Thursday, January 1, 2009

New Year Introspection

It's the new year, which of course means that it's time to look back on the old one and see what was and wasn't accomplished.  As a rule, I don't generally do New Year's Resolutions, and I didn't last year, but it's interesting to think back to what has gone on throughout the year nonetheless.  Last New Year's Eve, D and I spent the evening with a single friend watching our football team lose terribly.  We kissed at midnight and celebrated the fact that 2008 would be the year we got married.  D spent most of early 2008 interviewing for new jobs, finally got one and started his current position in the spring.  We lived apart for a few months, which was difficult for me.  I finished one step of my education and went crazy from wedding planning.  We bought our home, moved in, and I made efforts at decorating.  D spent far too much time on his computer.  We got married, had a lovely honeymoon, and came home to settle in.  I fell in love with the olympics.  I began my current studies and have been relatively consumed by them since.  In September, I looked forward to having some extra money and less worry when D ended his probation.  Instead, we found ourselves for the first time at the edge of what is hopefully legitimate recovery.  We celebrated our first married Christmas in our first home and rang in the New Year with a few close friends and family without fanfare.  

Looking back at all these events, I don't feel like I've progressed all that much from where I was last New Year.  It seems like it, since I have progressed in my education and bought a home and gotten married, but honestly, I feel very much the same.  The biggest (and best) difference is that D and I are finally starting to build the relationship we could have, should have, would have had from the beginning, and despite our myriad problems are, I think, starting to get some things right.  I'm working on me and my insecurities, we are spending more time together and beginning to bring a modicum of respect and intimacy back to "us."  I am grateful for the fact that we have conversations now when we get home rather than running to our own corners of the house, and when we argue there is much less screaming and at least a little more dialogue.  I am grateful that I have progressed enough this year to at least sometimes identify my own problems, and (perhaps even more impressive) my own sources of happiness.  

And so, this year, I think I will take a different tack.  Last year I did not make resolutions, and things progressed some, but not as much as I might have liked.  This year I will try making a few even if just to give myself some goals to work toward.  That, and because I just love lists so much. 

New Year's Goals and Things to Work Toward:

1. I will continue to work on identifying and healing some of my own insecurities.  I fully expect this to take much longer than a year, but we'll give it a shot. 

2. I will try to be more compromising and less selfish in an argument. 

3. I will work on doing what's best for me--and not just with D.  I think one of my biggest problems with this will be not being such a pleaser to my mother, and not worrying so much about what other people think of me. 

4. A combo goal for D and me:  get out of debt (except for the house and my student loans) by the time he ends probation in August. 

5. Start working out again, at least somewhat regularly. 

6. Apply for (and get) a summer externship. 

7. Spend more time with friends. 

I have no qualms about admitting that many of these will probably be difficult (ok....maybe impossible) to keep up and may fall by the wayside at times, but hopefully even making an attempt at these I'll be able to look back next year and see an even bigger difference in my life.  For now, though, I'm satisfied to have something to be grateful for and something to work toward at the start of 2009.  Hope everyone has a blessed, safe, and happy year ahead of them.  

2 comments:

Cat said...

I wish you the very best in the new year !

Your goals are huge - but I think if you can choose a few and make a plan of how you can make them work on a daily basis you havea a chance!!! I am cheering for you!

Cat

RockiBottom said...

I really think it says a lot that the two of you are having real conversations and not coming home and immediately going to your own space. Sounds like progress to me. I hope to get there myself sometime soon.

Have a happy new year. I hope all your goals for 09 come true.