Memories

I've been feeling antsy lately. Feeling old behaviors creep up and surprise me at odd moments--wanting to check D's phone, worried about the fact that he can get on the computer when I'm not home now, rampant what-if type thoughts about facebook chat and the like. I'm trying to check my gut against reality and trust it, even though there seems to not be anything really wrong (although granted, how do you ever really know?). I was trying to figure out what, exactly, was triggering these thoughts when I realized that the last time I felt this way, this uncomfortable and strange, was at the end of February of this year. Late February 3 years ago was my initial discovery date. Suddenly, the connection clicked.

Today is the one-year anniversary of D's release from probation. One year ago today, we got to be Normal (whatever that is) again. But it's also been two years (or close enough) since what should have been his final day of probation--the point at which I realized that after almost a year and a half of therapy and meetings and dealing with serious legal problems, D was still lying to me (and everyone else) about his behavior. I think it was actually in early September that I really realized that he had still been so active with his acting out (especially with texting and online sex chatting) the entire time that we planned our wedding and got married, but it was late August when he first failed his polygraph test that sparked it all.

I am grateful for my husband's sobriety (almost two years now!). I am grateful to see him become the man I fell in love with all over again, and to watch the changes that have occurred over the past two years as we rebuilt our relationship from the ground up. But those memories, and the times surrounding them, of the worst days of this process are still raw and painful. Apparently to the point that just drawing near to the date without realizing it can trigger me. The human brain is a confusing thing.

I have a plan to talk to D and let him know what I've been feeling lately, and see if there's anything we need to change or do differently, but sometimes I worry that I'll be old and gray and still having flashbacks on the first week of school.