Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Fear and Letting Go

I've felt much better the past couple of days--we got home very late on Sunday ad things worked out where D didn't have to come pick me up from the airport, which alleviated a great deal of stress.  I'm still dealing with some residual fear about the fact that he has not yet reached his PO to discuss the "mandatory" drug test that is supposed to take place Wednesday, but to which he cannot go because, since Monday was a holiday, his company will not let anyone leave early any day this week.  This whole situation is scary because if he can't get hold of the office today, and he cannot go to the appointment tomorrow, I worry that they will consider him in violation of his probation, when for the past 9 months he has so perfectly followed every minute detail of his terms.  

And yet as I sit here thinking about it and allowing myself to wallow in fear and doubt and trepidation about the future, I realize that I am focusing solely on him and what is going on with his recovery and how he will deal with this situation and wanting to check in and make sure he has called the office this morning--etc.  I made a promise to myself, back when I really got serious about my own recovery, that I would stop that.  That I would focus on me.  That I would let go of the things I couldn't control.  This is certainly something I can't control, but all this weekend that thought alone has been unsatisfying.  This morning, however, a stopover at MPJ's blog led to some insight about some of the other meanings of the oft-repeated recovery phrase, "Let go and Let God."  I think the one she described that hit home the most for me was, "Let go of fear and let God soothe."  I cannot control this situation, but that very fact only makes me more afraid of it.  What I need to do today is let go of this fear and allow God to take care of not only the situation, but also of me.  


Cat said...

The fear is always what I return to as my issues - my fear. Letting go of that can be both terrifying and exhilarating and liberating all at once...

Sophie in the Moonlight said...

Checking in to see how the drug test situation worked out.