One of the things I have struggled with for a little while is the fact that whenever D's addictive behaviors would show themselves (even long before either of us recognized them as addictive), I would, in one way or another, threaten to leave. When he was first arrested, I threatened to leave. When I stayed instead, I told him that if he ever engaged in the old behaviors again, I was done. When I found more conversations, texts, or other evidence of relapse, he apologized, and I told him once more that I couldn't take it any more--any more and I was out. On the day after our wedding, when I found an online conversation, I wept and told him that if he had not meant anything from the day before that I would walk out. Yet over and over again, I have stuck around because over and over again I could still see the man I loved. Despite the recognition that I was not following through with my threats, despite doubts that if I didn't leave he would just continue his behaviors (knowing my threats were empty)...I stayed because I wanted desperately to believe that the part of D that was my husband could someday be the only part.
I firmly believe we are on our way to D becoming the best parts of himself. Despite our struggles, despite the fears that I struggle with daily, we are working toward that goal. And as long as we are, I can find strength to stay. It is wonderful to know that there are others who have made the journey, too.