If it was just the wedding, I honestly don't mind going. I mean, I hate to be somewhere with music and dancing and have no one to dance with, but I can handle that part. The main reason I don't want to go is because it leaves D alone for the entire weekend, which is a huge trigger for him. When he gets lonely, angry, frustrated, tired, and feels powerless in a situation--these are his biggest triggers, and each of them will be exacerbated by this trip. He feels angry and frustrated that I was basically made to go and did not stand up for myself better, but powerless because there is nothing he can do to change it. And of course, without me there, he will probably be lonely and of course there will be times when he is tired. It's just one big ball of triggers. And so I am scared that I will leave and he will not set up enough activities or things to do to prevent something from happening. I know that he has plans for Saturday--he works that morning, and has a friend's graduation party to attend in the afternoon. But I'm still scared. I am trying desperately to let go of my fear and repeating to myself over and over that I cannot control what happens to him, but as of now it's not helping much.
I see the progress he has made, hear him talk to his PO about making changes to his underlying thought processes rather than just stopping behaviors, and I feel encouraged. It's just that it will be so easy to pick up the phone on Saturday night or Sunday afternoon and find an old number to text or call--and so my brain is running rampant with the theoretical possibilities, even as I try to convince it that theory is not reality.
2 comments:
I can relate - I do relate - our history has taught us much about expectations and re-programing ourselves is difficult - have a good experience!
Yup,
I fear going out of town, too. Bowser has relapsed more than once during my absence. Plus, he's acted out while on business trips. Grrrrr.
It's been a long time since either of those have happened. He's even started finding SA meetings to attend while he's in another city to keep him on his chosen path. That's a huge step for him.
I've learned that I cannot control him or his choices. It's not my job. If I'm responsible for him, then, one by one, I start feeling responsible for the other 6 billion people in the world. That's waaaaayyyyy too much pressure for me. If I let go and just worry about me, then I've only got one crazy person to keep track of. Much easier.
Funny thing is that when I'm not looking over his shoulder at every turn, Bowser does better. He feels more responsible for himself and his own actions and has said that knowing HE is the only one who makes and bears the consequences for his actions helps keep his compass pointed in the right direction. That was an enlightening conversation!
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