend who was insane enough to be driving around out in the middle of the ice storm about a month ago.  I didn't write about it then, because as soon as he retrieved it for me, our Wii up and died.  So it had to get sent off and fixed and now is back, and so I finally got to try out the Wii fit for the first time a couple of nights ago.  Let me tell you folks, I consider myself to be a pretty in-shape person--I was an athlete all growing up and, while I haven't exactly been religious about it since I began graduate school, have been at least relatively attentive to my staying-in-shape needs.  So let it come as no small thing when I say I was in significant pain the day after my first little twenty minute workout.  

The thing is, it didn't feel like I even did anything!  Ten reps each of some strengthening exercises, two cardio drills and as much yoga as I could do (you have to unlock a lot of things in the game before you have access to an entire workout).  When I finished, I even thought it had been too easy, that I wasn't going to get as much out of this as I thought.  Clearly, I was wrong.  Apparently the whole stress on balance and center of gravity and core strength worked my body in ways I was not only unused to, but completely unprepared for.  

Final review:  If you, like me, have little time and money to get to a gym, I highly, highly recommend Wii Fit--just don't go into it all naive like I did, lest you not be able to move the next day. 

Job Interviews

I just realized it's now been over a month since I've written.  I guess you could say that's a good thing, since generally my desire to write stems from my desire to work out problems that are too big to deal with in my head.  In fact, I'd say it's been quite a good thing that I haven't had one of those oh-my-god-i-can't-think-so-angry/sad/frustrated/whatever-have-to-vent-somewhere kind of days in a long while.  Maybe this whole working on myself thing is actually....well, you know, working. 

We've been through a fair number of ups and downs in the past month.  Things have, overall, been going very well, with the downs coming from two job interviews D has had.  Both interviews were for promotions at his current employer, which, according to all of his bosses, he was the best candidate for.  When he interviewed for the first position, he was thrilled with his interview performance and relatively sure that he would be a top choice.  When the interviewers called the next day, they informed him that he had had the best interview, the best ideas, he was the most prepared and enthusiastic and qualified--but he was number two.  The winner, instead, was a candidate considered by many to be the least qualified of the bunch in the area of management skill, but the most qualified in terms of hair color and southern drawl and bust size.  (Sorry, I sound bitchy.  I'm trying desperately to get over it.)  D was understandably frustrated but actually took the whole thing with far more grace than I expected--far more than I exhibited, in any case--and moved on to the next opportunity.  This time, another candidate from out-of-state with far more experience surprisingly applied and experience won out.  

All of this has indeed been frustrating, but it's also brought some interesting factors to light.  Throughout the whole process, D has been gracious and accepting and positive, more so than I would have ever imagined.  I, on the other hand, have been ungracious, upset, and angry (though not necessarily to his face).  And I realized, thinking about my unnecessary anger in the face of D's all-around Zen attitude, that this is just another little aspect of my control freak trying to ooze her way back out through the cracks.  Here I thought I was doing really well and making strides in my efforts to accept the things I can't change, and this whole job scenario just goes to show that I am still just trudging along.  I get upset, you see, because I want to shelter him from feeling upset. I hate when other people are upset--and I've always, always seen it as my personal duty to bring them back to a happy place.  I have worked to focus on my own feelings when others are out of whack, but I cannot bear to see them disappointed, and so I try to take ownership of something that was never my problem.  I can certainly empathize with my husband and do what I can in terms of support, but I think I've gone beyond that now and am currently reaching into the realms of codie mind tricks.  So now I'm just trying to reconcile to myself the fact that things will not always go perfectly, for me or D or anybody else for that matter, but when those things are not of my own doing then they are not my responsibility to fix.  I can't change the interview selection.  I can't even go yell at the idiots doing the selecting because that won't do any good.  I just have to accept that it's not my battle and keep working on doing what I can do to find happiness no matter what idiocy goes on around me. 

Snowed In

We've been living through the craziest winter storm in my living memory  for the past several days.  Snow, ice, more snow.  Thousands of people still don't have power 3 days after it went out--it's too cold for that.  I thank God more every day that we bought a house on a major street that gets turned on first.  School has been cancelled since Tuesday, but we're of course still responsible for all the material, so we've all essentially been studying like nutcases on our own all week, going crazy from the cabin fever and white nothingness outside our doors.  My dog doesn't even like going outside right now--the fluffy snow doesn't bother her, but she falls through the ice and slides.  There are trees down everywhere.  

All this combined has put me in a rough mood for the past few days.  I was just cranky and irritable and suspicious and all-around nasty sometimes.  That's when I thank God that even when I have terrible slips in attitude, D shows how much progress he's making by sitting down and talking it out with me, letting me be upset for no reason and patiently reasoning with me that we both need to step back and be more positive again.  So this morning I tried going back to my routine of prayer/meditation when I get up in the morning, and oh what a difference it has made today.  It's like the person I was for the past couple of days had forgotten the person I had been learning to be before that.  It's nice to relax a little more again and just do what I need to do--which, today, was get out of the house and do some shopping with my mom.  Tomorrow, going out for sushi with some friends.  

GiST:

• Today, I am grateful for my higher power for helping me get back on track, and for keeping me motivated to study all week rather than getting to next week and being completely overwhelmed with all the catching up that will have to be done.  

Grace in the Biggest of Small Things

Just one today, because it feels like the weather...impossibly sunny and warm in the midst of the cold and dark. 

1. Yesterday, at D's PO appointment, he turned to me completely unprompted and apologized for the disrespect he'd shown me with all of his crazy lies over the years, for insulting my intelligence by insinuating that I was stupid enough to believe them all.  

I cried.  

I think that counts for five.