Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Out of the Dumps

It felt good to get that last post out, but since then I feel like I've been spending way too much time focusing on D and his life and his recovery and his actions and behavior. I've just been having one of those weeks when I want to ask every day, multiple times a day, if everything is going ok with him and if he is sober. I know it's not healthy, and I'm trying to kick the habit once again and get the focus back to me, but it's been more difficult this time for some reason. We did end up talking a bit more about the moving situation, and it was a calmer discussion but when it comes to this kind of thing, we often seem to come to the same conclusions over and over again. It's not that the conclusions aren't satisfying--they're just difficult to pin down.

Basically what always happens is D does everything in his power to reassure me that he is fine, nothing is wrong, he is not acting out or thinking of acting out, and then he gets hurt that I am once again suspicious when nothing is wrong and that he cannot go a (insert here: day, week, however long it's been since our last discussion) without me bringing up the past or assuming something is wrong with him. He doesn't like to think about it because he's trying to just be a good, normal, non-sex addicty person. My problem is that while he tries his damnedest to avoid thinking about it, I often cannot escape thinking about it. It follows me. I mean, things are wonderful in our life right now--D has been sober almost 18 months, school is going very well, we are planning a lovely and well-deserved vacation, etc. etc. etc. There's really no reasons for me to be worried or suspicious, but every now and then I'll just be driving down the road on my way to somewhere innocuous like the grocery and all of a sudden I just have a random flashback to a really bad point in our history. Those kinds of things have been happening more recently lately, and I think it's contributing to my not-so-fabulous state of being, even in the face of the outer fabulous that life seems to be at the moment.

Maybe it's the weather--I've long said that I feel I really do suffer from seasonal affective disorder, especially in this time of year when spring seems so close and yet so damn far away. I want to start wearing skirts and tank tops again, and find myself wishing I could will it to be warm just so I wouldn't have to bundle up so much on my way to class and work. Either way, though, I'm sick of being here, and while I know that sometimes you just have to accept where you are for the moment and know that "this too shall pass," I also know that sometimes I can't get better if I don't do something about it. And so I'm setting a goal this week to start doing a few little things to help me concentrate more on me and what I can do to stay healthy, rather than focusing so much on D. Goals for this week are to spend more time with my higher power each day, exercise at least 3 days (that's another thing the cold weather does to me--I'm not motivated to exercise, which just makes me feel worse which makes me not want to's a vicious cycle), and make a gratitude list each day. Starting now.

Today, I am grateful for the excitement that my next school year will bring as I move into more career-oriented work. I am grateful for my wonderful family. I am grateful for the new items I recently bought for the house that make it feel so much more homey. And I am as always grateful for this blog, its readers, and all my other wonderful recovery friends and resources who are such a help when things get difficult.


C. Christine @ battleofjoan said...

I'm just so thankful you have the courage to share all your thought processes with us. I know it's so healing to write, to clear up thoughts in the head. But I learn so much from reading your thoughts, too. Anyhow, thanks for taking the time to post.
And man, it is so tough. My husband is gone to training in Germany for 12 days. I have the same feelings that creep in to haunt me, too. I definitely ask all the questions. But at a certain point, it's like, alright, whatever. I only know what I know, so I have to let it go. But I can see how that memory of him moving another chick's stuff like he did last time... that would definitely strike a chord. Doing the macho hero thing. Just explain it to him and know you perfectly have a right to feel that way. Keep smilin! God bless you, in all your endeavors, not just wifey-hood.

Bernadine said...


What a wonderful, hope filled post! I love it. Thank you for sharing it, along with your doubts. I think it's so useful to see other people's processes.
I love all of your wonderful self-care ideas, and starting a gratitude journal. I love that you see there is more you can do to take care of you. How great.

I still struggle with self-care, and one thing that has really helped me was making lists of to-do's, along with self-cares, and check off a certain amount each day. Otherwise I won't do them and then will feel guilty. But that's me-- I'm a list person.

I totally get getting triggered all the time, doing everyday things. I think it's totally normal, though it certainly isn't any fun.

You are doing amazing!


Gabriella Moonlight said...

Hey B....I really get this post, I still have those moments of wondering and feeling those lightening moments, where I'm taken right back to a pivotal and often painful moment, I remind myself that I am in a new now, which can be difficult, my therapist also said to write, write, write it all out as much as I can, that helps too....

Your idea of exercise, time with higher power is a good one too..
much love