Tuesday, December 16, 2008

It's finals week, and I think I'm losing my mind

I've been slipping the past couple of days.  It started with a trigger...D came home without calling me to let me know he was on his way.  He'd been talking more with a couple of female friends recently--long time friends, who I know quite well--and one day last week he had gotten off the phone with me in order to answer a phone call from one of them regarding what to get a boyfriend for Christmas.  So when he came home without calling first, my mind did a triple jump to the worst of possible conclusions, assuming he had wanted to talk to one of them more than me.  That he was slipping into complacency and leaving me behind for the thousandth time.  It was all I could do to keep myself from an all-out freak out when he got home, though I somehow managed to stay relatively calm and avoid being passive-aggressive long enough for him to claim that he had not spoken with anyone.  Since then, I'm having trouble focusing on me.  Well, that took all of a week.  

Last night I had a completely random--no triggers, just random--flashback about things he used to say when he was flirting with girls online.  It's like stabbing myself in the chest one more time for fun.  I'm trying to figure out why this is happening, but there doesn't seem to be a really good reason.  I'm also trying to get my focus back to me again, but it's coming much less easily this time.  I wanted so badly to bring up D's recovery last night with him, but didn't, so I guess that's a good sign that I can still keep my control freak a little bit under control.  Time to check out my priorities again, because in my efforts to focus on what I'm feeling, all I can identify is that I'm feeling frustrated by all this and frustrated (yet again) by what D is or isn't doing, which is exact opposite of the goal of this exercise.  Then, when I remind myself that all I can do is work on me and my flaws, that codie who lives in my head just wants recognition--"Hey!  Look at me!  I'm working on myself!  Haven't you noticed?!  Say you've noticed!! Doesn't it make you want to work on you too?"  God, what a horribly insecure person I have been.  Next stop for the introspection train:  why in the world I'm so insecure about everything, and what I can do about it.  I'll be back when and if I figure out some answers. 

1 comment:

Cat said...

I think my whole view of myself and my security on my marriage was shattered when my husband cheated on me. I became that much more controlling and that much more needy and my self worth was that much more laid out to be walked all over by him.

Being in a relationship where I did not feel valued is what made me so terribly insecure. Alcohol was my husbands lover - not me.

hang in there, go easy on yourself especially if this is all new it really needs to be one day at a time for success!