Last night I had a completely random--no triggers, just random--flashback about things he used to say when he was flirting with girls online. It's like stabbing myself in the chest one more time for fun. I'm trying to figure out why this is happening, but there doesn't seem to be a really good reason. I'm also trying to get my focus back to me again, but it's coming much less easily this time. I wanted so badly to bring up D's recovery last night with him, but didn't, so I guess that's a good sign that I can still keep my control freak a little bit under control. Time to check out my priorities again, because in my efforts to focus on what I'm feeling, all I can identify is that I'm feeling frustrated by all this and frustrated (yet again) by what D is or isn't doing, which is exact opposite of the goal of this exercise. Then, when I remind myself that all I can do is work on me and my flaws, that codie who lives in my head just wants recognition--"Hey! Look at me! I'm working on myself! Haven't you noticed?! Say you've noticed!! Doesn't it make you want to work on you too?" God, what a horribly insecure person I have been. Next stop for the introspection train: why in the world I'm so insecure about everything, and what I can do about it. I'll be back when and if I figure out some answers.
Is Anybody Out There
11 months ago