We've been through a fair number of ups and downs in the past month. Things have, overall, been going very well, with the downs coming from two job interviews D has had. Both interviews were for promotions at his current employer, which, according to all of his bosses, he was the best candidate for. When he interviewed for the first position, he was thrilled with his interview performance and relatively sure that he would be a top choice. When the interviewers called the next day, they informed him that he had had the best interview, the best ideas, he was the most prepared and enthusiastic and qualified--but he was number two. The winner, instead, was a candidate considered by many to be the least qualified of the bunch in the area of management skill, but the most qualified in terms of hair color and southern drawl and bust size. (Sorry, I sound bitchy. I'm trying desperately to get over it.) D was understandably frustrated but actually took the whole thing with far more grace than I expected--far more than I exhibited, in any case--and moved on to the next opportunity. This time, another candidate from out-of-state with far more experience surprisingly applied and experience won out.
All of this has indeed been frustrating, but it's also brought some interesting factors to light. Throughout the whole process, D has been gracious and accepting and positive, more so than I would have ever imagined. I, on the other hand, have been ungracious, upset, and angry (though not necessarily to his face). And I realized, thinking about my unnecessary anger in the face of D's all-around Zen attitude, that this is just another little aspect of my control freak trying to ooze her way back out through the cracks. Here I thought I was doing really well and making strides in my efforts to accept the things I can't change, and this whole job scenario just goes to show that I am still just trudging along. I get upset, you see, because I want to shelter him from feeling upset. I hate when other people are upset--and I've always, always seen it as my personal duty to bring them back to a happy place. I have worked to focus on my own feelings when others are out of whack, but I cannot bear to see them disappointed, and so I try to take ownership of something that was never my problem. I can certainly empathize with my husband and do what I can in terms of support, but I think I've gone beyond that now and am currently reaching into the realms of codie mind tricks. So now I'm just trying to reconcile to myself the fact that things will not always go perfectly, for me or D or anybody else for that matter, but when those things are not of my own doing then they are not my responsibility to fix. I can't change the interview selection. I can't even go yell at the idiots doing the selecting because that won't do any good. I just have to accept that it's not my battle and keep working on doing what I can do to find happiness no matter what idiocy goes on around me.