Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I think my husband hates me

Well, no, not really.  Sorry to scare any potential readers with the doomsday headline.  Tonight has just turned into a frustrating night in the last ten minutes.  

D has not attended an SAA meeting since his first one, which was 2 1/2 weeks ago.  Combination of working late shifts and being exhausted gave him really very little time.  The only day he was free to go was the day of the court date last week, and he was so mentally spent that he didn't want to go then, just wanted to hang out, and I didn't push the issue.  He had told his PO, counseling group, and me that he was really excited by the first meeting, couldn't wait to go back, and once his work schedule cleared up again (that is, he got switched back to a normal schedule) he was planning on attending at least one or two a week, probably on Mondays and Wednesdays.  So this past Monday night, I asked if he was planning on going to a meeting.  He got off work at 6 (meetings start at 7:30), and said that he really just felt like coming home and hanging out with me for the evening, so that's what he did.  I didn't say anything, but later that night I mentioned that it wasn't a big deal as long as he made it to one later in the week.  He happily agreed that this was true.  So earlier today (and even last night) I asked if he was planning on going to a meeting tonight.  He said he would see how the schedule and timing worked out.  I told him that I would be happy to meet him after work for food or something before he had to go, since there wouldn't be much turn around time to get all the way home and all the way back there in an hour between when he was off and when the meeting started.  He seemed amicable but didn't commit.  Later in the afternoon, I texted him from school, telling him to just let me know one way or the other so I could plan when to leave school (and whether to just go home or to meet him).  He was busy, and so didn't reply.  

Finally at 6:30 he called to say he was coming home from work.  We spoke about our days, what I was working on (a frustrating project, which didn't really help my mood), etc.  And after a few minutes, I asked what the plan was for the night.  He said he wanted to come home and have dinner, so I asked if he was planning on going to the meeting or not so I could know when to start supper.  He got home, upset, changed his clothes, and stood by the door looking utterly dejected, saying that "well, I guess I'll go now because you want me to go,  or I'll be late."  When I told him that going for me wasn't a good reason to go, his only response was "but you want me to, don't you?"

B: "I won't lie and say that I don't want you to go.  I'll admit, I think it's a good thing, especially since the last time you went you were very excited and practically bouncing off the walls when you got home.  Also, because you've told other people (read: PO and group) that you'd be going back regularly and they thought it was important too."

D: "Fine.  I'll go."  *looks depressed*

B: "If you don't want to go, don't go.  Me wanting you to or them wanting you to can't be the reason you go, you have to want to do it for you or it's not necessarily worth it."

D: *stands by door* 

B: "What do you want to do?"

D: "I really just want to stay home and hang out with you tonight.  But you think I should go, don't you?"

B: *pauses* "What I think you should do doesn't matter."

And with that, he walked out the door, looking just as upset/mad/dejected/whatever as possible.  And now I sit here caught between the two sides of my brain.  Part of me, yes, desperately wants D to go to SAA because his commitment to his recovery signifies his commitment to me and to our future family, his commitment that he's not going to let himself go back to who he was in the worst parts of our relationship.  I want him to want to go, I want him to make it a regular thing, even if it's only once a week or once every two weeks or once a month, but to make it a commitment.  I feel like if he's not really going through with it like he said, then he's not really committed to recovery like I thought and he's just blowing sunshine up everyone's ass again, just like he's done in the past.  The other part of me knows that I'm right about the fact that if he's not doing it for himself first, he's probably not going to get much out of it.  And that part of me feels horrible right now, knowing that it's my nagging and pushing that have got him there right now, and not his own desire.  I am afraid that he will become resentful and angry and only fall back deeper into his addiction cycle if I do this.  I am also afraid that I may be ruining a good thing, because even having gone to SAA only once, D is still sober after a month and a half and doing really well as far as not acting out and being a fabulous husband, friend, and person.  I feel bad because I know he deals with this a lot, having so many other things to do with it throughout his week, and I am worried that putting one more thing on his plate that makes him consistently remember his problems will only be harmful instead of helpful, even with the best of intentions. 

Sometimes I question whether or not D is truly an addict, or if he was just so willful, prideful, and full of himself that he thought he could get away with murder.  Sometimes he seems so repentent--the way he talks about what went through his mind when he was acting out, like the thrill, the chase, the shame and anger afterward and how horrible he feels about it all--that it seems like the perfect "addiction" story.  Sometimes I think he had/has just a really bad case of chauvinism and narcissism.  I worry if he's really, truly, seen his problem for what it is, despite the fact that he does seem to be taking steps to correct it.  If he really recognizes it as addiction or if he only recognizes that he used to do bad things and now he's not going to anymore.  Some days it seems to swing one way, some days another.  Meanwhile, I am caught someone out here in no-man's-land wondering what the hell I'm supposed to be doing to help--supporting his choices as long as he is pursuing some kind of improvement/recovery (even if it's just on his own), or demanding that he demonstrate his commitment by going to meetings, or something else.    He's said himself he felt like he got more out of SAA than his group classes.  In his group classes, he's known the right answers to all the questions for a year now, he just didn't think he needed to really apply them fully to his life/actions.  So is that enough?  Now that he has a plan for relapse and seems to have been doing well for a month?  Now that we took his computer away, will there be need for all this?  Or is he (and am I) fooling ourselves if we think it can all go away that easily?  

I like how things have been lately.  Things have been really, really good the past few days in every respect.  I want them to stay that way.  I just hope this helps, and I haven't royally screwed it up. 

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