Thursday, October 15, 2009

Moving On

Over the course of the past month or so, I have slowly realized that I am beginning to reach a new stage in life. More and more each week, I am realizing just how sick and tired I am of dealing with sex addiction--not necessarily D's addiction in particular, nor his recovery or our recovery or my recovery individually--just the whole topic. I have gradually grown weary of focusing so much time and energy on this "thing" that was once such a central issue in my life. I am ready in many ways to simply move on from what has happened in our past, but I find myself at a loss to explain how best to do so. It's an interesting conundrum.

At first, I was a little scared of the idea of this change (how very codependent of me) because I was concerned that being ready to move on meant that I didn't want to face my own reality. After all, if I just start acting like none of this ever happened, won't it all just happen again? Wasn't that what got me into trouble in the first place, ignoring all the bad things that were going on for the sake of keeping the peace? But I don't think that's it, really--I still react to things like D's computer use and phone as I did before, and check in as I feel is necessary. But in this readiness to move forward beyond SA I feel like (without any major impetus or conscious decision on my part) I am suddenly more ok with the idea that I do not have to police D's behavior, and with the knowledge that I will be ok whether he does or does not act out in the future.

Part of me also worries that I'm deluding myself--isn't recovery a life-long process that requires going to meetings and/or counseling forever to stay healthy? Is it possible for people to simply move on and use what they've learned on a daily basis, gradually detaching from the stringent programs that helped them get well like a drug addict weaning off meds? I suppose many people would disagree with me, but I feel like I've been integrating my program much more into my daily life, and the more I do so the less I feel the need to utilize the same resources I desperately required in the early stages of this process. Witness this: D and I are taking a trip next spring on our own, and when we booked the tickets my first fear was that my mother would somehow be upset--upset that we weren't taking her, upset that we would be gone during a time that other family members will be in town, etc. Luckily, while the guilty feeling in my stomach didn't go away immediately, my brain kicked into gear and reminded me that I am an adult, allowed to take a trip if I so choose without having to worry about others' responses or happiness. It was a liberating feeling to utilize a healthy behavior so quickly and naturally--I didn't think I had it in me. And yet, there it was right when I needed it.

And so I find myself at a crossroads, more interested in the solution--in practicing my spirituality, in taking care of myself, etc.--than the problem, and it's a little scary to find myself turning my back on something that has always seemed like a hulking monster barely kept at bay with my utmost effort. I worry that maybe this is dangerous, that I will lull myself into comfort and complacency only to get burned again, but it just feels so darn right that I can't help but run with it.

I'd be interested to hear if anyone else out there has had this experience of just not wanting to think/hear/feel about SA any more (in a good way). What thoughts have you, world?