Monday, November 24, 2008


Ugh.  Why does SAA have to be such a damn touchy subject around here?  Last week (as was perhaps obvious, from the lack of posting) was a relatively good and normal week.  Nothing much to report, other than the fact that I had a set of exams and was mostly brain dead for the rest of the week from then on.  Also, my computer has all of a sudden decided to slow down and not allow me to type more than a few words at a time without stopping to spin its wheels briefly.  Most frustrating.  

The one good thing from last week was that on Wednesday, D got off work at 6, which meant he was free to go to saa that night.  Soon after he got home, however, one of his good friends called to say that he was in town for that night only on leave from the military (he's in the guard, and training at a base about an hour away).  When D asked if it was ok if his friend came over, I told him that I didn't care, but asked if he still planned on attending his SAA meeting that night (which he had mentioned earlier).  Since his friend was in town only for the evening, he wanted to stay home and visit, but he also went over to his work calendar on our fridge and noted that he would be able to go to SAA on Monday night (tonight) or even Tuesday morning this week.  This whole exchange was extremely positive sounding, and I let him know how much that meant to me, because I really need to see him committing to recovery.  We talked about how it helps me to see him go to meetings on his own, and even to want to go, because it lets me know that he is committing to this and that we're always moving forward, not getting complacent or letting our relationship get back to the place it has once been.  He even agreed that it did no good to do anything but be positive about meetings, because while they are one more thing to do in the schedule, they are a good thing for him, and staying positive helps keep things in perspective and makes meetings seem like less of a "thing that must be done."  I, for one, came away from the whole conversation feeling much better about the state of things. 

Then, tonight, D got off work at 4.  We've had a wonderful evening, watching tv, having a snack, just basically lounging around.  He took a bit of a nap on the couch, and I studied a bit.  Remembering what he had said last week about going to SAA on Monday night, I woke him up around 6:30 and let him know what time it was, that I wasn't sure when he wanted to leave. I'll spare the details, but essentially he got angry and surly and generally in a foul and horrible mood and stomped around the house getting ready, being rather rude in general and to me in particular.  When I asked what was wrong, he wouldn't answer.  I offered to drive with him over to the meeting and study at a coffee shop while he was there, but he turned me down.  Finally, while he was driving over, he called and explained that he was angry because he had been extremely warm and comfortable and content for the first time all day, happily dozing, and that I had woken him up and promptly thrown him out into the dark and cold.  As he put it, he knew he needed to go, and yes he had indicated that he would go tonight, but he had finally been comfortable and I had woken him up and automatically thrown this in his face.  

I'm just so tired of this back and forth.  Honestly, as I've told him at this point several times, I don't really care if he goes to meetings or not.  I need to see him in committed recovery, but I am not going to sit around and police whether or not he attends (or at least, I'm trying desperately not to).  But Christ, it's impossible to know when it's ok to bring things up and when it's not.  When he says he wants to go on Monday, and I wake him up an hour ahead of time to make sure he's got time to get ready, is that really so ridiculous?  I asked him what would have made the situation better, and he said he thought we should have discussed it earlier in the evening--but had we discussed it earlier (i.e., had I brought it up earlier, because he never does) I have a sneaking suspicion that he would have only gotten upset then that I was ruining a nice afternoon that we got to spend together.  I've told him before that I think it would help if he was willing to bring things up sometimes, or at least to let me know in some general way what his plans are so I don't do something "wrong" like tonight, but he never does it on his own.  

I know, I know, I need to calm the codie side down.  I'm trying to just let him go on his own and see if he makes it back into recovery.  Problem is, I thought that's what was happening last week, which is what led to this whole episode tonight.  I count it as positive that he went to the meeting at all instead of throwing a fit and just not going...and also positive that he acknowledged that he did need to go tonight...I just wish we could get into the habit of doing this without a huge ordeal each time.  

EDIT:  When he got home, D apologized for getting angry.  We talked about how he felt controlled, but he was extremely glad to have gone and thanked me for reminding him to go.  Makes me feel a tad better, but also makes me wish he'd just remember that it's just not a big deal for the next time. 

1 comment:

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

My husband started going to Debtor's Anonymous about a year ago around a financial crisis we were having and realized that he has some serious problems with organization and probably has ADD.

That led me to realize that I really had been taking care of a lot of life's details for him for years without realizing it. I'd schedule his appointments and remind him of them and call him or wake him to get him going on time and make sure he had transportation to get there. I'd plan trips and do the packing. I'd take care of the finances.

I was his live-in personal assistant. And before me it was his roommate and before that, his mother. He had never successfully managed his own life on his own. But when we had kids, I couldn't be executive assistant to four people (him, two kids and myself) and things started to fall apart. Now he is learning (with mixed success) to handle things on his own and I am (with mixed success) letting him.

We recently faced a thousand dollars in fees and loss of my husband's license (which clearly affects me a lot) because he forgot to pay a $10 fine. So, I struggle with how to let him learn to take care of his stuff even when I'm the one paying the consequences.

The fact that it was your responsibility (in your mind and/or D's) to act as his alarm clock really resonates with what I've been struggling with lately.