Looking for Reasons

I've been feeling suspicious the last couple of days.  It's not because of anything that's happened, necessarily, it's just there.  I've been trying to be introspective and figure out what feelings are behind this, but I'm having trouble, so of course I turn to writing to see if there's anything lurking in my brain that my subconscious is hiding from me but that my fingers might unwittingly be aware of.  

Part of it, I think, is that things have been going well lately.  Yes, you read that right, but remember I'm a crazy person--I think part of the discomfort I'm feeling is because I am not used to things going this well for this long without something being hidden beneath the surface, making it all a farce.  If things feel good, there must be something terribly wrong going on that I just haven't brought to light yet.  I don't know if this is true or not, but I think my brain almost doesn't know what to do without some form of upheaval or tension brewing.   The sad thing is that I don't think anything sinister is happening, but I am having to use everything in my power to prevent myself from completely backsliding.  I've been checking the e-mail more, recently.  It makes me uncomfortable because I know that I will always find something if I look hard enough, even if nothing is there at all.  The one good thing is that I've kept myself from checking the phone records, which are my biggest and baddest trigger.  

I pray every morning and every night for help to let go, but in between my brain and my codie self remind me that if I am keeping on top of things and making sure D's recovery goes well, then no one else will and it will fail and things will spiral out of control and back into madness.  Except it doesn't work that way--and the rational part of me remembers how poorly things go when I try to control everything.  And so I take to simply repeating my newfound mantras in my head, over and over, until the fears and suspicions and compulsions are drowned out or go away--there are no what ifs, I cannot control others, I am a strong and valid person.  Now if I could just convince myself it was all true, I'd be golden. 

Back from the asylum

And...another exam week has come and gone.  Thank God that one's over.  This was possibly the roughest two weeks of my graduate career--I studied more information in more detail and longer than I think I ever have, and it culminated with eight hours of exams on Friday.  I have never in my life been physically tired from a test, even from the hardest ones--but yesterday and today I have slept like my life depended on it.  Now I feel refreshed and--if not quite ready to go back to classes--at least no longer completely depressed about the idea of arriving nice and early tomorrow.  

In between the long (and much needed) episodes of sleep, the weekend has managed to be extremely fun and productive.  My school had a party for the graduate students after our exams Friday night, and D and I were both able to go and dance and enjoy ourselves for a bit.  It was so pleasant--events like this are not D's thing, and in the past whenever I'd ask him to go he would agree but then (often) make my night completely unenjoyable because he clearly did not want to be there.  He would purposely make us late, be visibly annoyed or upset, and I would inevitably let it ruin my evening.  Friday night I was determined to utilize some of the tools I'm learning in recovery and have a good night for myself no matter what he did/said/felt/looked like.  Keeping his mood from affecting mine, as it were, which is a big project for me right now. As it turned out, the evening was wonderful.  I had a great time with my colleagues and enjoyed the night for myself.  While D probably wasn't the most thrilled person in the world to be dressed up and introduced to dozens of people in a loud room, he was polite and enthusiastic and lovely, and the best part was I think I would have enjoyed myself even if he weren't (though it was certainly an added bonus).  

Yesterday I took advantage of my study-free day and found some new professional-wear for my internship this summer (what I had was beginning to get too small or had moth holes).  It's amazing what a good pencil skirt and heels can do for my mood.  Tomorrow it's back to the grindstone, but for now I'm just going to sit back and enjoy my momentarily un-scheduled life. 

An interesting situation arose for us on Saturday night.  We went out with friends, had a lovely dinner and watched a movie at someone's home, enjoying the company and some homemade wine.  Afterward, we ended up having to drive one of D's closest friends home because he'd had too much.  I normally wouldn't have thought much of this--we've all been there at one point or another, and sometimes time gets away from you.  However, there were several things said on the drive home that led both D and I to believe that our good friend V may be (or may be becoming) an alcoholic.  D spent a great deal of the drive talking to V, and ended up trying to give some general advice without specifically mentioning addiction.  As I sat in the backseat, it was more than a little uncomfortable to see D in a position I am all too familiar with--the helper/savior/friend who tries to reason an addict out of addictive behavior.  Honestly, he did a pretty good job dealing with the situation, but it was incredibly hard for me not to just step in and scream that nothing he was saying would do any good if V doesn't want to stop drinking for himself.  I asked D later to be careful--because I'd been there.  I know now that helping is not always possible.  And I don't want to see D get burned.  And then I remembered the things I've been working on, and took a step back.  

And so I sit back and remember that it's not my job to control anyone's behavior--D's with regard to SA, V's with regard to alcohol, or even D's with regard to helping/codependence.  I'm finding more strength every day in working my own recovery, and so whatever happens to my friend I leave to my (and his) higher power (but any prayer/good thoughts/karma you might have to send his way would, of course, be appreciated).  

Rain

It's raining here.  It started a couple of days ago and is supposed to continue through the weekend, with more due later next week.  It feels so good.  I told a good friend the other day how excited I was that it was raining, and she looked at me like I was nuts.  "But you hate rain!" she exclaimed.  

That's not entirely true--I only hate rain sometimes.  There's such a difference, you see, between winter rain and summer rain.  This is the first good summer rain we've had this season.  Winter rain is a slap in the face, the exclamation point at the end of the nasty weather sentence.  I hate rain in the winter because I hate the cold.  When it's cold, rain only makes it colder.  It makes it impossible to ever get warm.  You walk around outside for even a minute and your pants are soaked and it would take an inferno to get you thawed out.  Rain in the winter also freezes and makes it hard to get anywhere.  It's sinister, malevolent, and reminds me (who loves the heat) just how far I am from feeling comfortable and cozy and happy.  

Summer rain is a different beast.  I love summer.  I love the heat and the long days and the flowers and the smell of cut grass.  I love the beach and the pool, grilling out and stopping for ice cream.  I even love the rain.  Rain in the summer is fresh--it has purpose and potential, renewing the landscape and relieving the awful burden of heat and drought.  Rain in the summer feels like relief.  In the winter, rain makes everything so gray--in the summer and spring it seems to only make the greens even greener, colors brighter against the darker backdrop.  It is benevolent and reminds me to slow down and just listen to the drops.  It feels good as it splashes on my bare legs and flip-flops.  It makes me feel alive. 

This week has been the first summer rain of this season.  Things are automatically turning greener, and that fabulous smell that just says "spring" is in the air.  I can pop open my umbrella without shivering and there is so much potential in the air for the summer that it feels like the clouds are going to explode with it.  It's a good, clean, content feeling.  

I always feel my best in the summer.  For this one, my plans are set and I feel like I'm moving forward in a lot of good ways.  This year especially I am more than ready.  

Summer

Just wanted to post that I got the internship I was hoping for for this summer!  I'm very, very excited...I would post more details but just about anything I say about it would probably be unwise for anonymity's sake.  Let's just say I'll be getting a lot of hands-on experience for my future career much earlier than I usually would and working with some really awesome people.  

Hooray!

Taking Action

After my last post, I decided it was time to get my butt into gear and stop sitting around worrying about all my problems and actually do something about them.  I went through my old e-mails and realized just how long it had been since I'd attended an online meeting.  Reading through all of the "topic" emails, I realized how much even just reading those little topics gives me something to focus on and work toward for a week.  I also signed onto the JWC for the first time in a long while, and it was like fate was waiting for me.  A long time ago, several people on the SA Codies board had been discussing starting a group and working through the Recovery Nation program together.  I had been interested, but in the absence of my computer and my general lack of participation over the past few months, I had all but forgotten about it.  When I signed in, there was an invitation just waiting for me.  I decided to give it a shot, and so far I've worked through the first couple of exercises.  I think this is going to be an incredibly good thing for me--just reading through the introduction to the partner's program got me really excited, mainly because it felt like it was literally written for me and my situation and my very own personal issues.  

The exercise the group is currently working on is a simple one, but far more difficult than I initially thought it would be.  The idea is to create a vision for your life, in any aspects that you can imagine.  To sit back and picture what values you used to have that drove your life and how you want to use those values in the future, how you want to put little things into practice to make your life the life you want.  I've written a lot down about it, but keep going back and revising as I think more about who I am and what I want.  It's the most liberating feeling--ever since D and I both started down this recovery road, I've been focusing on and off (or rather, trying to focus on, then forgetting, slipping, etc. and then trying to remember to focus) on the idea of "what I want."  As the world's biggest people pleaser, this has never been easy, but writing it out this way is pretty empowering.  It makes me feel much more directed and motivated and ready to tackle myself again.  

Two Steps Back

Ugh.  Here we are again.  D had a PO appointment yesterday and I drove along, being on spring break and all.  Usually when I go, I look at it as a rare opportunity to spend some quality time together in the car since it essentially takes all day, between driving to the PO's office (which is about 2 hours away from where we live now), then driving to his counseling class (which is an hour away from there), then home.  Normally I rush out of class, skipping lectures sometimes to get home in time to leave with him.  Yesterday, I was almost sick at the thought of going.  

I'm not sure why I was so upset about it--maybe because the past several times I've gone, I've convinced myself that there's just no way I have time to go in to the meeting with D.  I tell him each time that I'll have to use that time to study.  Usually, he asks me to go in with him once we arrive and by then I accede, knowing that he values the support so much.  The PO likes me, and likes when I come because he sees it as proof that D is establishing a support system and being held to honesty about what's happened in his past week, proof that we are tackling this problem together rather than (like on the last go-round) D just skipping along without tackling his problems at all.  So I usually go in, but I don't usually think about it until right at the moment when it comes time to go in.  I think that makes it easier because then I don't have time to concentrate so much on the fears--fear of being seen in the courthouse of my old city by someone who knows me, fear of the judgment that I'm sure people in the probation office make of me (the crazy wife who stayed with the sex addict, what an idiot/mental case she must be), fear of D being judged too harshly.  Yesterday I was feeling all of those fears from the get-go.  

D knew something was up because I cannot hide my feelings well.  For once, I was up front about my feelings, but that of course upset him because he was actually feeling really good about the day, with nothing negative to report to the PO.  We talked most of the way to the meeting about how lately I've just been feeling myself slip a little bit at a time.  In general, things have been going really well--I'm on break, I feel refreshed and happy, life is good--but in between those things I have been cracking a bit.  I have been negative, angry, reactive, and I have been falling back into that place where my worries and insecurities control me and I in turn become a control freak.  The insecurities have been hanging on my back whispering sweet-nothings in my ear for a month or two now, and for the most part I've been ignoring their presence but it's building and getting harder.  I've gotten frustrated with the lack of progress that's been going on for me--especially in light of D, who seems to be the model of progress lately.  It's obvious that he has a new outlook on life, that his reactions and thought processes have legitimately changed from his old way of thinking.  For a while, I felt that that was also true for me, but lately it's just been one step forward, two steps back.  

He encouraged me to think positively, like he'd been trying to do.  He gave some examples of things that have helped him change his thought processes.  He saw into the heart of the problem and encouraged me to let go of all the fears that I live in daily and just live.  I listened--but yet here I sit today feeling better but still not better.  And I know that all of this craziness is really making life worse for me and for D, because it's starting to get to the point where I'm just acting out again, trying to control everyone and everything around me and freaking out if any tiny thing upsets the perfect balance of what I've put in place.  I've tried praying, meditating, asking my higher power to help me let go of all this and find some means of crawling my way back to the peace I had a pretty good hand on a while back, but then the horrible negative thoughts creep their way back into my brain and here I am.  I'm going to try going back to my online COSA meetings, which I'd been neglecting for a while because of workload, but maybe that's what I need to get myself straight again.  At the very least, it can't hurt.