Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Fear and Letting Go

I've felt much better the past couple of days--we got home very late on Sunday ad things worked out where D didn't have to come pick me up from the airport, which alleviated a great deal of stress.  I'm still dealing with some residual fear about the fact that he has not yet reached his PO to discuss the "mandatory" drug test that is supposed to take place Wednesday, but to which he cannot go because, since Monday was a holiday, his company will not let anyone leave early any day this week.  This whole situation is scary because if he can't get hold of the office today, and he cannot go to the appointment tomorrow, I worry that they will consider him in violation of his probation, when for the past 9 months he has so perfectly followed every minute detail of his terms.  

And yet as I sit here thinking about it and allowing myself to wallow in fear and doubt and trepidation about the future, I realize that I am focusing solely on him and what is going on with his recovery and how he will deal with this situation and wanting to check in and make sure he has called the office this morning--etc.  I made a promise to myself, back when I really got serious about my own recovery, that I would stop that.  That I would focus on me.  That I would let go of the things I couldn't control.  This is certainly something I can't control, but all this weekend that thought alone has been unsatisfying.  This morning, however, a stopover at MPJ's blog led to some insight about some of the other meanings of the oft-repeated recovery phrase, "Let go and Let God."  I think the one she described that hit home the most for me was, "Let go of fear and let God soothe."  I cannot control this situation, but that very fact only makes me more afraid of it.  What I need to do today is let go of this fear and allow God to take care of not only the situation, but also of me.  

Friday, May 22, 2009


I am sitting in a hotel room in a tiny, tiny town far away from home--and far away from anything, awaiting my cousin's wedding tomorrow.  Some of the family is here or arriving tomorrow, but I am on my own tonight because D could not come along and my mom and sister do not arrive until tomorrow.  The place we are all staying is very small and has frustratingly little to do or see.  I am tired, out of my normal time zone, my joints ache from the plane ride and I am annoyed that I was essentially forced into coming here and stewing in anger and frustration at the whole scenario.  

Add to this the fact that late Thursday evening my mother sprung on me the idea that D would need to pick me up from the airport on Sunday when we return because she' not sure everyone's luggage will fit in her car on the way home.  Not that this seems like a big deal, except that the airport we flew through is in a neighboring state, and D is not allowed to cross state lines without permission from his PO.  Which left him Friday to try to call and get hold of someone to give him permission.  No one returned his call, and now I am even more angry and frustrated because of all the poor planning that now leads to an incredibly difficult situation--the decision of either a) coming up with some story about why D can't pick me up and either forcing my family to cram us and our luggage into one car against their wishes,  b) coming up with a story and trying to find a friend to pick me up, or c) having D technically break his probation and then call first thing Tuesday morning to explain and "get permission."   

 Oh--also, D randomly got a letter in the mail on Thursday evening informing him of a mandatory drug test with his probation department (which is 2 hours away from our home) the following Wednesday--a test that was in no way mentioned by the PO at the last meeting (in which he was very congenial and simply said he'd see us in a month) and a test that falls on a day that the PO knows full well that D cannot ask off work without two weeks' notice.  While random drug/alcohol screens are not outside the realm of possibility for the terms of his probation, he has not had to have one except the initial test they gave when he began this process 9 1/2 months ago, so it is doubly frustrating to have them pull this now, in a week where he cannot ask off work (because of the holiday weekend) and when there is no one answering the phone until the day before he is supposed to show up (and, if history repeats itself, no one will probably answer Tuesday either unless he calls multiple times, which is difficult to do at work).  

As though I wasn't stressed about this trip already.  Now I am a giant ball of AAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!  waiting to escape. 

I am trying to keep a positive attitude.  I know that these things are--all of them--beyond my control.  I know that nothing I can do will change things, and that they will work out one way or the other.  I know that focusing on everything that seems to be going wrong only makes it worse and I know that I tend to blow little problems majorly out of proportion.  I know these things intellectually, but I cannot seem to find a way to commit them to myself in a real way.  I am going to bed recounting to myself the good things that I have going right now, thanking my HP for them, and asking for help for tomorrow--and hopefully, when I wake up in the morning, HP will have worked some magic...because that's what it feels like it will take for me to warp out of this funk. 

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Out of Town

I am going out of town this weekend for a wedding.  I'll be leaving Friday, coming home Sunday.  I don't really want to go, because D can't go with, but it's a family thing and I essentially don't have the choice.  Setting boundaries is hardest with my family.  

If it was just the wedding, I honestly don't mind going.  I mean, I hate to be somewhere with music and dancing and have no one to dance with, but I can handle that part.  The main reason I don't want to go is because it leaves D alone for the entire weekend, which is a huge trigger for him.  When he gets lonely, angry, frustrated, tired, and feels powerless in a situation--these are his biggest triggers, and each of them will be exacerbated by this trip.  He feels angry and frustrated that I was basically made to go and did not stand up for myself better, but powerless because there is nothing he can do to change it.  And of course, without me there, he will probably be lonely and of course there will be times when he is tired.  It's just one big ball of triggers.  And so I am scared that I will leave and he will not set up enough activities or things to do to prevent something from happening.  I know that he has plans for Saturday--he works that morning, and has a friend's graduation party to attend in the afternoon.  But I'm still scared.  I am trying desperately to let go of my fear and repeating to myself over and over that I cannot control what happens to him, but as of now it's not helping much.  

I see the progress he has made, hear him talk to his PO about making changes to his underlying thought processes rather than just stopping behaviors, and I feel encouraged.  It's just that it will be so easy to pick up the phone on Saturday night or Sunday afternoon and find an old number to text or call--and so my brain is running rampant with the theoretical possibilities, even as I try to convince it that theory is not reality. 

Friday, May 8, 2009

El Fin

Is anyone else out there a Scrubs fan?  Anyone watch the finale the other night?  

I finally watched it last night, and it was so perfectly beautiful.  Just wanted to see if anyone else was an emotional wreck about it along with me.  :-)

Monday, May 4, 2009


My mom purchased some new living room furniture recently and had it delivered this past Saturday, which meant that D and I "inherited" a new couch, recliner, and chest.  They were all welcome additions, as our living room was woefully lacking in seating, and now our sunroom has a place to sit as well.  With the new additions, however, we also found the motivation to rearrange our living room furniture and put up the sunroom decorations that have been languishing in storage since we bought this house a year ago.  We both commented on how much more "homey" our house feels now--more inviting and real, rather than continuing to look like a randomly-arranged college apartment.  

We celebrated by having a few good friends over and grilling out so as to utilize the porch and sunroom, playing board games, and watching a movie.  It was the first weekend since D started his new job (which means it was the first weekend in almost a year that he was actually home both days of the weekend), and it was a wonderful way to kick it off.  We both looked at each other when everyone left and pointed out that this was the kind of weekend we envisioned when we bought a house.  

It's strange the things that make me feel satisfied and accomplished in life, but if a little rearranged hand-me-down furniture does the trick, I'll take it and smile.