Friday, August 14, 2009

His, Mine, and Ours

Yesterday evening, D and I made the trek to his counseling class for what was almost the last time.  He has two weeks to go--two more classes, one more PO visit, and then we are "off paper."  For the next two weeks, he is focusing on finalizing his relapse plan.  As we were driving home, he offered up of his own accord that he thought we should sit down and write out the final version together, so that I could be involved in knowing exactly what the plan was so that I could help him remain accountable after the end of his class.  I was thrilled with this idea, not least because it shows just how far we have come to feel comfortable being that open and vulnerable with each other.  In the past, D was never comfortable talking to me about what he was going through, and in my codependent state I did not have strong enough boundaries or confidence to say things like "I want X as we move forward."  At least, not without making it a controlling, demanding set-up for a fight.  

Yet as we drove home, he offered up that he was a little scared about all the new things that were coming.  He asked if I would help him avoid his biggest triggers by disconnecting any computer he has in the future (his has been on lock-down for the past year) from the capability of getting on the internet.  And I was able to tell him that, while I thought that was a great idea, I needed any computer he has in the future to be a new one--the old one is just too triggering for me, too symbolic of all the crap that has gone on in the past.  

With all this honesty and communication going on, everything seemed to be going just swimmingly, but the biggest sign of progress that I noted was my own response later that evening--everything we had discussed earlier had centered around him--writing out his relapse plan, me helping him stay sober, etc--when really, the biggest changes that I have seen in me have come through my own recovery and focusing more on myself.  And so I resolved to make my own "relapse plan" of sorts, and when we sit down to discuss his, to include my own recovery goals and plans for the future.  After all--it really is the combination of our individual recovery efforts that has contributed so much to our current (and, with the help of our HPs, future) success as a couple. 

1 comment:

Bernadine said...


That's really lovely. I'm happy for you-- it sounds like you've had some big realizations of late. And to have a husband that 'gets' it-- my jealousy knows no bounds. :)

Best of luck to you.