Wednesday, October 22, 2008


I've been struggling for a few days with the idea of co-addiction.  I've taken "quizzes" that are supposed to test whether or not you exhibit co-addict tendencies, and I feel like those attributes are not very much where I am.  I am not a classic co-dependent.  I consider myself to be a smart, independent, strong person.  But at the same time, I do exhibit some of those codie behaviors.  The worst one, I think, is that I desperately, unbelievably, painfully want to control D's recovery.  I want him to want to get better probably even more than he wants to get better--and I do believe he does.  He went to his first SAA meeting on Monday night.  This morning, when we "celebrated" his one month of sobriety, I asked if he was going to go to another meeting this week.  He said he didn't know, would see if he could schedule-wise.  When I pointed out that he gets off of work early enough on Friday to go to a meeting, he seemed to kind of brush it off, saying that he thought we already had plans for Friday (which we sort of do, but nothing is in stone and I would be fine with his going to SAA instead for an hour and a half).  Part of me (the part that I think might be the codependent) got a little upset about this, because I felt like he wasn't taking his recovery seriously.  I've been doing so much reading about recovery lately--started reading other blogs of SA's and codependents, checked other 12-step groups' websites, etc.--that I think I've got this crazy big picture about how it's all going to work.  What I have to keep reminding myself is that we're just not there yet.  The fact that D's been sober for a month is a HUGE milestone.  I can't exactly expect him to be picking a sponsor and working the steps and all when he's only been to one meeting.  All I can do is pray that God will make him want to go back.  When he cam home from Monday, that seemed to be the case.  It's just hard for me to sit back and let him control it, because I so want him to just want to go all the time.  

The other part of me that I think might be a codependent is the part of me that continues to want to check up on D.  The part of me that still believes that there's something he's hiding somewhere.  That he's only saying he's sober, that he's lying about not acting out.  There's still part of me that thinks it can't just be that easy, and so that part of me checks our cell phone bill once a day to see if there have been any questionable texts or calls.  Part of me that must be restrained from checking even his work e-mail, which has never revealed anything suspicious since it's firewalled.  These are the behaviors that I'd really like to stop.  I think it will continue to get easier once D is more firmly into SAA.  I (like him) would really love if he could stop going to his counseling classes (that are required for his probation) and be able to switch over to SAA instead, especially once he finds a sponsor and starts working the steps seriously.  I doubt the powers that be will let that happen, but he just doesn't seem to be doing much in classes any more since his counselor has stopped giving him official assignments, and I am hopeful that doing a first step presentation, making a list of the people he's hurt and how he can help them, making that moral inventory of his character defects, all the other things I read about people in SAA doing...I'm hoping (and really thinking) that will do more than anything he's ever done in classes, even when he was being honest in his assignments. 

God, give me peace.  Help me to realize that as much as I can encourage, I cannot control others.  Help D to want to go back to SAA and to gain encouragement and support and strength to continue in his sobriety.  Help us both to seek you as a source of help to take on each day.  

1 comment:

My name is Ken and I'm a sex addict. said...

Thanks for following my blog!

I have a feeling my wife would identify deeply with what you've written here. She tried COSA several times and couldn't identify with a lot of the codie behaviors.

Commenting back from your comment on my blog: I definitely think it's possible. Recovery seems to work totally differently for everyone I've met in SAA. Some members get sober immediately, some not for years. It took me about six months to finally get sober. But I didn't have any counseling classes or anything like that.

When my wife tried to push meetings at the beginning, it made it hard for me to want it for myself. Although I've taken my recovery very seriously since the beginning, there were some times when I just didn't want to or know how to talk about what I was experiencing. It's been a long road - learning to open up with my wife more and express my feelings. SAA meetings were especially overwhelming at the beginning and it was difficult to go to a lot of them just because they brought up so many emotions. Be patient and gentle, I'm sure that although your husband may seem rather stoic at times about his sobriety and recovery, he is probably trying to figure out a lot of things inside. At least, that was the case with me. It still is the case with me!

After 1 and 1/2 years, I'm on step six, but I know others that have worked the steps in less than a year. Some take a lifetime. Everyone is very different, so it might be a while before your husband is working on some of the things you're looking forward to!

I'm glad that your husband is in recovery and that you are able to recognize the things that you are struggling with as well. It sounds like you are both on the right path! I will be following your blog now that I know about it! Feel free to ask me questions anytime... I enjoy networking with others involved in recovery from sex addiction; I learn a little something from everyone.

I'm certain God will grant the serenity you are looking for as long as you continue to seek it!