He was edgy this morning, and edgy always scares me because he always used to get edgy when he was hiding something from me. So I think part of it is that I'm afraid something has come up that he's not sharing. But at the same time, he explained why he was edgy--he's been working almost nothing but closing shifts recently and is frustrated about never being home and never seeing me and having to run around in the mornings to do anything he needs to do. Still, I worry. Like I said in my previous post, part of me just wishes that something would go wrong just so I would know that he would tell me about it. That's horrible to think.
I think the other reason I'm feeling so down these past couple of days is the fact that I went to the PO meeting on Thursday. The PO had suggested it on the previous visit because he had never met me, and I agreed to go with, and part of me is glad I did. But... always that but. It's one thing to discuss with D what is said in meetings and things he needs to work on and how he's accomplishing them and things he's having trouble with. It's another thing to have a very intimidating, older man (who was not how I pictured him at all, and rather...well, I don't know how to describe him other than kind of rough looking and not very kindly...and not to get on a tangent, but I know he's not there to be a friend, but it still just made me kind of uncomfortable) look at your husband and ask him if he was spending money on porn or just looking at freebies, reminding him of the fact that he's trying to keep society safe and that the things D was doing were gateways to really horrible offenses. It's one thing to hear about those things and it's another to actually hear them straight from the source...and it's even another thing to have the PO ask me if I knew about all of this before we were married, to comment that he's sure it's difficult to deal with this early in a marriage, to ask if we're still intimate sexually and make a pointed comment to D that you can have intimacy without sex. It's weird, but the thing that got me the most was when D asked for permission to cross state lines for work and for SAA, and I asked if he could also cross on occasion to do things with me like go shopping...and he just smiled and shook his head. That made it personal for me. It made it real.
It's so much easier to be one step removed from the process and to hear about it from D and then discuss only with him. For some reason, hearing this very intimidating person talk about how he has no reason to trust my husband (which, granted, he doesn't) and ask such personal questions of me made things so much more real. It's like for the first time (well, not the first...but getting it fresh again) I'm realizing that D wasn't just casually looking at porn, he was actively doing something very, very wrong. He broke the law. He's a criminal. And it doesn't just affect him, it affects my life too. And today, I just don't know how to deal with that. Part of me really wants to go with for the next meeting and court date in a couple weeks, but part of me never wants to go back to see the PO again, because it just makes things far too real. I can't just be the unknown wife of someone who screwed up, I have to be a face that (whatever he may say) is judged for sticking with a person who has done something bad. And it makes me angry. It makes me angry that for so long I thought we were done and past this, and now (even though it is, hopefully, finally getting us some progress) we're back at square one.
I don't want to be angry. I liked being able to talk about everything with D at night and have that be the extent of dealing with the problem, because the rest of the time I didn't have to be reminded that there was a problem. We could live our lives in relative normalcy. But now I'm haunted by the PO's face, the PO's words, the things he said and the way he said them every waking moment. I can't get it out of my head. Yesterday, I was sick to my stomach almost all day at the thought of the court date and jail and not being able to hire a private lawyer to help, but now I'm just haunted by the reality of it all. I can't get his face out of my head. I keep praying that God will just give me peace about the whole situation so we can kind of get back to where we were a few days ago, but I just can't stop thinking about the meeting. And thinking about the meeting makes me double think what's going on with D. I'm starting to get suspicious when I don't really have a reason to be. And that makes me angry not only at D for getting us in this mess, but at myself for not being able to accept that over which I have no control.
Here's a question: Is it possible to go from acting out one day to sober for a month with no relapses whatsoever? D says sometimes that he still gets urges, but I just imagined that they would be much more frequent and urgent than they seem to be right now. Maybe I'm just over thinking things. I really want to be less angry so that we can somehow begin rebuilding the trust that has been so destroyed by this addiction. Hopefully with time.