Thoughts

After doing some procrastinating blog-reading tonight (I should be studying for an exam on Monday, but alas...not so appetizing), I have stumbled across a couple of blogs that have given me a great deal of two things--recognition and hope.  Both MPJ and Sophie in the Moonlight  have written a great deal that resonated with me so much, but what they wrote about that I identified with the most was the idea that I am not insane for loving my husband through his imperfections, for seeing the good and wonderful man he still is despite his flaws.  I have been told many times by many people that I should ditch my husband--not necessarily because they knew of his addiction (of which I have really only truly known or recognized for about two months now), but because they recognized the problematic behaviors in which he engaged, and sometimes because they recognized the pain in me that the behaviors were causing.  People have said that I deserved better, that they didn't understand why I stayed, etc. etc. etc.  And every time, all I could think was that they didn't know what I knew.  They couldn't see beyond the behaviors, they didn't experience the nights full of laughter, the afternoons chasing each other down the grocery store aisle, the tender conversations over dinner, the intellectually stimulating political debates, the times when we would lie on the couch and just stare in each other's eyes and connect so intimately without words or even actions.  And because they didn't know that person, I can understand at least somewhat why they would discourage the relationship that they thought was so toxic.  But that's the problem...they just didn't know.  And because they didn't know, I have long subjected myself to wondering if I really am crazy for staying.  It's nice to hear stories of other people who have stayed, despite the pain and doubt and insanity, because they also knew that underneath the problems was a beautiful person, and even a potentially (or actually) beautiful relationship.  

One of the things I have struggled with for a little while is the fact that whenever D's addictive behaviors would show themselves (even long before either of us recognized them as addictive), I would, in one way or another, threaten to leave.  When he was first arrested, I threatened to leave.  When I stayed instead, I told him that if he ever engaged in the old behaviors again, I was done.  When I found more conversations, texts, or other evidence of relapse, he apologized, and I told him once more that I couldn't take it any more--any more and I was out.  On the day after our wedding, when I found an online conversation, I wept and told him that if he had not meant anything from the day before that I would walk out.  Yet over and over again, I have stuck around because over and over again I could still see the man I loved.  Despite the recognition that I was not following through with my threats, despite doubts that if I didn't leave he would just continue his behaviors (knowing my threats were empty)...I stayed because I wanted desperately to believe that the part of D that was my husband could someday be the only part.   

I firmly believe we are on our way to D becoming the best parts of himself.  Despite our struggles, despite the fears that I struggle with daily, we are working toward that goal.  And as long as we are, I can find strength to stay.  It is wonderful to know that there are others who have made the journey, too.