Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Looking for Reasons

I've been feeling suspicious the last couple of days.  It's not because of anything that's happened, necessarily, it's just there.  I've been trying to be introspective and figure out what feelings are behind this, but I'm having trouble, so of course I turn to writing to see if there's anything lurking in my brain that my subconscious is hiding from me but that my fingers might unwittingly be aware of.  

Part of it, I think, is that things have been going well lately.  Yes, you read that right, but remember I'm a crazy person--I think part of the discomfort I'm feeling is because I am not used to things going this well for this long without something being hidden beneath the surface, making it all a farce.  If things feel good, there must be something terribly wrong going on that I just haven't brought to light yet.  I don't know if this is true or not, but I think my brain almost doesn't know what to do without some form of upheaval or tension brewing.   The sad thing is that I don't think anything sinister is happening, but I am having to use everything in my power to prevent myself from completely backsliding.  I've been checking the e-mail more, recently.  It makes me uncomfortable because I know that I will always find something if I look hard enough, even if nothing is there at all.  The one good thing is that I've kept myself from checking the phone records, which are my biggest and baddest trigger.  

I pray every morning and every night for help to let go, but in between my brain and my codie self remind me that if I am keeping on top of things and making sure D's recovery goes well, then no one else will and it will fail and things will spiral out of control and back into madness.  Except it doesn't work that way--and the rational part of me remembers how poorly things go when I try to control everything.  And so I take to simply repeating my newfound mantras in my head, over and over, until the fears and suspicions and compulsions are drowned out or go away--there are no what ifs, I cannot control others, I am a strong and valid person.  Now if I could just convince myself it was all true, I'd be golden. 

No comments: