Sunday, October 19, 2008

Looking Up

Things seem to be looking up a little.  I talked with D yesterday about how weird and scared I've been feeling since the meeting on Thursday, and we both agreed that things have been very on edge the past few days, mainly because of the fact that we are barely seeing each other right now--he's been working late shift for almost a week straight, and I've had exams this week and been studying constantly--and so we've just been a little off in general.  I think I've made the decision that while I am fine driving with him to PO meetings and classes, I don't think I'll go back in with him again (or at least, not for a long while).  It's just easier to process when it's one step removed.  Part of me feels like this is somewhat cowardly, but I can't live with the picture of the PO's face in my head all the time.  It's just not healthy.  I've been trying to think of what it is that is making it so strange for me, and I think what at least part of it comes down to is the fact that I feel like he was telling me that I can't do things.  It's not just D who can't go certain places, it's me.  And now I feel like I shouldn't be doing certain things, watching certain tv shows, crossing the state border to do my shopping, things like that.  I feel guilty for things that I am not even accountable for, because of the way the guy looked at us.  And so, I'm just not comfortable with that.  Hopefully this feeling will pass with time and not return if I don't go back in for a while. 

This morning was a really good morning.  D didn't have to work til one, and he came to church with me for the first time in a long while.  He's not really a church person, and I'll admit that the church I've been attending I certainly don't agree with all (or even any, on some days) of what is said in the sermon, but I feel much more comfortable disagreeing and just taking what speaks to me.  Also, the music is better, and the people are at least relatively genuine and caring (as opposed to the church I grew up at, where I'm pretty sure half the congregation is dead and no one's realized it yet).  He actually took it pretty well, considering it was not a very good sermon (in my opinion) today.  I think the fact that we talked about just knowing how it was and taking it for what it is, even if that's not really your thing all the time, helped.  I'm hopeful that he'll come back the next time he has the ability.  I pray for him constantly the whole time I'm there every week.  I don't expect him to be "saved" or anything (mainly because I don't really get along with the whole neo-conservative evangelical idea of "getting saved"), but I do hope that he'll find God on his own terms, and that doing so will help him to seek God as a means of healing.  I pray for his healing every day...I guess I just hope someday he will too.  

This morning was also a bright note for another reason:  it's probably tmi, but for the first time in over a week, we were actually comfortable enough to have some intimate time, and I didn't even have problems of thinking about what was going through his head or picturing something he's done in the past.  I asked him later if I was the only one he thought about, and he said yes.  The bigger thing, though...I asked how long it had been since he could say that...and he said about two weeks or so.  He said that he regretted it hadn't been longer, but for me, hearing that was like water for a dying man.  It let me know that he's not just going to blow sunshine up my ass about the fact that he's been perfectly clean for a month now, but it also let me know that there's been progress.  He's thought about other girls since he's stopped texting and chatting...but for two weeks, I've been the only fantasy.  And that's a huge step for us.  

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