Friday, April 17, 2009

Grateful Today

I read an e-mail from my online COSA group last night that outlined the topic of an upcoming meeting.  The discussion was going to be based on staying in the moment and appreciating the present for what it is, even if we are unsatisfied--to be at peace with the idea that at every moment, we are exactly where we need to be right then.  

I have for a long time had issues with this concept--I am, at my heart, a planner.  I plan things in my head eons in advance and have been known amongst certain circles as a "list goddess."  My life has been meticulously crafted in these lists and plans and ideas for as long as I can remember.  I would sit in high school making lists of all the colleges I was applying to and all the scholarships I needed to finish and what homework was due on what day.  In college, I made lists of volunteer work that I had done and research projects that I was pursuing in order to apply to graduate school.  When I planned my wedding, I had lists on lists on lists of everything--caterer's options, things to be done that week, guests, gifts, thank you notes written, appointments.  Even now, I have a plan for pretty much exactly what will happen to me as I journey through grad school, what steps need to be taken in which years in order to apply for positions at the end.  I plan for "what will I do on Saturday" with as much voracity as I worry about "what will happen to D and I in the future."  I didn't really think about it until yesterday, but I tend to live in the future.  A lot.  

Today, I am grateful for the opportunity to wake up a little and enjoy exactly where I am.  I have so much to be grateful for right here, right now, after all.  Today, I am in a good place.  I am working on myself and seeing progress.  I spoke up last night about my feelings without beating around the bush and D and I had a legitimate dialogue that left us both satisfied, so I am grateful for where I am, and where we are in our recovery as a couple.  D is sober and happy.  The sun has finally come out and warm weather looks like it is here to stay.  I am working away like the good little research assistant I am, and I am deeply, deeply satisfied with my work.  Every day that I pursue this career I am more sure of its rightness for me.  I feel with utmost conviction that that e-mail was right--with no worries about what tomorrow has in store, I am, right now, exactly where I need to be.  

1 comment:

Cat said...

What an excellent post for me to read today - tis uplifting and positive and hopeful- have a great weekend!