Monday, August 3, 2009

Monday Musings

There are several things I want to write about today, but each would take so long that I doubt I will be able to get them out.  Instead, I'll start with snippets and expand them, perhaps, in the next few days.  

  • D went running with one of his good friends last night.  We have been concerned for some time that V might have some tendencies toward alcoholism, which were recently highlighted when he got a DUI.  He is currently taking mandatory alcohol classes and nonchalantly mentioned last night that on the "tolerance scale" he completed in class, his tolerance was an extremely high number--which means he has a very low/easy trigger for alcoholism.  D and I both worry about the way he brushes these things off. The bigger feelings I have surrounding the situation, however, is that I can't help but get this nudge every time V is around or brings up alcohol that D should share some of his story with V.  I haven't mentioned it to D yet, because I'm not sure how comfortable he would be sharing anything with anyone, but if the nudging keeps up I will have to eventually.  My gut is almost never wrong.  

  • I have recently begun delving (somewhat unwillingly) into the issues I have surrounding my mother.  I love my mom.  She is a fantastic woman who raised my family extremely well and has never been anything but supportive, loving, and caring.  But yet there is something about her that makes both my sister and I absolutely terrified of making her angry and/or disappointed.  We are both incredibly concerned with keeping her happy, and I'm honestly not sure where that reaction comes from, other than an innate codependent sense that I can control my own environment by controlling everyone else's feelings.  I have conquered a lot of this response with other people in my life--especially with D--but when it comes to my mother my automatic response is to do whatever it takes to make her happy at the expense of almost anyone else, including myself, my friends, other family, D.  I know it's a bad thing, I know it's a huge roadblock on my recovery path, but it happens like a reflex.  And figuring out why it happens and how to solve the problem is going to be a huge, huge hurdle.  

  • In addition to my mom, I am working on figuring out what boundaries I want to set surrounding the end of D's probation and counseling.  We have had some great communication surrounding this recently, but I am trying to work on writing down a few things so that they become more concrete. 

  • I'm getting ready to go back to school in a few weeks and currently experiencing those mixed feelings of excited anticipation of all the new things that will be coming and dread that the summer is coming to a close.  

  • The birthday party Friday was a blast--I am incredibly glad I went, as I got to catch up with good friends and relax and just generally enjoy a beautiful afternoon with good company.  My fears that D would be upset about my going were unfounded; he got home not long before I did that evening and was excited to hear about the goings-on in our old town.  Just another little thing that marks the progression of recovery. 


Hua said...

Hi B,

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Bernadine said...

Hi, B!

It sounds like you are in a busy time! This line really struck me, about your Mom: "But yet there is something about her that makes both my sister and I absolutely terrified of making her angry and/or disappointed."

I can really relate to that. While I've totally written off my Dad and any perception he might have of me (yep, that's anger and hurt you hear talkin'), my Mom has such a strong hold over both my sister and I too. I don't know for sure, but I think that might be a little like going back to the source of my own codependence (like the Yoda of the big C) and trying not to get reminded of the lessons you've been taught. It's fairly impossible, right?
I'm curious about how others with lots more recovery handle their family of origin triggers, because I think this will be one of the hardest things to deal with, even as I get stronger in myself.

Anyway-- I guess I wanted to say that I hear you, and good luck to us both? :)

I hope you're well!
(the other:) B