Lying

I think if you ask the partner of anyone involved with sex addiction, you will find that their biggest problem with the whole thing is the lies.  For me, this is certainly the case.  The fact that D has been involved with porn, internet chats, dating websites, and texting other women for several years now has much less of a devastating affect on me than does the lying.  The number of times that I would find some evidence of his behavior and he would somehow explain them away, and then accuse me of being untrusting, or accusatory, or snooping, or intrusive.  The pain that I experience now comes mainly from the fact that some days it is so easy to believe what he says about his new steps to recovery, but some days I am distraught with the idea that he may yet still be lying.  He still may not fully have admitted his need for help.  He may still just be only going through the motions.  He may still be finding new, secret ways to act out.  The fact that we are doing daily check-ins and he shares any urges or problems with me is helpful.  But there are still times when the little voice in the back of my mind says, "what if?"  What if he is only telling you this to make you think everything is getting better?  What if he is only saying this to make it seem ok?  But yet, if I can't ever believe that he has had a good day, I don't know how we will ever recover from this awful mess.  

Today is a hard day.  I am really down because of the idea of the upcoming court date.  D claims to have been sober for almost 4 weeks with no acting out.  I almost wish he would tell me he has had a relapse, just so I would know if he can actually bring himself to be honest with me if that happens.  

The good news: Yesterday in the car on the way to the PO meeting, he admitted that he had never fully taken responsibility for his offense.  He had always in some way justified it to himself that while he had made a mistake, his victim was partially to blame.  Yesterday he said that he was the adult, and at some point he made the decision, and that was fully on him.  Here's hoping he really does mean that in his heart.