Sunday, July 18, 2010

Letting Go (Again!)

Wow--2 months since my last post? Really? I swear I haven't disappeared into the abyss. Just into the depths of more than a month of massive studying for a qualification exam (which I just discovered that I passed! Hooray!), then a month of vacations and travel and house projects and then back into the next round of school. Life has been busy, but good. Even D has begun a new project--he's taking a class that will be the first step (hopefully) toward having the pre-qualifications he needs to go on to graduate school in another few years. Which, of course, brings us to the topic of today's post.

The aforementioned class (which is a very Good Thing by all accounts) contains a good deal of online work. Most of the assignments are posted online, and D has to turn in a great deal of work by uploading it to the professor. Our original plan was for him to write out the assignments on his computer, save them to a drive, and then we could upload them to the website when I was around (backstory: currently the only computer in the house with internet capabilities is mine, which is password protected and can only be opened by me). Unfortunately, my new work schedule is incredibly strange and changes a lot, and D is often home working on homework when I'm gone. It became, simply put, too inefficient to continue if he was going to finish the class in less than a year.

And so, the other day, for the first time in 2 years, I told D my password and he got on the internet when I wasn't around and wasn't even home. It's been a huge and somewhat strange step, even if it only happened once and really only will happen seldom in the future. It's an odd mix of emotions for me--on the one hand, D is quickly approaching two years of sobriety and slowly but surely, we have worked to this point where I do trust him to let me know if anything is bothering him. On the other hand, there is still the tiniest of jolts to my stomach knowing that with this trust comes the possibility for him to easily slip back into old behaviors. We're taking things one day at a time, but for me, letting go of the "what ifs" is still hard.