Friday, October 15, 2010

Where do we go from here?

On Tuesday night, I was angry with D for no particular reason. Even now, I can't pinpoint exactly what was going on in my head, but I came home in a bad mood from a difficult day at work and felt unattractive and upset and just generally icky. D and I argued briefly about him not doing some housework we had agreed upon, resolved the issue, and I went to change my clothes. In the bedroom, my hand uncontrollably drifted to his cell phone, and before I knew it the texts were up.

And there was one to a female friend saying something about how that friend should come over to our house and relax and get a massage.

The good: For the first time possibly ever, I immediately confronted D about it. I didn't try to hide my feelings, didn't try to beat around the bush or get him to admit that he'd done something--just straight up told him that I found the text and that it was NOT. OK. I told him in plain English that this crossed the line, and that I wanted him to tell me anything and everything else that had occurred. He claims there was nothing--that he hadn't meant anything by it, that he simply had been chatting with a friend who was stressed and had no flirtatious intentions, simply wanted her to know that she should go get a massage (i.e., wasn't implying that she should get one from him). He also admitted that it looked bad, and that if I had a problem with it then it didn't matter what he meant. We discussed that perception is reality, and I asked him to please not speak to any females by text or get on the internet while I'm not at home until we re-evaluate the situation. I also informed him that I would be checking in more frequently in the next few days.

The bad: I'm not sure how to feel at this point. We had a good conversation that was completely different from how anything would have gone before. I was honest about my feelings without fear of reprisal or consequence in a way that was totally new. But still--it happened. And whether he had intent or not doesn't really matter...the fact that he would have said something like that without even thinking that it might come off badly is disturbing enough. Where do we go from here? Should I demand meetings or therapy or some other tool? Or should I live in a state of caution, checking in and keeping a watchful eye toward the phone?

Right now my goal is to take things one day at a time and push for more frequent conversations with the other options in reserve. Surprisingly, I'm not freaking out--I just feel unsure of what steps to take in the near future. But then, perhaps that's what "one day at a time" actually means.


Rae said...

B - not sure if you are open to feedback, especially from an addict, but I just want to say that you and D are in my thoughts and prayers.

B said...

Rae--I'm always open to feedback, and really appreciate your prayers.

Bubbles said...

I'm so sorry that you've had to endure this for so long. What a scary and unpredictable road you're on, but what courage and strength. I admire you