Friday, May 22, 2009


I am sitting in a hotel room in a tiny, tiny town far away from home--and far away from anything, awaiting my cousin's wedding tomorrow.  Some of the family is here or arriving tomorrow, but I am on my own tonight because D could not come along and my mom and sister do not arrive until tomorrow.  The place we are all staying is very small and has frustratingly little to do or see.  I am tired, out of my normal time zone, my joints ache from the plane ride and I am annoyed that I was essentially forced into coming here and stewing in anger and frustration at the whole scenario.  

Add to this the fact that late Thursday evening my mother sprung on me the idea that D would need to pick me up from the airport on Sunday when we return because she' not sure everyone's luggage will fit in her car on the way home.  Not that this seems like a big deal, except that the airport we flew through is in a neighboring state, and D is not allowed to cross state lines without permission from his PO.  Which left him Friday to try to call and get hold of someone to give him permission.  No one returned his call, and now I am even more angry and frustrated because of all the poor planning that now leads to an incredibly difficult situation--the decision of either a) coming up with some story about why D can't pick me up and either forcing my family to cram us and our luggage into one car against their wishes,  b) coming up with a story and trying to find a friend to pick me up, or c) having D technically break his probation and then call first thing Tuesday morning to explain and "get permission."   

 Oh--also, D randomly got a letter in the mail on Thursday evening informing him of a mandatory drug test with his probation department (which is 2 hours away from our home) the following Wednesday--a test that was in no way mentioned by the PO at the last meeting (in which he was very congenial and simply said he'd see us in a month) and a test that falls on a day that the PO knows full well that D cannot ask off work without two weeks' notice.  While random drug/alcohol screens are not outside the realm of possibility for the terms of his probation, he has not had to have one except the initial test they gave when he began this process 9 1/2 months ago, so it is doubly frustrating to have them pull this now, in a week where he cannot ask off work (because of the holiday weekend) and when there is no one answering the phone until the day before he is supposed to show up (and, if history repeats itself, no one will probably answer Tuesday either unless he calls multiple times, which is difficult to do at work).  

As though I wasn't stressed about this trip already.  Now I am a giant ball of AAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!  waiting to escape. 

I am trying to keep a positive attitude.  I know that these things are--all of them--beyond my control.  I know that nothing I can do will change things, and that they will work out one way or the other.  I know that focusing on everything that seems to be going wrong only makes it worse and I know that I tend to blow little problems majorly out of proportion.  I know these things intellectually, but I cannot seem to find a way to commit them to myself in a real way.  I am going to bed recounting to myself the good things that I have going right now, thanking my HP for them, and asking for help for tomorrow--and hopefully, when I wake up in the morning, HP will have worked some magic...because that's what it feels like it will take for me to warp out of this funk. 

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