Monday, December 8, 2008

Letting Go

I feel like the universe is trying to send me a message.  After last week's post, I took some advice and decided to make an effort, starting then and there, to focus more on me.  I even wrote myself a lovely little note to look back on and remind myself.  The goal was relatively simple--I just promised myself that I would try my best to think more about me, what I was thinking, how I was feeling, what I want.  In so doing, I also promised that I would do my utter best to quit worrying so much about D like I've been.  We discussed this epiphany of sorts, and I told him that I'm making the commitment to not bother him about his recovery any more, for his sake but ultimately for mine, because really (as I've been told however many times) it is just plain unhealthy for me to focus so much on something that, at it's heart, I simply can't control--no matter how much I might want to.  So I started trying.  When I began thinking about what someone else was doing or what I needed to do for them, I tried to remove myself as much as possible and really review how I felt and what I wanted and what I could do.  It's been hard, but not nearly as much as I expected.  The great thing was (and here's where the universe is giving me a sign)--all manner of things have come up dealing with this topic this week.  Other friends that I've talked to, other blogs that I've read, are dealing with the same topic of staying self-focused.  I attended my first online COSA meeting tonight, and the topic was, of all things, letting go of control in order to see solutions more clearly (and, if necessary, asking HP for help in doing so).  Hearing other people talk about how they dealt with this, how they had benefitted from letting go, what struggles they had really resonated with me and gave me some new things to think about to help me with this new goal.  It's been great, and I have to say it's given me some freedom of perspective to start looking at what good things I do have in my life.  

With this newfound idea to go on, I've also decided that in order to keep the focus on me, I'm going to try to start keeping this blog more about me and what I'm doing rather than just ranting about D all the time.  Whatever problems we have, I can only work on mine, anyway--and when I do, things seem to go so much better with him and with us as well.  So to start making this place a little more "me-centric," here is an interesting little meme I picked up from a friend.  

10 things you don't know about me:

Note:  I don't do memes, really...none of the whole "tagging" other people and such.  But I thought this was fun, so feel free to do it if you wish as well.  The point is just to let people know 10 things about you that they probably otherwise wouldn't know, or that might be interesting or different or odd.  

1. I am addicted to Harry Potter, and I just got turned on to the new Twilight books.  While I don't think they're quite as good writing-wise, the story is interesting and quite addictive when the alternative is studying.  This is a bad, bad thing to happen the week before finals. 

2. I love the beach.  The smell of sunscreen is one of the happiest smells on earth. 

3. My house is perpetually covered in dog fur, and while I am a neat freak, I often cannot bring myself to haul out the vacuum to solve the problem. 

4. Christmas is my favorite season.  I would listen to carols year round if it wouldn't annoy everyone else around me. 

5. I hate bananas.

6. I love photography. 

7. I'm a closet nerd.  I play video games, love science fiction, and probably would have been an astrophysicist if I didn't pick my chosen line of study. 

8. I love snow, but hate the cold.  I really wish I had a fireplace, because my heating bills kill me whenever the temperature drops below 60 degrees. 

9. I used to have a life goal to travel to every continent before I was 30.  I still want to do it--but the age range has lengthened.  Only two have been checked off the list so far. 

10. Blood, guts, death, gore and destruction do not and have never freaked me out in the slightest, but I am paralyzed by the sight of the tiniest spider on my bedroom ceiling. 

So there's a little bit about the me that I'm trying to get to know a little bit better.  For now, that me better start actually doing some work. 


Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Yay, B! :)

Sophie in the Moonlight said...

OH, I am SO with you on #1. I've read all the Harry Potter books 3x and I read the first Twilight book in four days last week, and I'm 2/3 of the way through the 2nd book which I started 2 days ago.

I'm so embarrassed, but I'm glad to be in good company. =)

YAY!! for you for focusing on yourself. Beautiful progress right there.

RockiBottom said...

I think it's great that you are going to make an effort to focus on yourself right now. I am not quite able to do that yet, but hope I will be there soon.