Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Warning: Rant Ahead.

D made plans to go out with friends last night for Margarita Monday at a local Mexican place. Originally he kept asking if I wanted to go or if I would drive or whatnot, but then he came home last night explaining that a his friend J had just broken up with his girlfriend, so they were going to make it a guys' night. No problem, I needed to get some work done anyway. He promises to be careful, to be responsible, because he has to finish a work project when he comes home anyway.

He got home around midnight, laid down on the couch for 5 minutes, and then proceeded to spend the next hour or two going back and forth to the bathroom to throw up. I left and slept in the guest room because I was so angry I almost couldn't breathe, but I didn't want to explode right then and there. This morning we discussed what happened--and he claimed that he was totally in control all night, had only had 4 drinks--it was just that since he hasn't had anything to drink in the past year his tolerance is much lower than he expected. He wasn't impaired to drive, he just all of a sudden got home and felt sick. He was, of course, upset when I expressed my disappointment in the whole situation.

I basically told him that what upset me was not the drinking--or even the driving, though I had a hard time believing that he was totally fine to drive if he was that sick afterward. My problem was that I trusted him to go out with friends--without me, even though when he made his relapse plan he originally said that he thought only drinking when I was around was a good idea--I trusted him to go out, be responsible, and do what he said he'd do. Especially since he made a big show out of talking about the need to be responsible. Instead, he comes home piss drunk, having spent money he said he wouldn't buying his friend's food and drinks. And if I can't trust him to do the simple task of doing what he said he would at the beginning of the night, then how am I supposed to trust that he can go out and not flirt with other women? Not text other women? Not relapse? In short, I trusted him to do the right thing and instead he put himself in a very dangerous situation, both recovery-wise and not.

His response was to admit that he made a mistake as far as the drinking--he misjudged what he could take and he paid for that. But he wasn't impaired and he took precautions to make sure nothing sexually inappropriate happened throughout the night, even talking about me first thing when a woman came up to the table. He was upset that, as he put it, I saw him as "broken," as someone with a sexual disease, and that those were the first things I thought of when he was sick over the toilet.

My problem now--I asked him this morning what he thought we should do about it, and he didn't really answer. When he gets home tonight, I'm going to outline the possibilities that work within my boundaries--but the even bigger issue is this: the whole time he was talking this morning, I felt very much like I did when he was in active addiction and making up very convincing stories. I have no real reason not to believe what he said about the night--but I don't. Or rather, I believe what he said about the night was true, but there's something in the defensiveness that puts me on edge and thinks that something else is going on behind the scenes, even if it has nothing to do with last night. And so, being the horrible codie I am, I checked the phone records for the first time in almost a year today. And of course, there are lots of things that are highly questionable, especially from the last couple of days. So now tonight I have to figure out if he's relapsing with his phone, or even just relapsing in terms of being incredibly secretive, but either way it's messed up. I'm so tired of his attitude that just because he's done with his mandatory counseling, he's free of addiction. Like he never has to worry about it again, it's never going to be a problem. It scares me that he might so easily fall back into thinking the way he used to, even though not a month ago he promised so many beautiful things.

Empty promises are the worst thing in the world, especially when you realize you might have been a sucker enough to believe them.


Bernadine said...


I'm so sorry. You are in a scary place and I really, really empathize with you. It's a crappy way to feel.

I hope the phone records aren't the bad thing you are worried they might be. Either way, good for you for looking into it. What's happened, in a broad sense, can really be viewed as a victory for you. I heard lots of ways you were taking care of yourself-- from sleeping in the other room to checking the records.

I had one suggestion while reading this. My husband is an alcoholic who won't admit it, besides you know, the biggie.
I heard from a Group Therapy friend's husband this weekend who told me that he realized (and his therapist held him to this) that he couldn't get sober in one area of his life unless he was sober, 100%. That meant no booze for a long time-- now he's at the point where he will allow himself a glass of wine occassionally, but that's it. He realizes how tied into non-reality those things are.
For me, and watching my husband slip after getting drunk with coworkers, I couldn't agree more.

Good luck to you these coming days. Please do all you can to maintain your serenity, when that's possible. Looking out for yourself, have consequences for boundary violations and all that other difficult stuff is so important... for YOU.


Willow said...


If you haven't looked at anything in over a year I don't think that you listening to your gut is necessarily a codie thing. Remember, codependency is normal reactions and behavior gone into caffeine overdrive.

I hope you find everything is alright. You may just be taking care of yourself by listening to your instincts and it will alert your husband to a possible upcoming slip if not looked at on his part.